Untitleable.

i cant think of anything to do for my art project. we have to use linear and aerial perspective. meaning stuff has to be in our back, middle, and fore ground. everyone is doing city scenes with buildings and people. and i dont want to do a water scene, it doesnt "fill the space." were going to turn the image into a colligraph(sp) ; where going to recreate the image with string and paint over it several times to make prints out of it. its a cool idea, i just have no inspiration. i think i want to have people, or a person in it. but i dont want to do nature scenes. but thats the only thing that i can think of. i've lost all inspiration. and mayday's lyrics keep ringing in my head: "i do that thing, you know what i do, when i find inspiration." BUT I HAVE NO INSPIRATION. art is just discouraging to me these days. i dont even know why. last year was good, back in art 1. but we havent done many exciting things so far. its second semester and i havent finished any of the art projects weve worked on. why is this even bothering me this much? i dont think art is my thing, like it used to be. im not sure what my thing is right now. you know, like how everyone has a thing, a hobby, a talent. like cecelia rides horses and plays soccer, nate does sports, some people play an instrument, some people have that awesome gift of writing, or a knack for
poetry. some people can sing like an angel. most people just have that natural gift that they love. i dont know what im good at, or what my "thing" is. i dont really have something that really defines me. from ages 6-13 i did taekwondo. that was my identity. that and being a charter school kid. i was also into writing back then, like short stories with cheesy morals. i was sort of into that, but i went through that whole dragon, elves, magic stage and started writing about that. but then i dropped tkd for soccer and lost all interest for that stuff. soccer was so much fun, but it was just fun. i know i cant even keep up with highschool soccer, its too intense. i wanted to just join a rec team- ashley was on one for a while but she never told me when tryouts were. then i aged out of the team. so that sucked. then at the end of 8th and into 9th grade i tried out art. i got into art one and made some semi successful pieces. but i dont have that natural eye for shadowing and memorizing shapes and structures like some really awesome people do. i can mimic artwork and doodle here and there, but i dont have a solid "identity" in art. so now its 10th grade and im still working on guitar. im really waiting for a teacher though. i dont know how to read music but im hoping that can be taught. i want to get into that, but i dont think ill be like a devout guitarist. i want to learn all the good kimya dawson songs and play for my youth group, but thats really it. i dont have high dreams for it. and now im left contemplating what i want to do with my life. people are always asking where i want to go for college and do when i get older. but im really just not sure. ive been telling people app, but i think thats just cause it seems like a cool school thats far enough away from home, but also in state. but the more i think about it, the more i want to move further away. i was thinking maybe north, but now im thinking south. maybe alabama or georgia. this is what im trying to distract myself with this sunday.
everyone's out and enjoying this awesome weather. my window is open, but its kind of a bummer to go on walks alone. this is becoming more a ramble fest than something productive. im just bent out of shape over really dumb things. and i want to talk about them, but i dont want to sound pathetic and needy. even though i know i most likely am.
i wish the fray would combine their music and lyrics with linkin park's. cross "in pieces" by linkin park with "heaven forbid" by the fray. that would be the best song.

Another Downer

its difficult being happy, okay? im just an overthinker who cant let things go. just let me be for now, please.


having an uncomfortable home life is unsettling; it makes everything harder. it causes more fights, more callouses, more wear and definitely more tare. it causes split lips and heavy hearts. poor grades and sloppy art. lonely nights and torched feelings, over eating and much screaming.

telling her all this wouldn't solve anything. shes not progressive. she doesn't care that much. we're both selfish people, but im not totally clueless. it's one thing to see an problem, another to do something about it, and a hurtful thing not to do either.
i don't want a relationship with her. i just want it to be gone.

dude this weekend just wasn't that enjoyable. i felt sick like the entire time because of either the food, the people, or from myself. and i am not glad to be home. i didnt exactly receive the "welcome wagon" upon my arrival. in fact, i got more of a "welcome home" from other's parents than i did from my own. i hate living here.

i learned in psychology that a toddler has egocentric thinking; meaning that they cannot view another perspective besides their own. "In a youg child's view, it is very possible that it rains because the sky is sad. If your baby brother gets sick and goes to the hospital, it could be your fault if you were mad at him the day before. If you want something very, very badly and it happens, then your wanting caused it to happen" (Benjamin Spock). but im wondering if we as humans really ever lose or grow out of that mentality. if we think that others reactions are just responses to our actions. i know i think like that. but i always correct myself. im not nearly that significant anyone's life to have such reactions. but how i would love to be! sometimes i read things and secretly hope they are about me. sometimes the irony is so crisp, how it relates to them, yet spells out my life, my wants. i am incredibly selfish! justification: is it so much to ask to be loved for who i am? i cant tell if this is genuine infatuation or simply because i want some one to love. sometimes though..i think we could be 'yolked,' as he call it. its something i never considered until now. oh the risk of telling! i feel very egocentric. and dramatic. but im hoping. and praying about it every day. i just hope he's in God's will.

one two three, counting out the signs we see

my cat bites my other cat in the neck and it just about breaks my heart. i yanked spike away from tiger and he bit his butt instead. maybe he was just playful, but it hurt him. even though tiger is older and bigger, spike is young and more active, and definitely more playful. he gets very rambunctious but it hurts tiger. tiger is getting old, and that makes me so sad. i love this cat to death. he's been my best friend forever. he gets sad too, like right now. we get eachother.
i know, hes a cat. but they are really smarter than we give them credit for. they're capable of problem solving and insight. theyre incredible creatures.
spike just tried to bite tiger again. i saved him. but they ran off, outside of my room. i hope hes okay.