Were Marchin

possibilities.

man, getting behind in school is the worst. no one ever lets you live it down. not teachers, not friends, not grades, and definitely not parents. i'm starting to get that anxiety back. the kind that freaks out the overwhelming figures. its like reading a book with unfamiliar vocabulary words, you know, like the kind where you can only understand every fourth word. my test taking anxiety is coming back too. hiiivess. not good, but manageable.

should i be freaking out for the SAT? im not sure. its next week. i want to feel prepared, so im convincing myself that i am.

but really, thats not even the main issue. if i could just get away. be on my own already. parents are just weighing me down. so is the authority of the school. i am just so ready to be out of highschool and out of parents control. mother's nag. i cant wait. year and a half. thats it. its march. januaryfebuary, and 6 days of march. that leaves 25 days of march and april may and 10 days in june. WOW! aprilmay. thats only like 90 days! thats only like 3 months. i added it up, not counting spring break or weekends, theres only SIXTY FIVE days of school left. that is uhmazing. 65. im going to start counting down, let the rest of the miserable school population know too.

hmmmm.

Story Time With erica

so i'm pretty frustrated right now, heres why:

it started this afternoon, the art society was meeting today, we were going to draw the moral we've been working with on the wall in the weightlifting room. i went through a lot of preparation for this meeting- i got up at 2 am on sunday to send out the reminder message because i had forgotten to do it over the weekend, i begged my boss to come in an hour&a half later, and i reminded everyone in person about the club. when the final bell rang, as i walked out during dismissal, i briefly pondered the thought of just skipping the meeting and going into work. but i didnt. when we finally got everything ready to go trace the mural on the wall, we arrive to the room and find out it's occupado with the girl's softball team. thats what we get for having male coaches- they never remember anything. like how we were supposed to come and work on the mural today. so it was basically a complete waste of time. that made me frustrated.

CHAPTER TWO

so then i got to work right when i said i would be there. all was well and fine. only three of the kids were there today, so that was super nice. but it was three of the youngest ones, so that was frustrating. i fired up the old dinosaur computer that we have and i turned on the scooby doo game- the kids love it, but its difficult because we dont have any sound on the computer, like at all. so we really dont know whats going on. but were gettin the hang of it. its just annoying because there is a certain little boy who is going through that "why" stage. like he asks "why" to everything: why isnt there sound? where does it come from? why is scooby talking like that? why wont the sound work? why miss erica? why is that such an ugly color? why does he run like that? why is the computer slow? why cant we find this? why wont that work? why did that just happen? why why why! oh my lord, i was eventually like MYLES. PLEASE. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND JUST PLAY THE GAME. and then he said why cant i ask questions? and i said why can you answer your own questions, and he just didnt get it, so i slammed my head against a brick wall.

then this same boy started climbing all over everything. the chairs, on people, on cabniets. and i am like FOR PETES SAKE SIT IN YOUR CHAIR OR I WILL MAKE YOU STANDDD UP AGAINST A WALL. holy crap he was so annoying. his chair was right next to mine and he stood up and like jumped on my head, pulled my hair, and fell back into the chair laughing. i was so mad! the boy just cant sit still. and he ALWAYS climbs on people. it flippin drives me insane. he was also singing the abc's in this OBNOXIOUS high pitched voice. i wanted to throw that kid in a dumpster. UGH.

later on while we were playing the game, everyone was touching me. like the climbing kid was all over me, the young girl was pullin at me, and the other boy was standing in between me and the computer, and i felt completely claustrophobic. i wigged out so badly that i violently shook and stood up and hyperventilated for about four seconds. thank goodness the kids didnt even notice, but it is like that all the freakin time! UGH.

CHAPTER THREE.

so after work, i had to deliver a check for my mom on the other side of town, and actually deposit mine into the bank. but i thought that i should to it tomorrow in the day time. so it wasnt until i was almost near butler that i had an issue. there was this truck behind me, and i swear he had his brights on. i could not see at all, my mirrors were blinding me to death- and he was riding my bumper, it was ridiculous. so i tapped my breaks at him, like three times really fast, and then i went really slow so that he would have to go around me. when he did, he sped up and then cut me off! like i had done something to offend him. so that got me mad, so i turned on MY brights and gave him a taste of his own medicine. granted, that was NOT the christian attitude i should have had, but i am a nice driver, and this guy was being MEAN. i didnt tail gate him or anything, i kept a reasonable distance. but i noticed that traffic has slowed really badly. this guy was stopping a lot, or slowing down, as if traffic in front of him was too. i eventually turned off my brights, and later on he turned into a parking lot or something. once he turns away, i see that there is NO ONE for milesss in front of him- he was making me do 35 in a 55 for no reason. UGH serves me right.

CHAPTER FOUR.

on the way back, i took the high way. i had planned on going to booksamillion- because this was a homework free night and i had the time- as i was coming up on my exit to go home, my neck and shoulder started hurting real bad. and i thought "oh maybe i should just go home" but i didnt want to be lazy, i wanted to be productive for the night, so i kept driving past and drove to concord mills. traffic wasnt bad, but that highway is so old, every time i drive on it, i feel like my doors are gonna fall off from the vibrations of the bumps. thats always a strain to get there. but i got there, and that was fine. i got a good parking space and everything.

CHAPTER FIVE

so i walk into booksamillion, and i seriously spend about an hour in there. i look at all the bargain books first, pick out a few...then get what i came there for... then browse the christian sections, then the teen fiction(all crap by the way) then i look at like all the post secret books, and then i look at all the kids stuff, and the games, and the fun erasers and book marks.... and then more books, and i have five books in hand, and i go to the check out. ive spent over an hour in there and i wasnt sure how much i had in my hand- they were decent priced books- 3 bargain books all less than 3 dollars. good books too. so i go to check out and...my card doesnt work. the guy scans it himself, all i needed was 16 dollars! and it was denied. and i'm like, thats weird. so through texting bank of america (super handy btw) i learn that i had accidentally put a good chunk of my money into savings, and i hadnt played in all the checks that i had had paid for things (bills, tithe) so basically- in terms of my checkings account- i was BROKEE.

I JUST WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS FOR NOTHING: totally ran through my mind 384095 times. fifty miles. stress. all wasted. a perfectly good homework free night, wasted.

CHAPTER SIX.

and so i drove back home, deposited my paycheck, and now everything is fine, except for me.

i cant help but sit here and wonder why God put me through all of this. a test of patience? when each of these things happened, i specifically remember quickly checking in with God and seeing what i should do. all the spontaneous thoughts to do things..i thought that might have been the devil trying to change my route, because i had planned all of this out in advance. both voices of reason sounded so strong, but my original ended up failing. was that human nature? and i should have listened to the changed second call? it just really makes me question everything that happened today.

EPILOGUE.

cyc is tomorrow. during second period today as i was contemplating what we should do in cyc tomorrow, i thought that i should learn how to play an easy song on the guitar so that i could play tomorrow morning. i guess thats what i should of done. maybe thats what God wanted me to do after all, learn a song that i could play for his glory. that sounds better. maybe? the whole reason i went to booksamillion was to get a book for school, and possibly a religious journal or book. but i guess none of that compared to the possibility of publicly glorifying God.

what can i say to all of this? i didnt know what to expect going into any of it, but now that it all happened, i suppose i should learn from it.

and after writing this all out, i do feel so much better. man, EYE had planned on doing some pretty bad things if writing about this didn't help. but i can feel the rage leaking from my chest.

Communicating Alternatively. Releasing Endorphins. Self Soothe.

caress

THE END.

Break Through

emphasis on the break. because sometimes, thats what life needs the most in order to heal. it starts with a crack and it ends with a smack, to be honest because it hurts. you can sit there and complain about the different cracks that something has, and whine that it is close to breaking, and just watch it develop more and more cracks, but until it actually breaks, whether in two or into a million pieces, nothing will get better- until it gets worse. pain doesnt like to be haphazard, it strikes hard. thats why it hurts.

but you can't have the healing without the pain. and thats what matters. being able to take that divine helping hand up, and being placed back on your feet and realizing where you stand. it takes all this literal recognition. you'll probably even notice that you stand a little taller after you do too, because thats what the healing produces: growth.

and after all, were just teenagers, were not done growing yet.

man i really cant live like this anymore.

ever heard the expression "either the I or the dog has to go"? that's kind of how i feel. only the dog isnt really a dog. and i'm not really myself.

something in my life needs to change. i could name the few obvious that everyone already has to work on too, but i feel like its more of that. something out of my control. like my environment. my friends. my school. my language. mainly la segunda, porque no estan buenos ahora. pero estaran mejor. si?

si no, luego estare romper mi corazon y cambiare todos.

one day, i will say all of this to your face.