oh, the titles.

i need to get a lot out. i need to be expressive. im stressed out, yet dont have a reason to be. though today i learned how shallow my whole entire family is. thats the problem with seeing them so much, i get to know them too well.
basically, im agrivated with them,.
basically, im the only one who sees the problems.
basically, im too much of an underdog to do anything about it.
my uncle still looks at me like im a little kid. just because i dont know any 1980's trivial pursuit doesnt mean im unintelligent. though my grades may say otherwise, there are things that cannot be learned from textbooks.

im going to do it. i just have that kind of mindset. its sort of an oxymoronic type of discipline, though.

I AM SO NEGATIVE. gah, can you tell im pmsing? i certainly can. these mood swings are dangerous! and i FREAKIN RAN OUT OF TAMPONS. UGH. and of course every freakin store is closed on christmas! so its not like i could have gone there and fixed my problem. ugh.
okayyeah. im depressed. it irritates the living crap out of me. i freakin hate my constant depressive state, my negative stand point. but given my positions in life, i dont know how else to view things.
i know i wasnt given this observant over analytical mind for nothing. but what am i supposed to do with it? its like a gifted curse, you know? maybe. IM EGOTISTICAL. what can i say? i find my faults in other people and then learn to despise them. so yeha, i hate myself. what to it? i think that if i ran into an exact replica of me somewhere else in the world, exact personality and everything, i wouldnt like it. like even if i tried to be friends with myself, i wouldnt enjoy it. this isnt the first time ive thought that either. when i was younger, and didnt have that many friends, i used to think what it was like to be friends with me. sometimes i thought it would be cool. then i thought it would suck, cause i used to throw temper tantrums. aha, i was deranged.
man, am i pmsing or what. seriously. i hate being a chick sometimes.
lksajasknfsdlkfnlkdsnflkanlmnasfnsfmndsfmnams.
ramble.ramble.ramble.
EXPRESETATE!

i cant sleep

its 7:03 and i cant sleep. i think my mind went on auto-self power around 5:50, cause im still not used to the whole sleeping in thing. but really, im just thinkin about my guitar :]]]
seriously, theres so much to learn, and im so EAGER to learn! and my uncle, aka an awesomeeee musician, is in town, and he was showin me some stuff last night. he jammed out on my bad boy. hahah i want to name my guitar, cause all my friends who play have named theirs. its usually after boyssss or something like that. but idk what i should name mine. i was thinking about naming it after some character from the bible, but i havent decided. ahh idk. call me obessessed, but im a little kid with a new toy.
actually, im a little kid with LOTS of new toys. toys i totally shouldnt have. i know im spoiled in somethings, like friendship and love, but material possessions...idk, with mom's whole lack of job thing, i havent had much of anything. im totally not complaining though, because, hellooo, its been like that for a long time. i think both my parents just wanted to finally give me worthwhile things. well thats what my brother told me at least. cause i was feeling really guilty over everything.
mann am i selfcentered today!
its 7:09 and im really hungry. its weird. ive been goin to bed realllyy late, only to wake up realllyyy early. and it sucksssssssssss. cause i want sleep.
but i really like my guitar. ima try and post a pic of it...

its a silvertune, nothin fancy, which is exactly what i need.
thats spike. he was checkin it outt.

but anyways. im not any less tired, yet awake, than i was 12 minutes ago. im still excited about what can learn. i think i learned about 4 chords yesterday. kimya dawson's songs have about that many in the whole thing. so im gonna see if i can learn her songs. for the record though, incase ANYONE is curious, i've learned A, C, D, and G majorrrrr. :DDD it makes me happy to speak guitarrrrrrrr. hahahahh. okay. IM ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED, RIGHT?!
good. cause i am. cause ive waited since 8th grade to finally get one of these suckers. :DDDDD

thanks God for being so providing :]
seriously, there was no way that we could have normally afforded ANY of this, just by our wimpy incomes. oh no, some DIVINEEEE money went into these spendings.
like the day before christmas eve, my mom took my brother and i dressy clothes shopping, something we've needed since forever. btw, shes finally gettin her income back in with this new debt relief help job shes got. cause everyone's in debt, and shes the gal to get you out. its kind of nice, actually. cause its one of those government system beating programs. but anyways, so we went shopping, and i was in need of a coat, and i ended up getting this REALLY nice one. long story short, between my brother, myself, and a few christmas gifts, we rung up almost 500 dollars worth of stuff. then, the cashier scanned a coupon we had, scanned another thing behind her teller, my mom used her khols card, and waaabaaam, its five bucks over 200 dollars. but lemme tell ya, we got a BUNCH of clothes!! it was aaahhhhmazzin! its sooo crazy to see God work this..LIVE in our lives! aha if that makes sense. like hes never been so..surreal? i guess. ahh idk. im just really thankful for everything.

okay, and i know this is a really selfcentered post, and it prolly makes me sound like a rich little white chick, but IM NOT! im just thankful! i am. i dont like being spoiled! dont think bad thoughts pleassssee!

stuff is gettin better.

maybe its cause its christmas, and people are nice during the holidays. maybe because things are finally calming down. but things are just goin good now. unusual stuff is happening, and my perspective is positive. its odd, but im welcoming it.
m brother is being really nice to me. its such a change from how it used to be when we were younger. but were maturing.

seriously, weird things are happening, but im just sort of goin with them. mylifeisaverage isnt that funny to me anymore, cept the ones about harry potter. things change i guess.
i see the change in me too. like change even from last month. within the next week or so im gonna write about the changes from last year, but that wont be a happy one. this one is.
maybe im just livin in these happy moments. i know they wont last forever, but everything is just so.. right ..right now. as stephen once said "everything's happy."

"Make it your ambition to lead a quite life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
1st thessalonian 4: 11-12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6f4a3cpSow&feature=related

some people never change.
whether the level of ignorance is bold, or whether they've noticed the change is needed,
it's still a disappointment to see the lack of adjustments.

sometimes, the change is blunt and brutal.
that it happens so fast that it's hardly witnessed.
but, the effects are never forgotten.

other times the change can easily be seen.
it may be slow and gradual, but progressing nonetheless.

change is tricky
and oh so easily conceived.
yet change within yourself might be harder accomplished.
this time, it belongs solely to you.
mind over matter, they say.
but what if you've lost your mind?
what if the wanted accomplishment is too vast for your mind to conquer?
what if the big picture is too big for your canvas?




what if youre just scared?
what if youre nervous for the furture?
frighten by what it holds.
intimidated by its consequences.
worried for how you'll accept them.

sometimes you cant see your own change coming.

the aftermath of a storm.

maybe its the fact that i saw ms ramsey today. maybe i missed her sarcastic humor and witty comebacks. and learning from her, more than just math knowledge, maybe it just brought back some old memories. some old feelings.
or maybe was once again surrounded in a queens grant atmosphere. where i met up with some old friends and heard about old relationships.
or perhaps its cause i got reconnected with ash, and finally had some quality best friend time together, the kind that reminds me of a time way back, the kind where we used to sit on the driveway for hours and talk about nothing, in the deep heat of summer. that was the best.
maybe it was ash's family. they always make me happy. a perfect family of four. who sit down and have dinner every night and keep the house clean. maybe they just make me peaceful.
maybe it was youth. maybe tonight's lesson hit somewhere deep. tim's been striking home in my heart these past couple of weeks. maybe i got to see everyone tonight, and that made me very happy.
maybe it was the fact that things are falling back in place with some friends, that the damage is finally healing. that forgiving and forgiving is really possible.
maybe its the fact that i have something to look forward to. to finally get to go to the school of my dreams and see a comical play with the people i love in it.
maybe, maybe im just happy for once.
maybe the good finally outrules the bad.
im just, peaceful.
maybe its cause i listened to the fray and relient k all day. music effects my mood, thats for sure.
maybe, maybe it just feels good to be open, a little exposed, but also, not. im still protected by words. and that is comforting to me. maybe because its so simple. im really not sure. but i know im just peaceful for once.

i sort of feel like a storm:
before the storm, the wind builds, the dark clouds roll in, the dark clouds take position, ready to battle.
then you hear it. the thunder billows, the lightning strikes, attracted to the all,
destroys the most vulnerable-
but never strikes twice.
the rain pours furiously, it blinds the sight from seeing whats ahead.
the wind slaps against you, its bitter and cold.
the storm fights. it strikes and blocks and yells and screams.
its a battle between the forces.
and as quick as it came,
it leaves.
it lightens, the rain lessens, the wind dies down.
the lightning looses intensity,
the the thunder fades,
the clouds roll away.
and youre left with a beautiful scene;
the sky is decorated in multicolor hues,
the clouds reflect it all,
light streaming in from the cracks,
and eventually,
the clouds break,
the light exposed,
the sky is bright,
light shining everywhere,
a magnificent portrait of beauty.
the storm clouds are hidden between light and dark,
oh, theyre not ignored,
or forgotten,
just set aside
until its time to pour out again,
delivering a whole new round of storms.
but until then,
we wait,
bracing ourselves,
but soaking up the scene in front of us.

i need to get over myself.

okay, so saying id rather go to heaven than to school was extreme. but its rational in my mind. speaking of justifacation, there goes my brick wall. poor city.

oh man.

my essay sucks.
its 12:01 am and i think im going to die.
not really, but sometimes i think its better than whats to come. lets seeeee
-spend and eternity in heaven with God?
orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
-go to school an fail at everything?

im just sayin. sometimes it doesnt sound so bad.

back to my essay. i realized how off topic i am through two whole pages of the essay. shes gonna count off hard on that one. :/ ugh. i wish i could just work on it one more day. I HATE THAT I WAITED THIS LONG. this is why i hate my undisciplined self. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.
i told my mom all this and she said, "eh youre probably gonna be kickin yourself for a while about this one, arent ya?"
all i said is "something like that."


meanwhile, i think my computer has a virus. not only that but it started putting random porno icons on my computer. TALK ABOUT FRICKEN AWKWARD. so i gave up and just went back to using my moms. ugh.
i think im doing everything wrong.
i wish i could just skipp the next two weeks of my life. theyre gonna be so hard. ugh.
okay. well if you'll excuse me, im going to go print this failure of an essay and prolly go cry my eyes out now. mk?
mk.

sometimes

i just really hate myself.

by myself

what do i do to ignore them behind me?
do i follow my instincts blindly?
do i hide my pride from these bad dreams
and give into sad thoughts that are maddening?
do i sit here and try and stand it?
or do i try and catch them red handed.
do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness
or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?
because i cant hold on when im stretched so thin,
i make the right moves but im lost within.
i put on my daily facade, but then
i just end up getting hurt again
by myself.
i cant hold on
to what i want when im stretched so thin.
it's all too much to take in.
i cant hold on
to anything watching everything spin,
with thoughts of failure sinking in.
how do you think ive lost so much?
i cant tell you how to make it go.
no matter what i do, how hard i try,
i cant seem to convince myself why
im stuck on the outside.

thankyou, dear Linkin Park for these lyrics, for capturing all the right words.