failure by design?

mr. pucket (my psych teacher) read one of my dreams from my dream journal assignment aloud to one of his classes. ashley and alyssa both told me it happened. when i confronted mr pucket, he said that he enjoyed the structure of the dreams, and the content. he said i have a gift for writing. i elaborated, wrote pages for a single dream- i cant help it, i remember everything about my dreams, especially those so vivid. but this moved me. my parents have always said i have a "gift" for writing, but parents will tell you anything you want to hear and cant be trusted. nor can they accurately judge. but he talked in depth with me about how he hardly sees "such a gift." that was touching. he told me that i should pursue an english based career. i said ive considered it.

skitzophrenia

whatever, ill fall out if i want to fall out.
but do you want to fall out?
..no... i really dont. but i dont think they'd stop it. they sure dont mind now.
i thought they were you best friends.
i thought they were too.
you sound kind of angry. i thought you said you werent going to be mad.
i did say that. and now i take it back. i see whats more important. feeding the heart.
thats kind of harsh.
i know. but so are their actions.
this is a bit dramatic, dont you think?
oh i know- im already drifting, might as well go out with a bang.
and this is your ideal way of a bang?
no. i was hoping (if it had to happen at all) that it would happen when the current juniors left for college.
so what now?
i guess i get to know the neighborhood kids.
the school friends.
yes.
the ones that arent christians.
like that matters anymore? their the ones that are always end up hurting you more. they say true christians have that "inseparable bond." whatever.
well that means one of you arent doing your part.
id say more than one.
who's to judge here?
whatever. theyre not stopping it and im trying my best to prevent it.
tragic.
it is to me. these guys were my life. i still want them to be.
what about God prioritizing your life? him changing it for the better?
im not ready to accept that this is really happening yet.
but you just said it is.
well, maybe i was letting the drama get to me.
yeah..maybe you were.
what you think this is for real?
well if you said it is....whatever happened to that "if you set your mind to it" deal..does that not apply here?
look i dont want this to happen. i just want to be accepted..and loved. love is important.
you dont want to get hurt.
never. i want to be happy. but i dont think i can without these guys.
i see.
...its all my fault. i must have done something for them to not like me. for them to only talk to me out of pity. i hate it when they say that they miss me. its NEVER genuine. they dont know what missing someone really feels like.
they dont?
oh i dont know!
then what do you know?
that i should probably be submitted to a mental institute.
good idea.

letterbomb.

im pretty bummed right now. the sophomores received their class ranks today at school, and out of 635, im 171. top 26 percentile. everyone says that its "not bad" but to me, its not good enough. im working my butt off, staying up late, doing all the extra credit, really putting effort into everything, and i can only pull away with a 3.1 unweighted gpa. when all the so not overachievers of my grade taking all regular classes are sitting here with all A's and having some of the highest stuff.
knowledge has become so foreign to me lately, i cant really explain it, but i feel like people who understand different languages and who can decipher calculus as a sophomore, and who can write really really well, theyre like a different specie. i feel like all these people at my school are so incredible gifted, whether in memorizing data, or learning the basic facts, drawing, singing, playing an instrument. i feel like im doing it all wrong. i feel like the school sent out a memo to everyone but me explaining how to grasp this knowledge. this mutual understanding of things. and i see it, and i envy it. i long for it so badly. im starting to think that im really not all that great and dandy. like im not this "outgoing, intelligent kid" my folks have raved about. no, thats my brother. rather, i feel more average, more plain and stupid. im starting to wonder if i have a mental disability. i feel like i cant grasp things as easily, even though im putting some real solid effort into things. its almost as if my brain has a maximum capacity and its filled to the brim. i feel very unintelligent. all i care about is psych. i dont want to learn anything else. that and sociology. i just want to get out of highschool already. im signing up for classes for the the new high school, they have next to nothing. its like all the basic classes and like 4 gym classes and like ap crafts. and thats it. oh and creative writing. i put that as an alternative, cause i dont think i can summon any creativity. maybe right now, but i find all my works being dark.

on another note, the youth is out tonight. this is the 4th night ive let this happen. a big problem is because i dont have the 8, or 10, or 5 bucks to allow me to do things. whats really disapointing is that ive paid so many times for people, like i buy stephen drinks, and i buy the girls coffee, shoot i even provided 20 bucks worth of bojangles and no one paid me back. i bought cc a 4o buck christmas gift and i said it was from everyone. all im saying is that it would be nice to get some of that back. like instead of saying "oh sorry that sucks you cant come," how bout you guys spot me the 4 bucks it takes to go skating. i know, four dollars, most people can find that in change under their couch cushions. i just cant.

my grandpa came up to me and told me that when he was enrolled in a boy's school in greece, he and the a bunch of the boys would sit by a fire and listen to an old record player. one of their favorite records had a spanish song on it, and he told me some of the lyrics. Estan grande el dollor no puedo llorar. the pain is so large i cannot cry. thats pretty much how i feel right now. green day's opening lyrics to letterbomb sort of ring in my ears too: Nobody likes you, everyone left you, theyre all out without you, having fun. thats exactly how it is right now. even though i told kimberly i wouldnt be mad about her decision, she did decide to go hang out with stephen and them rather than follow through with our plans.
i will be so crushed if they play in the rain.

MMHMM

The way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods
I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
Clear myself of this clouded mind- I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found.
I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships i've thrown away so many things that could have been much more
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
what happened to us? i heard that its me we should blame. why didnt you stop me from turning out this way? i know i dont hate you, and i know that i dont want to fight you.
ive got to get away, to get away from all of my mistakes. I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that?
running from you is what my best defense is.
And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint to get cut enough to wake me up.
and you said "I know that this will hurt but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse."
i will stare at you in disbelief, crying out for consistency.
I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
who i am hates who ive been.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again.
who i am hates who ive been.

downtown

today i went to downtown charlotte for a gallery crawl, but we really only went to one gallery, or one place really- the light factory. some of the work was really inspiring, but not in a way that you would think. i think it opened my eyes to see that i was NOT cut out for this art thing. i think we were all born with this innate, natural gift, some with many. like how some people can just stare at a soccer ball and it practically bounces for them, or how some people are those born musicians. eh i just dont think art is my thing. but these people..these people who can draw, paint, sculpt, and create..theyre just awesome! i went to the city with a group from my school, from the national art honors society club..i have no idea why im in that, but anyways, some of their work was actually in the galleries, no lie. and i saw them, and im just like, dang, theyre good. so unique. they may have plain features, but they are beautiful in being.

but walking around the streets and sidewalks made me want to blog so badly. but now that im home in boringsville, i suddenly didnt want to. but i forced these few words out of my system.
and now, im really tired. maybe ill blog about my moments tomorrow.