Break Through

emphasis on the break. because sometimes, thats what life needs the most in order to heal. it starts with a crack and it ends with a smack, to be honest because it hurts. you can sit there and complain about the different cracks that something has, and whine that it is close to breaking, and just watch it develop more and more cracks, but until it actually breaks, whether in two or into a million pieces, nothing will get better- until it gets worse. pain doesnt like to be haphazard, it strikes hard. thats why it hurts.

but you can't have the healing without the pain. and thats what matters. being able to take that divine helping hand up, and being placed back on your feet and realizing where you stand. it takes all this literal recognition. you'll probably even notice that you stand a little taller after you do too, because thats what the healing produces: growth.

and after all, were just teenagers, were not done growing yet.

man i really cant live like this anymore.

ever heard the expression "either the I or the dog has to go"? that's kind of how i feel. only the dog isnt really a dog. and i'm not really myself.

something in my life needs to change. i could name the few obvious that everyone already has to work on too, but i feel like its more of that. something out of my control. like my environment. my friends. my school. my language. mainly la segunda, porque no estan buenos ahora. pero estaran mejor. si?

si no, luego estare romper mi corazon y cambiare todos.

one day, i will say all of this to your face.

originally, this was mine.

do i think that i'll be saved by something that i make?

like a painting swims to rescue me before i'm swallowed by the wave

i'm on thin ice as it is

i don't care who i came with

i gotta go back home and clean my room before i lose myself in this.

if you don't care, then i don't care.

what's the point in talking if no one's there.

well i am on a silly mission to heat the cold and dry the wet.

i hallucinate connections between me and my best friends.

i was holy once upon a time but that was yesterday

i am the ghost of the tribe.

if you don't care, then why should i care?

i talk to myself.

yo nunca muerto.

pero lo yo siempre pierdo.

eso es la vida.

RUINED.

today, i saw a man preaching on the sidewalk
i rolled down my window to hear
"...injecting needles into my arm every day. but now God has saved me! brothers and sisters.."
i smiled, and i yelled
"keep it up, my brother!"
he waved.
the light turned green
i accelerated
and smashed into the jeep in front of me.

enola

i feel like everyone else has such a cooler life than i do.

it snowed today. something i didnt want just because it would change everything this coming week, and most likely not giving me the freetime that i would have liked.

but i just feel like i'm missing out on life. that it's my fault.

i have to deactivate my facebook soon, or i'm going to go insane from envy. i cant even look at people's pictures from their epic adventures i just can't seem to have.

i take a walk. i take some pictures. but they don't look anything like their pictures.

what am i doing wrong?

all this awesome stuff is happening to people, and all i've got is my stupid self. i feel like everyone is written into this song about how they spend endless nights chasing after towns, having fun, singing songs, laughing, doing the weirdest stuff, and i'm just the punk who downloaded it from the internet. but i cant even do that because i don't have the right stuff.

i just feel like i'm missing something big. like the ability to be naturally fun and creative. like artists. i just don't get them. you give them a pen and paper, and they just start drawing. theres no questions, no thinking. they just do. but me, i like struggle my way through doodling. i say its not pressured, but it completely is. i wouldnt be comparing myself if i wasnt content with what i am doing.

i sometimes wonder if my own sin has done this to me. or if i just naturally distance myself from others.

snow days aren't meant to be spent alone.

To God be the Glory.

My Father never ceases to amaze and astound me. His mercies are more than I can handle.

i went through an ELEVEN day dry spell of not reading my Bible. THAT IS POSSIBLY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. sin found it's way back into my life, and i was completely and utterly disrespecting God. The Lord bent me every day, but instead i listened to the devil's lies. it wasnt until i begged the Lord to break me that i found His light. six am this morning and here i am, weak and feeble, not even able to pray for myself. I thank God for his spirit.

guys, God is the best thing ever. I love christianity. without Jesus, i am a hopeless sinner.