letterbomb.

im pretty bummed right now. the sophomores received their class ranks today at school, and out of 635, im 171. top 26 percentile. everyone says that its "not bad" but to me, its not good enough. im working my butt off, staying up late, doing all the extra credit, really putting effort into everything, and i can only pull away with a 3.1 unweighted gpa. when all the so not overachievers of my grade taking all regular classes are sitting here with all A's and having some of the highest stuff.
knowledge has become so foreign to me lately, i cant really explain it, but i feel like people who understand different languages and who can decipher calculus as a sophomore, and who can write really really well, theyre like a different specie. i feel like all these people at my school are so incredible gifted, whether in memorizing data, or learning the basic facts, drawing, singing, playing an instrument. i feel like im doing it all wrong. i feel like the school sent out a memo to everyone but me explaining how to grasp this knowledge. this mutual understanding of things. and i see it, and i envy it. i long for it so badly. im starting to think that im really not all that great and dandy. like im not this "outgoing, intelligent kid" my folks have raved about. no, thats my brother. rather, i feel more average, more plain and stupid. im starting to wonder if i have a mental disability. i feel like i cant grasp things as easily, even though im putting some real solid effort into things. its almost as if my brain has a maximum capacity and its filled to the brim. i feel very unintelligent. all i care about is psych. i dont want to learn anything else. that and sociology. i just want to get out of highschool already. im signing up for classes for the the new high school, they have next to nothing. its like all the basic classes and like 4 gym classes and like ap crafts. and thats it. oh and creative writing. i put that as an alternative, cause i dont think i can summon any creativity. maybe right now, but i find all my works being dark.

on another note, the youth is out tonight. this is the 4th night ive let this happen. a big problem is because i dont have the 8, or 10, or 5 bucks to allow me to do things. whats really disapointing is that ive paid so many times for people, like i buy stephen drinks, and i buy the girls coffee, shoot i even provided 20 bucks worth of bojangles and no one paid me back. i bought cc a 4o buck christmas gift and i said it was from everyone. all im saying is that it would be nice to get some of that back. like instead of saying "oh sorry that sucks you cant come," how bout you guys spot me the 4 bucks it takes to go skating. i know, four dollars, most people can find that in change under their couch cushions. i just cant.

my grandpa came up to me and told me that when he was enrolled in a boy's school in greece, he and the a bunch of the boys would sit by a fire and listen to an old record player. one of their favorite records had a spanish song on it, and he told me some of the lyrics. Estan grande el dollor no puedo llorar. the pain is so large i cannot cry. thats pretty much how i feel right now. green day's opening lyrics to letterbomb sort of ring in my ears too: Nobody likes you, everyone left you, theyre all out without you, having fun. thats exactly how it is right now. even though i told kimberly i wouldnt be mad about her decision, she did decide to go hang out with stephen and them rather than follow through with our plans.
i will be so crushed if they play in the rain.