brick by brick

so many things
so many things id like to say.
so many words
so many words that seem to fail.
those that cannot express
get left behind.
regret.
but not repentance.
guilt.
but not repentance.
those are the devil's feelings.
and im not going to take them on.
such words
such words you speak,
preach
teach.
how do you know
how do you know that youre children can hear you?
did you know
did you know im hard of hearing?
excuse me,
i said, excuse me, can you speak up?
i cant hear you over the world.
if they could just settle down,
calm down.
deep breath.
everything would be alright.
but everyone is screaming.
yelling.
hate rolls off their tongues like words.
those words
those words you said were pretty cool.
they made me think.
conviction.
but was it strong enough to make it stop?
i dont think so
i dont think so many people understood quite what you meant
when you said you wouldnt bring us out here to drown.
so why am i six feet under and upside down?
barely surviving
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause im so used to living underneath the surface.
if i could just see you,
everything would be alright.
all right.
enough is enough.
lets kick these cliches out
and make some progress.
the same progress
that you destroyed.
like a city
like a city whose walls are broken down
every brick, fallen
every solider, fallen.
every being, humbled.
humility.
the true breaking.
how that city fell,
straight in the heart,
right in the back.
defeated.
fallen.
broken.
all the kings
all the kings horses and all the kings men,
couldnt put him back together again.
back together.
like a fallen city,
should also be the reconstruction of a character.
brick by brick.

im about ready to cut my brains out.

"how does he know which ones to cut out out?"
IT DOESNT MATTER. THEY CAN ALL GO FOR ALL I CARE!

today has been one of those days,
that kind where a buttload of crap happens, and no matter what you do or how you veiw it, all you can think throughout the day is "oh crap."
like:

oh crap, i forgot to do laundry yesterday and im out of clean clothes. or, oh crap, i just cut my leg open on this stupid bleacher. or, oh crap, i just walked down the hallway with a line of blood down my leg. it probably looks like i got my freakin period. or, oh crap i just turned that test in without a name. or, oh crap, i just went through that entire 87 step problem and forgot to divide by two first. or, oh crap, i didnt mean that, but now i think i do.



i had a "discussion" with one of my oh-so-lovely "school friends" yesterday. this is basically how it went down.

-what are you doing friday night?
[let me start off saying that this friend is constantly wanting to bum at my house just so she doesnt have to be at hers, or just so she can say she has plans. in a using kind of way. i hate being used, btw. ] oh, idk yet, why?
-maybe we can hang out?? god knows tyler cant haha
eh, maybe. ash and i have been wanting to get together, idk when though. ill keep you posted.
-okey dokey
sorry we can never hang out. its just my plans arent finalized until the last minute.
- no, its cool. i just wish it wasnt this difficult.
well you could stop mocking my religious choices. then maybe i'd actually want to hang with you guys. just sayin.
-what??
-im sorry if you feel that way, but we werent mocking you
oh no, of course not. you were just laughing and making jokes about the things that are important to me. how silly of me to get those mixed up.
or you could have just not done it in the first place. you know, like cared?
-erica. obviously i didnt know it was bothering you.
obviously, you didnt care to even wonder if it was.
-we joke around all the time about everything. its not that i didnt care. its not right for you to say that.
and its right for you to joke about my choices like that in the first place?
-erica we were not talking about you. or making fun of you.
yes, yes you do. all your little jokes really bother me.
- what do i say?
everything today[stuff about how cyc must force feed us jesus juice, they saw the bracelet sydney gave me and said it was stupid. they mentioned how i always wear woodlands stuff and said that it sounds lame. they said that our youth group was stupid and that my wwjd bracelet was lame too.] all the crap you guys give me about cyc, its practically daily. im done putting up with it all.
-you could have told us sooner. and youre not exactly completely innocent either
[ i like how minuscule she made that sound..not exactly..completely. hm very strong -__- ]
tyler knows how much it bothers me, and yet he doest speak up. what difference has it really made?
-if you would tell i would stop. i try to have a good friendship with you guys, but obviously its pointless. if you cant tell me how you feel, then why bother??
as if it hasnt been written all over my face for the past month. and in case you didnt realize, this is my way of telling you.
i didnt know!!! and you cant be pissed unless you have verbally said "alyssa, what you are saying is bothering me"
i have every right to be angered by this. as a "friend" you shouldnt mock things that are important to other friends.
-okay well all i can say is sorry. but i am really fed up with all of this.
hm, wonder what thats like.
-at least i say whats bothering me and dont expect people to read minds.
at least you do.

this happened yesterday. and all day today, i dont think ive ever tried harder to avoid someone. i ended up almost being late to a class in which im usually one of the first few people present, just to not run into her. but you know what, we ended up passing in the hallway. oh crap, there she is..look away!



on another note,
something is up with my mom. i think shes depressed again. and lying to me about this "money" that shes making. shes always like "oh a check will come on this day, with this amount."
i check the mail every day. today was the first check in a long time.
regardless, shes depressive. which of course, rubs off on me. i feel...pathetic..around her. like everything is pathetic. shes lost her creativity. she doesnt try hard any more.
but what really bothers me, (i wont admit this often) is that she puts more effort into sitting in her office all day, making phone calls, then she does making dinner, or cleaning the house, or talking to me. she didnt acknowledge that i was home until 5:15 today, where she found me in her bed, asleep with the cats. (it was cold, and i was tired).
all im saying is that she worries me.

okayokayokay

i think ive got this figured out.
i dont think i could have picked anyone better to tell. and i mean this. or at least i want to mean this.
its just gonna take a lot of courage and strength, that i dont have yet, to get over this.
but in the mean time, bear with me.. all i ask for is understanding..and love. love would be nice.
youre allowed to be mad, though it might just make it worse. you wont believe how much pressure im getting from just hearing you talk about this. its so unusual for me, it sort of sends me running in the opposite direction. its going to take some getting used to.

the battle of one.

its still a surprise to me, too. if i let my mind wonder on it and realize the truth, what i did, it scares the living crap out of me. something ive fought to protect from you for ages..i still cant believe i did.
please dont expect immediate change. its hard.
strikeone

ive always viewed you guys and my problem as polar opposites. i dont think i was mentally there on saturday night, erm.. morning i should say. i honestly think God took over my mouth there and just... threw up words.
strike two.

i love you guys so much. i feel like ive hurt you. i know i have for sure, some of you. and im sorry. really, honestly, sorry.
strike three.


i feel like i have so much to say. but words fail to express.
ugh, its not a very metaphorical day, is it?
im out.

CONTRADICTS ARE BLISS!

the world is too small.

everyone knows everyone.

we recently got new seats in biology. i sit next to two jessicas and an alexe [girl.] at the end of the day, i was all hyped up about mysterygoogle and what not in the lab, and we all got on the topic of schools or something. i brought up queens grant, mkay? and so alexe is like "oh do you know catlyn such and such" and im like yeah i do, why are you on her softball team? and shes like "oh i was, but yeah.'' and of course, i always ask "oh, so do you know hunter hopkins?" and she said yes. it was more like "yeah shes alright. she was fun to be around sometimes, but most of the times shes was..ehh idk, really depressed." i was so confused. she had worded it like she still knew her and i was like.. but i dont think shes like that anymore. i asked "what? when was the last time you talked to her?" and she said "oh this was like more than 6 months ago. i would ask her how her day was and she'd be like 'oh it sucked' or something like that.''
this didnt surprise me. hunter had her days and, at the time, hated going to practice.
but i was just so taken aback at this. more than six months ago. so like, january? february? that was right when we stopped being friends. her next statement hit me.
i asked "oh...well have you seen her recently? is she still like that?"
"eh not really, i havent seen her much, but shes apparently all Godly and what now."
me:"oh thats good"
her" yeah i guess, i dont see her that much, but still."
and then we changed the topic.

it just bothers me. apparently, i was this huge burden for her. apparently, she just changed as soon as we stopped being friends. apparently, i wasnt good enough for her.
i know its been forever, but no one gets how much this whole thing has effected me. this sounds weird, but i dont go a day without thinking about it. i mean, i just dont. when you loose the best friend of your life, you just dont forget those things. those emotions just dont disappear, no matter how much prozac your on.
ha, i dont really take prozac, but i used to wish i did.

ahh, i dont know. it just bothers me. i dont know how else to explain this. it was just so..weird. such an odd coincidence. i feel like everywhere i go, someone knows her.

and what really sucks is there this girl named savannah who looks a lot like her. she acts a lot like her too, like disposition wise. its just hard to get over this when being constantly reminded.

ugh, now i feel like such a creeper. but please understand that that isnt the case. its just, idk, as creepy as this does sound, i do care about her. im allowed to to that right? i should be able to. but sometimes, i hate her, but not really. i just get really mad for what she did. sometimes i envy her for her faith in God. and sometimes, i just miss her.
is it really bad that i have all these conflicting emotions for someone im not even friends with anymore?

so i had this dream

i was in a house.
i think it was like a very large fraternity house or whatever its called.
anyways. a bunch of random people lived there. with me.
and we all had to attended this anonymous meeting for some habit. like counseling. at one point, a female counselor, rather than the typical male, came in and said she needed to run some tests on us. the whole thing looked like a dental office; we lied down in a dental chair and they poked around in our mouths and tried talking to us with all this junk in our mouths. a big pet peeve of mine. but then suddenly, the scene was switched and the woman said im timing you. run when you hear the buzzer. i was suddenly back into the frat house and i had to like get to the top of the house or something. [it was a large house, several stories.] when the buzzer went off i panicked. i didnt know my way around, and suddenly, the floors were filling with this dark green..goo. it was so gross. i think i depicted it as vomit, but i dont remember what it was. but suddenly, i was running for something, trying to make my way through this green crap. but it was like i was saving someone. and every time i ended up drowning in it. the woman would sigh, and run the simulation over again. once though, i got real close, but i was already up to my neck in this goo, and i ended up kicking myself through a window. i landed on the ground, somehow unharmed. but the scene had changed. i was on a large street corner, but it had a field of grass around it. there was a telephone pole on the corner, where a girl was standing. everyone was yelling and gasping, and talking. some time had passed, but the next thing i knew, the girl had either jumped or fallen from the very tall post. when she fell, i recognized her as a girl from my basketball class. for some reason, this really scared me. all of her friends were there, and they were just gasping at the site of her crumpled body. she had fallen into a ditch and her arm was disconnected from her body. no one was helping her, and so i did. when i reached her, she was so tiny, like a real person, only maybe i had the larger hand here. regardless, i picked her up and she felt heavy, but limp. it was scary.

im just gonna be straight here,

i know its nearly been 48 hours, but its been tough.
i want to take back everything ive said. i want to words to be forgotten, but not their meanings.
it kills me that this is how our situtation lies. friendship shouldnt be like this.

i want to say sorry, and i want to forgive, but it just doesnt seem right.

i wonder if God forgives even before you repent. does he forgive you right after you sin? i dont think so...im not sure.
but from living from that knowledge, i dont think i can forgive. not just yet.

i sort of wonder if you even know what im talking about. if you even get why i think a repentance is in order. i wonder if you even know how badly it bothers me.