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i'm getting pretty bummed lately. i still have a passion to be with christ, but its my emotions that are getting to me now. and my mother. and i dont mean that as bitterly as that sounds. i just mean that discouragingly. she is constantly wailing on me for things that i lack around the house. because she is in her office all day, she's left me in charge for cleaning and the such. and driving now. i'm like her lacky. and its like no matter what i say to her, she wont leave me alone. i can scream at the top of my lungs that i dont like her and she still talks to me. what gives? doesnt she know that as soon as i go to college i wont be talking to her at all? she is just so discouraging. people tell me to just comply to her demands, to just do it without complaining, but they dont see what's going on. after i leave for college, she wont take care of the house. who will cut the grass? who will unload the dishwasher? vacuum the stairs, the floors, change lightbulbs, dust cobwebs, change vent filters, feed the cats? NO ONE! because she doesnt do it now. she says the house will be clean always after i'm gone, but if i live upstairs now, and its still dirty..i just dont get it.

and driving. i get my license in about a week. she doesnt understand that once she is out of the car, i will be so much better off. there wont be as much stress or pressure. i know what i'm doing when i drive, but she treats me like i dont, and then reprimands me for doing things on my own. i dont understand. its so frustrating to be around her. i just hate being here. living with her. everything is my fault around here and all she does is bicker at me. she stares at me when she thinks i dont notice. what does she see? WHAT DOES SHE SEE? WHAT IS SHE LOOKING FOR? its completely nerve wrecking.

the worst part is, no one can understand this. the rest of them just get mad at me for not honoring God in this relationship, but i just cant. and i keep hearing of these stories that nothing gets fixed until you fix your relationships.. i just hope thats not the case with me.

Little Bitty Pretty One by Shaggy erupts in the background. He smiles joyfully at the irony of the pandemonium. The girl screams, taken defenseless. He cradles her gently, her sheltered cries shaking. The woman glares in envy, her rage vibrating trough the knife she is holding. The young girl resists, terror rising in her disposition. They dance, a knife held in his mouth. It is both highly disturbing and humorous at the same time. The woman's knife glides across the wall, her facade evident; her face broken with a grimace. The other's cower in a corner, an unspoke alliance is formed.

His swift feet bring the dance to an end, and the girl on the floor. Her eyes are begging with protest. She is bound, his laughter sounds. The moment is almost sexual as he wraps her limbs together, but it is broken by the woman, chanting distressful sounds. The moment twists in unexpected glory, and the girl is genuinely scared. Slight tears form in the corners of her eyes as she is denied verbal sound. He shows mercy and the girl is momentarily set free.

The woman repeats death threats; her singsong voice perverted into words of haste. She lingers between jealousy and pure ecstasy. The passion is unknowingly strong and her movements are bitterly sarcastic.

The complete scene is altogether hard to witness. It defines the moment of pure horror. The faces of Love broken by distress and calamity. It is most sickening to remember that this is all a joke. A game of mind and rash emotion, propelled to seem enjoyable to only those who manipulate said emotions.

The most painful thing of all, however, is the rupture of beauty portrayed during the whole thing. Beautiful people, beautiful souls, outwardly disturbed. Contorted seems fitting. Twisted. Once impeccable now evil, heart shattering.

I cannot bear to witness such a seemingly meaningless event.

you know what for me the most heart breaking thing in the world is?

knowing i will always be second to any best friend that i encounter.

to christian friends, i will be third, counting God into the equation.

God will always be first.

but in an average person, their lover comes first.

then the friend. the sidekick. the second thought.

YES i realize that this is a selfish dream. however,

the most serious i have ever been, i just want to be loved.

and that is why friendship hurts.

restless kitty, restless kitty

sleep well, restless kitty.

you squirm and you fight

itching and scratching and licking and moving.

just rest, sleepless kitty!

i love getting hair cuts. for the record, ive only had like 5 in my whole life time. no short exaggeration, i just throughly enjoy long hair. but i always feel like i change when i get them. its a good thing for sure this time!

i know im wrong in a lot of areas in my life. right now, they feel so weird and awkward to accomplish. 16 years of habitual pattern is something short of impossible to break. but nonetheless accomplishable through God. which is why im doing it in the first place.

this could have double meaning to anyone who knew my heart. but alas, that is only two persons, and thankfully, the other is the best secret keeper in the whole universe.

He hides himself from everyone, yet knows all.

He's my Abba, and i'm crying to him for help.

restless soul, restless soul

sleep well, restless soul.

you wiggle and you resist

running and fleeing and racing and waiting.

just sleep restless soul!

your Abba will bring you Home.