one day. i am going to take all of my mother's pretty little plates and smash them to pieces. just like she did to me. as i was lying there on the floor, with both her and my brother yelling me to get up, all i could think was how much i hate her. i dont think i have a single greater passion than that of hate.
on the other hand, i also have an extreme amount of jealousy for so many people. i feel so ordinary, so PLAIN. i take envious looks at other's photos of their awesome lives and i just feel this huge amount of jealousy towards them. not just a "pang" but a whole freaking-stab-in-the-side or jealousy. i know, the bible says that we arent to covet or feel like this, cause we have God. well, maybe its not enough. i wish i could cram the world into this jesus sized hole, but i cant even do that. i am especially envious of those who follow God and still seem to have everything. there are those who make life look so easy. like they have emotions, but they are all happy. positive. and here i am, sulking in my hatred of my mother, and i cant even get myself together. i wish i could just skip life and go to heaven. i think my motives are so wrong though. in everything. i would take a bullet for ANYONE, but i think thats just cause theres a chance of dying from it. NO IM NOT SUICIDAL, i just dont want to feel this envious anymore. i dont want to feel this hate. "i just need a fresh beginning (too), all of my regrets are nothing new."
i dont have any incredible stories. i havent done anything worth mentioning. im just barely surviving highschool. without a job. without good grades. without a life. and what feels like, without a God.
i know my situations arent really this bad, that im just perceiving it all to be this way, that "if i only changed my attitude, everything would be alright!" NO. unless someone wants to rip open my head and give me a new brain, that is not happening. NO YOU KNOW WHAT, DO AHEAD AND DO IT. im freakin tired of my mind. let me see how someone else thinks. how they are able to keep a straight face and a strong mind. because i just cant do it. IM A TREE, SWAYING IN THE WIND OF THIS WORLD. branches broken by sin. cut me down, burn me for wood. cause im no timber.
be yourself, and runaway from the un happiness to find what you love doing. it only gets better, i swear to GOD. it only gets better.
ReplyDeleteyou get a car, you get out of the house. you find everything. and you realize everything. people are all different, yet all the same.
think what you want to think. do not let the 'youth' make you think you are going to hell for not fallowing the path every step. everyone hops off to figure things out. but then you realize. and some of them havent ever realized they are blind. dont be blind. just live life. itsss not easyy that just a mask that everyone and any one will put on
abiiiidavis. i love you erica.