yo nunca muerto.

pero lo yo siempre pierdo.

eso es la vida.

RUINED.

today, i saw a man preaching on the sidewalk
i rolled down my window to hear
"...injecting needles into my arm every day. but now God has saved me! brothers and sisters.."
i smiled, and i yelled
"keep it up, my brother!"
he waved.
the light turned green
i accelerated
and smashed into the jeep in front of me.

enola

i feel like everyone else has such a cooler life than i do.

it snowed today. something i didnt want just because it would change everything this coming week, and most likely not giving me the freetime that i would have liked.

but i just feel like i'm missing out on life. that it's my fault.

i have to deactivate my facebook soon, or i'm going to go insane from envy. i cant even look at people's pictures from their epic adventures i just can't seem to have.

i take a walk. i take some pictures. but they don't look anything like their pictures.

what am i doing wrong?

all this awesome stuff is happening to people, and all i've got is my stupid self. i feel like everyone is written into this song about how they spend endless nights chasing after towns, having fun, singing songs, laughing, doing the weirdest stuff, and i'm just the punk who downloaded it from the internet. but i cant even do that because i don't have the right stuff.

i just feel like i'm missing something big. like the ability to be naturally fun and creative. like artists. i just don't get them. you give them a pen and paper, and they just start drawing. theres no questions, no thinking. they just do. but me, i like struggle my way through doodling. i say its not pressured, but it completely is. i wouldnt be comparing myself if i wasnt content with what i am doing.

i sometimes wonder if my own sin has done this to me. or if i just naturally distance myself from others.

snow days aren't meant to be spent alone.

To God be the Glory.

My Father never ceases to amaze and astound me. His mercies are more than I can handle.

i went through an ELEVEN day dry spell of not reading my Bible. THAT IS POSSIBLY THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. sin found it's way back into my life, and i was completely and utterly disrespecting God. The Lord bent me every day, but instead i listened to the devil's lies. it wasnt until i begged the Lord to break me that i found His light. six am this morning and here i am, weak and feeble, not even able to pray for myself. I thank God for his spirit.

guys, God is the best thing ever. I love christianity. without Jesus, i am a hopeless sinner.

i can't.

school is absolutely the worst thing that can ever exist. i hate it so much. i honestly do not understand how people attend it every day, let alone feel okay about it. there is so much work to be done, but i cant even STAY AWAKE long enough to do anything. I AM JUST SO TIRED. i cant continue like this. i am freakin fading away too quickly. i dont want to blame everything on my new job, just on my new lack of time. THAT is killing me. i dont have any time to do anything, or strength. but i cant abandon this job. i have it too good. i need this, the money, the relationships, the connections. theres no way i can leave. but school is just freakin kicking my butt. i want to drop out of highschool so badly. and im not sure leaving rocky river would even cure my hatred for school. no, anywhere would be hard. i am just so frustrated. no one freakin gets it. no one else i know has the same stress load that i have, but i feel like everyone is condemning me for it.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO IN TWO HOURS. yet here i am. avoiding anything, looking for a distraction.
i think my junior paper is this week. but my paper is not in my possession. I GOT A SEVENTY THREE ON MY PAPER. do you know how much that pisses me off? I PUT MORE THAN SEVENTY THREE PERCENT OF MYSELF INTO THAT PAPER- i didn't freakin slay myself for two solid weeks on that, i took at least FOUR all nighters working on that freakin thing. just like tonight.
i tried to get some sleep when i got home, but my dreams are freaking killing me. and now i have to read that stupid "their eyes were watching God" book, thats so hard to understand, and i have to write a million things about it, and i havent even finished reading. i am just so overloaded. i have so much work to give to my english teacher, i just want to curl up and DIE. i hate life so much right now. i cant stop crying long enough to get any work done. i have spanish project due wednesday, and im not even sure how to do it because the directions are in spanish, and i also have a spanish lab due today, but i didnt do anything for it.
my calender says my junior paper is due wednesday, like for good. but i have no idea when i'm going to get it back from tim, so..that looks like its not happening.
I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF FAILING AT EVERYTHING I DO.
my grades are absolutely dreadful. never before have i had so many Ds and Cs. i want to just quit everything and sleep forever. im so sick of being overwhelmed and tired. I JUST NEED SLEEP. like ten really good, solid hours of sleep. BUT THERES NO WAY I CAN GET THEM. not during the week, no. i'm lucky if i get ten TOTAL hours of sleep a week. and i cant on the weekends, not recently. everything has been devoted to stupid holidays. I HATE HOLIDAYS. i really do. stupid decorating. and i cannot stand this cold weather. the moment i get outside, i want to die, the cold air freakin piercing me deep in the bones, i cant even move its so cold to me.

i have so much crap to do. school has just become this big pile of crap where i dont understand anything. and this is not an overstatement. i dont understand ANYTHING in chemistry. its a whole freakin different language that i am most likely going to fail. i just want to skip school today. i really do. i just need a day to get over all this work. because i have to leave the house in three hours and im just not going to make it. i'm half attempted to just do it, and walk into the school counselor's office and just say HELP. because this is just too much for me to handle. i need someone to just keep me accountable. someone solid and sturdy. i shouldnt be up at 3 am trying to finish homework. I HATE MY SITUATION RIGHT NOW.
i shouldnt be getting such bad grades. i shouldnt be this stressed. i shouldnt want to destroy myself over this. i shouldnt want to stay home every day. i shouldnt hide out in my car every day and cry before and after school. i shouldnt feel this miserable. i shouldnt be having such a hard home life. i shouldnt be talking like this, or thinking these thoughts. i shouldnt be doing this.
but i am.