asdfjadfhsaks

i'm getting pretty bummed lately. i still have a passion to be with christ, but its my emotions that are getting to me now. and my mother. and i dont mean that as bitterly as that sounds. i just mean that discouragingly. she is constantly wailing on me for things that i lack around the house. because she is in her office all day, she's left me in charge for cleaning and the such. and driving now. i'm like her lacky. and its like no matter what i say to her, she wont leave me alone. i can scream at the top of my lungs that i dont like her and she still talks to me. what gives? doesnt she know that as soon as i go to college i wont be talking to her at all? she is just so discouraging. people tell me to just comply to her demands, to just do it without complaining, but they dont see what's going on. after i leave for college, she wont take care of the house. who will cut the grass? who will unload the dishwasher? vacuum the stairs, the floors, change lightbulbs, dust cobwebs, change vent filters, feed the cats? NO ONE! because she doesnt do it now. she says the house will be clean always after i'm gone, but if i live upstairs now, and its still dirty..i just dont get it.

and driving. i get my license in about a week. she doesnt understand that once she is out of the car, i will be so much better off. there wont be as much stress or pressure. i know what i'm doing when i drive, but she treats me like i dont, and then reprimands me for doing things on my own. i dont understand. its so frustrating to be around her. i just hate being here. living with her. everything is my fault around here and all she does is bicker at me. she stares at me when she thinks i dont notice. what does she see? WHAT DOES SHE SEE? WHAT IS SHE LOOKING FOR? its completely nerve wrecking.

the worst part is, no one can understand this. the rest of them just get mad at me for not honoring God in this relationship, but i just cant. and i keep hearing of these stories that nothing gets fixed until you fix your relationships.. i just hope thats not the case with me.