Goodnight is not so Good.

drawing with words, writing with pictures. none of it can capture what im feeling right now.

el grande dolor pero, no puedo llorar.

oh Lord, intercede with the groans that i cannot express, for i do not know what i ought to pray for.


off a poetic note, i should announce that i lost all relations with school. ive officially checked out of butler by terminating the last of my school friendships. they never would have lasted anyways. but im officially not going to prom, fourty bucks down the drain. managing relationships with people who are not christians is a tough task. i do not understand how Jesus did it. they will never understand me, or my relationship with God (though they call it a foolish religion). they doubt my faith. they doubt me. they mock me every day. according to them, and I QUOTE i "don't know shit about the work. [i] dont see past [my]self." if i had my bible with me, i would look up where it says "their words lash out against me all day long, i suffer from their tenses." its somewhere, worded basically like that. but the address is unknown to me.
the point is that im done with these phoney relationships. i hate being dropped by my friends, or rather, those who surround my life.
i know God has made me hyperaware of my friendships for a reason, but i do not yet know why. i value them so much, im so afraid to be left alone in the awful world. i have nothing productive left to say on this matter, however venting is oh so necessary right now.

one of these days

im going to buck up enough nerve to seriously cuss my mom out and leave.
maybe ill punch her in the kidneys. cause man, she really pisses me off. perhaps i should just rip out her ears too. its not like she uses them or anything. not for anything important at least. just to listen to people...THROUGH THE PHONE. maybe we should fight via phone conversation instead. she isnt very good at focusing at the stuff in front of her. i wonder if i lit myself on fire if she would notice. perhaps she would only smell the burning and wonder "oh, i probably just left something on the oven too long, AS ALWAYS." oh, but thats right, she doesnt admit to fault. she just turns the blame on someone else. "NO! I DIDNT DO IT! IT WAS HER! LOOK WHAT SHE DOES!"
OH and then she pulls the "you have verses on your walls but you dont act on them" card. oh lordy. if she would have known what was screaming behind my skull. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT I PUT UP WITH EVERY DAY! shes like "you could just learn to live with it." are you serious. LOOK LADY, JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE UP ON ME DOES NOT MEAN IM GOING TO STOP FIGHTING AGAINST YOU. i really cant stand her. her ignorance, her selfishness. her STUPIDITY. her ego. im tired of putting up with her little "house make overs." SHES RUINING OUR HOME!! nothing from my childhood is left. shes replaced it with new, better things. as always.
i just cant freakin wait to move out. i might do it sooner than im allowed to.

uhm, HELLO AMERICA, WAKE UP!

can i just bring this to someone's attention? just anyones? since the media clearly doesnt want people to know this. geeze, leave it to the people to do the governments job.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIAzGKykKU8

just click on it. thats all the proof we need.

UGH.

failure knows my name.

i hate my sin. my sinful nature. i hate it. i struggle with it every day, but it attacks me at night. always. im such a night owl. i never accomplish anything worthwhile until night. but thats also when im most vulnerable. i feel so raw- my sin constantly rubs an abrasive scathe against my heart, against my spirit. my sins only cause me to sin more, or make me want to sin more. i hate living in the moment-such instant gratification. i hate it. hate hate hate. thats a sin too? to hate?
i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. for what i do is not the good i want to do, no the evil i do not what to do-this is what keep on doing. James says to confess your sins to one another, but my friends would never accept it. they hardly do now. we arent very accepting of sin unless we participate in it too.
i dont know the difference between guilt and true repentance. i feel like i should repent, but i repent of this every time i do it, and yet, theres hardly a struggle to fight it. but then, after its done, it feel sorrowful. disgusted. it makes me hate myself. but it also makes me want to take some sort of action against myself, punishment. i deserve it. but its just more sin. at that point i just give in and cry about it. then i feel repentance. but i dont know how long that lasts. i want this sin gone. i want to conquer it. i want all my sins gone! i hate living like this. i feel disgusting. i feel sickening, repulsive. i dont deserve the love of Jesus.