"how does he know which ones to cut out out?"
IT DOESNT MATTER. THEY CAN ALL GO FOR ALL I CARE!
today has been one of those days,
that kind where a buttload of crap happens, and no matter what you do or how you veiw it, all you can think throughout the day is "oh crap."
like:
oh crap, i forgot to do laundry yesterday and im out of clean clothes. or, oh crap, i just cut my leg open on this stupid bleacher. or, oh crap, i just walked down the hallway with a line of blood down my leg. it probably looks like i got my freakin period. or, oh crap i just turned that test in without a name. or, oh crap, i just went through that entire 87 step problem and forgot to divide by two first. or, oh crap, i didnt mean that, but now i think i do.
i had a "discussion" with one of my oh-so-lovely "school friends" yesterday. this is basically how it went down.
-what are you doing friday night?
[let me start off saying that this friend is constantly wanting to bum at my house just so she doesnt have to be at hers, or just so she can say she has plans. in a using kind of way. i hate being used, btw. ] oh, idk yet, why?
-maybe we can hang out?? god knows tyler cant haha
eh, maybe. ash and i have been wanting to get together, idk when though. ill keep you posted.
-okey dokey
sorry we can never hang out. its just my plans arent finalized until the last minute.
- no, its cool. i just wish it wasnt this difficult.
well you could stop mocking my religious choices. then maybe i'd actually want to hang with you guys. just sayin.
-what??
-im sorry if you feel that way, but we werent mocking you
oh no, of course not. you were just laughing and making jokes about the things that are important to me. how silly of me to get those mixed up.
or you could have just not done it in the first place. you know, like cared?
-erica. obviously i didnt know it was bothering you.
obviously, you didnt care to even wonder if it was.
-we joke around all the time about everything. its not that i didnt care. its not right for you to say that.
and its right for you to joke about my choices like that in the first place?
-erica we were not talking about you. or making fun of you.
yes, yes you do. all your little jokes really bother me.
- what do i say?
everything today[stuff about how cyc must force feed us jesus juice, they saw the bracelet sydney gave me and said it was stupid. they mentioned how i always wear woodlands stuff and said that it sounds lame. they said that our youth group was stupid and that my wwjd bracelet was lame too.] all the crap you guys give me about cyc, its practically daily. im done putting up with it all.
-you could have told us sooner. and youre not exactly completely innocent either
[ i like how minuscule she made that sound..not exactly..completely. hm very strong -__- ]
tyler knows how much it bothers me, and yet he doest speak up. what difference has it really made?
-if you would tell i would stop. i try to have a good friendship with you guys, but obviously its pointless. if you cant tell me how you feel, then why bother??
as if it hasnt been written all over my face for the past month. and in case you didnt realize, this is my way of telling you.
i didnt know!!! and you cant be pissed unless you have verbally said "alyssa, what you are saying is bothering me"
i have every right to be angered by this. as a "friend" you shouldnt mock things that are important to other friends.
-okay well all i can say is sorry. but i am really fed up with all of this.
hm, wonder what thats like.
-at least i say whats bothering me and dont expect people to read minds.
at least you do.
this happened yesterday. and all day today, i dont think ive ever tried harder to avoid someone. i ended up almost being late to a class in which im usually one of the first few people present, just to not run into her. but you know what, we ended up passing in the hallway. oh crap, there she is..look away!
on another note,
something is up with my mom. i think shes depressed again. and lying to me about this "money" that shes making. shes always like "oh a check will come on this day, with this amount."
i check the mail every day. today was the first check in a long time.
regardless, shes depressive. which of course, rubs off on me. i feel...pathetic..around her. like everything is pathetic. shes lost her creativity. she doesnt try hard any more.
but what really bothers me, (i wont admit this often) is that she puts more effort into sitting in her office all day, making phone calls, then she does making dinner, or cleaning the house, or talking to me. she didnt acknowledge that i was home until 5:15 today, where she found me in her bed, asleep with the cats. (it was cold, and i was tired).
all im saying is that she worries me.
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