the world is too small.

everyone knows everyone.

we recently got new seats in biology. i sit next to two jessicas and an alexe [girl.] at the end of the day, i was all hyped up about mysterygoogle and what not in the lab, and we all got on the topic of schools or something. i brought up queens grant, mkay? and so alexe is like "oh do you know catlyn such and such" and im like yeah i do, why are you on her softball team? and shes like "oh i was, but yeah.'' and of course, i always ask "oh, so do you know hunter hopkins?" and she said yes. it was more like "yeah shes alright. she was fun to be around sometimes, but most of the times shes was..ehh idk, really depressed." i was so confused. she had worded it like she still knew her and i was like.. but i dont think shes like that anymore. i asked "what? when was the last time you talked to her?" and she said "oh this was like more than 6 months ago. i would ask her how her day was and she'd be like 'oh it sucked' or something like that.''
this didnt surprise me. hunter had her days and, at the time, hated going to practice.
but i was just so taken aback at this. more than six months ago. so like, january? february? that was right when we stopped being friends. her next statement hit me.
i asked "oh...well have you seen her recently? is she still like that?"
"eh not really, i havent seen her much, but shes apparently all Godly and what now."
me:"oh thats good"
her" yeah i guess, i dont see her that much, but still."
and then we changed the topic.

it just bothers me. apparently, i was this huge burden for her. apparently, she just changed as soon as we stopped being friends. apparently, i wasnt good enough for her.
i know its been forever, but no one gets how much this whole thing has effected me. this sounds weird, but i dont go a day without thinking about it. i mean, i just dont. when you loose the best friend of your life, you just dont forget those things. those emotions just dont disappear, no matter how much prozac your on.
ha, i dont really take prozac, but i used to wish i did.

ahh, i dont know. it just bothers me. i dont know how else to explain this. it was just so..weird. such an odd coincidence. i feel like everywhere i go, someone knows her.

and what really sucks is there this girl named savannah who looks a lot like her. she acts a lot like her too, like disposition wise. its just hard to get over this when being constantly reminded.

ugh, now i feel like such a creeper. but please understand that that isnt the case. its just, idk, as creepy as this does sound, i do care about her. im allowed to to that right? i should be able to. but sometimes, i hate her, but not really. i just get really mad for what she did. sometimes i envy her for her faith in God. and sometimes, i just miss her.
is it really bad that i have all these conflicting emotions for someone im not even friends with anymore?