the storm of the calm.

its thundering. raining hard, i imagine too.

im surprised at my attitude towards this one,

after a long night, this storm feels good.

the clouds are releasing built up pressure

the sky is letting it out.

i'm so in love with this storm.

the thunder rattles the plates on the wall

and sends a relaxing shiver down my back.

the rain cools the groud after such a hot night.

this storm is reviving more than just the earth.

No Body.

hair. sometimes, you can look really nice. your curls are hidden beneath length, but we'll take care of that soon. you don't always like what i put on you, but you listen to me. and i thank you.

ears. you hear more than i want you to. i try very hard not to damage you in any way, because i rely on you constantly. you help me catch burglars in my house.

eyes. you have seen far too much. you feed the brain everything. though youre naturally weak, i still dont like forcing glass in front of you. thank you for having just enough cones and rods to decipher all the right colors.

nose.you dont get aggravated easily. pollen doesnt do anything to you. thanks little bud, for being just the right shape.

lips. you let too much slide between of the both of you. is it because you were severely hurt at such a young age? sorry i dont give you enough chapstick.

shoulders. youre so sturdy. youre good at having others lean on you. keep it up.

boobs. sometimes, i wish you were a tad bigger. but take youre time. i think youre holding back.

stomach. because you have caused me stress. you just get in the way. i've abused you too much. im ready to help you now. please be cooperative.

arms. because you cannot carry the world. i wish you were stronger. im so careless with you. forgive all the ink i've pressed into you.

wrists. i wish you were covered in more bracelets. i pop you so much that it hurts sometimes. but you get too clouded for me to handle. please dont get arthritis.

hands. because you have helped to destroy my soul. you have created many things. some are worth pride, others shame. you aren't very pretty to look at, you have a lot of meaning behind you. youre quite destructive most of the time.

fingers. because you act on sin. though you are chubby, you can type fast. and you don't mind the hard metal strings of my guitar, so thats okay too. i wish you got along better with rings though. and im sorry for cracking you too.

legs. because you've changed so much. youre so reliable. but also, troublesome. i dont like the places you've carried me, though you've carried me far.

knees. i fall on you, but not in the right way. youre so scarred, but rough. i wish more things brought me to you.

calves. because no one thinks twice. you are so strong. but youre masked in too much. i want to show you off again. i know the power is there, but we need to build you up again. youre cramps kill me, by the way.

ankles. thanks for never being seriously hurt.

feet. because i do not like where you have brought me. i loved showing you off though. you seem to like grass, and you dont mind the outdoors. converses make you happy. i just wish i hadnt killed you too. im so sorry.

toes. youre quite the little stumps. but you dont get in the way. i just wish you werent so little.

mind. i do not like you. youre easily deceived and perceive everything wrong. you create too many emotions, and make me do stupid things. you open the door to the devil, to sin. i wish you were purer.

heart. because i wish you were friends with mind, so you could agree more. i know jesus lives in you somewhere, he's probably just hiding behind all the unhealthy crap that runs through you. i'm sorry you've been hurt and lied to. hold fast to my light please.

im only trying to be fair!

i figured i only blog when im unhappy. so this is me being pretty content. i told you, bipolar.

last week, mr puckett, my psych teacher, told us to think of three positive things that happened every day. "positive thinking" is apparently a new form of therapy, i cant really explain it, but it does wonders to a brain, go figure. but i realized, anyone can think of positive thoughts. that whole week had like a reverse effect on me. i may have written positive, typically happy things down, but i didnt feel the emotion that should have followed through. you could say i was a bit apathetic last week. i dont even remember what happened last week.

so anyways, this is me, not thinking positively, but rather, viewing positively.

i was going to sit here and list a couple things that could be viewed both positively and negatively, and say my content perspective with them, but i think this sentence is enough. its kind of like those "make a note of" thoughts, the kind you dont really say out loud, but you just think about heavily, storing it close to the front of the mental filing cabinet.

i dont really like that analogy though-you can only see the labels of the memories you've stored, not the actual memories. like im sure if i said order of operations, you'd find that "tab" in your brain and think "please excuse my dear aunt sally." but you dont really think on it hard. so i'd say our memory storing capabilities is more like a giant box. you open the box and its filled with crap. you can see through so several different layers, cause its not all crammed down, its like piled up, if this makes sense. OKAY NO I GOT IT. your memory is like your messy room- you know where everything is, but still a long reach into a pile of crap to find it. some of the stuff is not pleasing to look at, like the occasional glass of liquid someone has left in your room. but some stuff is so quick and helpful, like those water bottles conveniently dropped beside your bed on the floor, so that in the middle of the night you can just reach down and take a long swig.

i sort of lost my point through all this analogy talk. but the point is, im not crying my eyes out or hating the world right now. im a little tweeked at myself for procrastinating, but thats what Coke is for. (the drank, not the drug). i mean really, all i can say is that prom is this weekend. yikes?

Dig Your Grave.

i just need to vent. sorry, gotta be selfish.

one day. i am going to take all of my mother's pretty little plates and smash them to pieces. just like she did to me. as i was lying there on the floor, with both her and my brother yelling me to get up, all i could think was how much i hate her. i dont think i have a single greater passion than that of hate.

on the other hand, i also have an extreme amount of jealousy for so many people. i feel so ordinary, so PLAIN. i take envious looks at other's photos of their awesome lives and i just feel this huge amount of jealousy towards them. not just a "pang" but a whole freaking-stab-in-the-side or jealousy. i know, the bible says that we arent to covet or feel like this, cause we have God. well, maybe its not enough. i wish i could cram the world into this jesus sized hole, but i cant even do that. i am especially envious of those who follow God and still seem to have everything. there are those who make life look so easy. like they have emotions, but they are all happy. positive. and here i am, sulking in my hatred of my mother, and i cant even get myself together. i wish i could just skip life and go to heaven. i think my motives are so wrong though. in everything. i would take a bullet for ANYONE, but i think thats just cause theres a chance of dying from it. NO IM NOT SUICIDAL, i just dont want to feel this envious anymore. i dont want to feel this hate. "i just need a fresh beginning (too), all of my regrets are nothing new."

i dont have any incredible stories. i havent done anything worth mentioning. im just barely surviving highschool. without a job. without good grades. without a life. and what feels like, without a God.

i know my situations arent really this bad, that im just perceiving it all to be this way, that "if i only changed my attitude, everything would be alright!" NO. unless someone wants to rip open my head and give me a new brain, that is not happening. NO YOU KNOW WHAT, DO AHEAD AND DO IT. im freakin tired of my mind. let me see how someone else thinks. how they are able to keep a straight face and a strong mind. because i just cant do it. IM A TREE, SWAYING IN THE WIND OF THIS WORLD. branches broken by sin. cut me down, burn me for wood. cause im no timber.