oh, the titles.

i need to get a lot out. i need to be expressive. im stressed out, yet dont have a reason to be. though today i learned how shallow my whole entire family is. thats the problem with seeing them so much, i get to know them too well.
basically, im agrivated with them,.
basically, im the only one who sees the problems.
basically, im too much of an underdog to do anything about it.
my uncle still looks at me like im a little kid. just because i dont know any 1980's trivial pursuit doesnt mean im unintelligent. though my grades may say otherwise, there are things that cannot be learned from textbooks.

im going to do it. i just have that kind of mindset. its sort of an oxymoronic type of discipline, though.

I AM SO NEGATIVE. gah, can you tell im pmsing? i certainly can. these mood swings are dangerous! and i FREAKIN RAN OUT OF TAMPONS. UGH. and of course every freakin store is closed on christmas! so its not like i could have gone there and fixed my problem. ugh.
okayyeah. im depressed. it irritates the living crap out of me. i freakin hate my constant depressive state, my negative stand point. but given my positions in life, i dont know how else to view things.
i know i wasnt given this observant over analytical mind for nothing. but what am i supposed to do with it? its like a gifted curse, you know? maybe. IM EGOTISTICAL. what can i say? i find my faults in other people and then learn to despise them. so yeha, i hate myself. what to it? i think that if i ran into an exact replica of me somewhere else in the world, exact personality and everything, i wouldnt like it. like even if i tried to be friends with myself, i wouldnt enjoy it. this isnt the first time ive thought that either. when i was younger, and didnt have that many friends, i used to think what it was like to be friends with me. sometimes i thought it would be cool. then i thought it would suck, cause i used to throw temper tantrums. aha, i was deranged.
man, am i pmsing or what. seriously. i hate being a chick sometimes.
lksajasknfsdlkfnlkdsnflkanlmnasfnsfmndsfmnams.
ramble.ramble.ramble.
EXPRESETATE!

i cant sleep

its 7:03 and i cant sleep. i think my mind went on auto-self power around 5:50, cause im still not used to the whole sleeping in thing. but really, im just thinkin about my guitar :]]]
seriously, theres so much to learn, and im so EAGER to learn! and my uncle, aka an awesomeeee musician, is in town, and he was showin me some stuff last night. he jammed out on my bad boy. hahah i want to name my guitar, cause all my friends who play have named theirs. its usually after boyssss or something like that. but idk what i should name mine. i was thinking about naming it after some character from the bible, but i havent decided. ahh idk. call me obessessed, but im a little kid with a new toy.
actually, im a little kid with LOTS of new toys. toys i totally shouldnt have. i know im spoiled in somethings, like friendship and love, but material possessions...idk, with mom's whole lack of job thing, i havent had much of anything. im totally not complaining though, because, hellooo, its been like that for a long time. i think both my parents just wanted to finally give me worthwhile things. well thats what my brother told me at least. cause i was feeling really guilty over everything.
mann am i selfcentered today!
its 7:09 and im really hungry. its weird. ive been goin to bed realllyy late, only to wake up realllyyy early. and it sucksssssssssss. cause i want sleep.
but i really like my guitar. ima try and post a pic of it...

its a silvertune, nothin fancy, which is exactly what i need.
thats spike. he was checkin it outt.

but anyways. im not any less tired, yet awake, than i was 12 minutes ago. im still excited about what can learn. i think i learned about 4 chords yesterday. kimya dawson's songs have about that many in the whole thing. so im gonna see if i can learn her songs. for the record though, incase ANYONE is curious, i've learned A, C, D, and G majorrrrr. :DDD it makes me happy to speak guitarrrrrrrr. hahahahh. okay. IM ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED, RIGHT?!
good. cause i am. cause ive waited since 8th grade to finally get one of these suckers. :DDDDD

thanks God for being so providing :]
seriously, there was no way that we could have normally afforded ANY of this, just by our wimpy incomes. oh no, some DIVINEEEE money went into these spendings.
like the day before christmas eve, my mom took my brother and i dressy clothes shopping, something we've needed since forever. btw, shes finally gettin her income back in with this new debt relief help job shes got. cause everyone's in debt, and shes the gal to get you out. its kind of nice, actually. cause its one of those government system beating programs. but anyways, so we went shopping, and i was in need of a coat, and i ended up getting this REALLY nice one. long story short, between my brother, myself, and a few christmas gifts, we rung up almost 500 dollars worth of stuff. then, the cashier scanned a coupon we had, scanned another thing behind her teller, my mom used her khols card, and waaabaaam, its five bucks over 200 dollars. but lemme tell ya, we got a BUNCH of clothes!! it was aaahhhhmazzin! its sooo crazy to see God work this..LIVE in our lives! aha if that makes sense. like hes never been so..surreal? i guess. ahh idk. im just really thankful for everything.

okay, and i know this is a really selfcentered post, and it prolly makes me sound like a rich little white chick, but IM NOT! im just thankful! i am. i dont like being spoiled! dont think bad thoughts pleassssee!

stuff is gettin better.

maybe its cause its christmas, and people are nice during the holidays. maybe because things are finally calming down. but things are just goin good now. unusual stuff is happening, and my perspective is positive. its odd, but im welcoming it.
m brother is being really nice to me. its such a change from how it used to be when we were younger. but were maturing.

seriously, weird things are happening, but im just sort of goin with them. mylifeisaverage isnt that funny to me anymore, cept the ones about harry potter. things change i guess.
i see the change in me too. like change even from last month. within the next week or so im gonna write about the changes from last year, but that wont be a happy one. this one is.
maybe im just livin in these happy moments. i know they wont last forever, but everything is just so.. right ..right now. as stephen once said "everything's happy."

"Make it your ambition to lead a quite life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
1st thessalonian 4: 11-12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6f4a3cpSow&feature=related

some people never change.
whether the level of ignorance is bold, or whether they've noticed the change is needed,
it's still a disappointment to see the lack of adjustments.

sometimes, the change is blunt and brutal.
that it happens so fast that it's hardly witnessed.
but, the effects are never forgotten.

other times the change can easily be seen.
it may be slow and gradual, but progressing nonetheless.

change is tricky
and oh so easily conceived.
yet change within yourself might be harder accomplished.
this time, it belongs solely to you.
mind over matter, they say.
but what if you've lost your mind?
what if the wanted accomplishment is too vast for your mind to conquer?
what if the big picture is too big for your canvas?




what if youre just scared?
what if youre nervous for the furture?
frighten by what it holds.
intimidated by its consequences.
worried for how you'll accept them.

sometimes you cant see your own change coming.