october 30th

i am sleeping way too much than i should be. but i feel like i really need it. i took night time cold meds last night, hoping to officially terminate this flubug, but all it did was extremely tire me even more. i was already exhausted by midnight, so falling asleep was not the hard part. getting up was. i slept for nine hours, i should have felt refreshed, but i felt awful. like i got hit by a truck in my sleep. i got up to hopefully get an early start on my paper, but thirty minutes later, i was knocked out again. i got up periodically at 10 and then 12 to pee, but i was still tired so i slept again until 1:3o. thats the latest ive ever slept.
so i got up and read for the next hour, promising myself that i would start my paper at three. i went to take a shower, but it ended up being one of those "sit in the tub and shave with the shower running" showers, but i found myself sitting there staring into space. it was scary, i took a 30 minute shower- that isnt typical of me. i got out, got dressed, and sat down on my bed. the next thing that i know, i am out cold. well, warm really. it was 4 pm and im bundled up next to my cats sleeping. suddenly, i awake to a car alarm. some idiot's car alarm went off about every 8 minutes for the next hour. the same hour that i spent sleeping...again. i deciced to get up when i heard my mother yelling about dinner. it was 6 o'clock. i hadnt started my paper at all. and here i am, freaking out, because i shouldnt be this tired!
really thinking about it, i think i slept over 18 hours in the past twenty four hours. and i am still very tired. i could curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of the night, if i allowed myself to. but my rough draft is due monday, and i still dont know how to incorporate a visual into my paper. i really havent done enough research, i know this for fact. i'm terrible, miserable, setting my own doom. if it were a research paper, this thing would be done. i would have my visual, i could ownnnnn any topic. why did i have to pick such a dumb topic? "the constitution does not support the separation of church and state." blahh boring. why am i making myself do this?
what the heck is wrong with me?

willy wonka is so silly.

i have dandruff.
i bite my nails.
my car will always be dirty.
my clothes will prolly never be perfectly folded, nor clean.
the hair on my head will always be nappy.
i can only do "windows" and blare music when it's just me in the car. everyone else must pick one or the other.
i come with a guarantee for tripping.
saying "uhm" is my way of living.
mispronouncing words is my specialty.
i say "i'm sorry" because i'm from the south.
i AM from the south, i cannot tolerate northern driving.
i frequently replace R's for W's, and W's for L's.
i am not "honors" material.
i will always joke about drugs, but i will never do them.
the people at my school either
a) intimidate me
b) mock me
c) make me ashamed of humanity
my family isnt a family. were a household unit.
my art isnt art. its an explosion of my brain.
my room is a symbol of my sanity.
it's also 97% of the time messy.
i will complain about everything, but not ever mean the words i say.
i will tell people everything i think; other's opinions dont hold me back.
i still have love for everyone though.
most of the time, i probably sound like a huge ol' hypocrite.
i pick at my scabbs.
i have little to no self confidence.
i dont wear the right shoe size.
i dont really pay attention to what i say, just what i think.
i exaggerate a million times a day.

and yet, after all of these things, i am still pretty alright with who i am. ive been ridiculed a couple too many times by friends because of this. i'm not accepted as i'd like to be, thus, i am twice as acceptable. or so i try. please, i just want companionship.

not about red duck tape.

i am having the most trouble focusing on anything school related. i very badly just want to forget about school altogether. i'm just getting by in all of my classes, but i feel like i could be doing so much better. i dont know how those ap us history kids do it. they balance out 4 aps altogether. i wonder if they were ever sane. myself, nah my sanity left about two years ago.
ah, lets quit the crap. this post was supposed to be happy, to be light and airy. it was about to be about the many accomplishments through christ. it was supposed to be God honoring. that was my resolution, right? who can fight this off? im exhausted, in every sense of the word. i'm sort of tired of chasing my friends. i think for now on i'll just let them come to me. wait, no. i care for them too much. what the heck do i do? do i let the lost be lost, and the curious wonder? all i can think about is this dang spongebob silly band. not that its there, but that i feel like the biggest sinner in the world. maybe its the guilt cause i traded this poor girl a lousy seahorse for it. but she was happy to do it? is this really what my life has dwindled down to, silly bandz? look, i even spelled it with a z. how cool am i.
the other day after work homework and a shower, a thought occured to me- wow, i am way too tired to even complain about being tired. i have cyc tomorrow, i should be freakishly excited, but lets face it, i'm not. im dreading it because im so tired. i hate feeling like this. last year, i took four hour naps. this year, i sleep four hours a night. well, not really, more like 5 or 6. but i feel like im just taking naps. i dont shower as much as i used to, and i really only do laundry once every two weeks, because i just dont have the time.
I DONT WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS FOREVER. someone please tell me it gets better than this. these are supposed to be the best years of my life. but i'm not living. im routining. every day, monotonous and mundane. i get so discouraged by chemistry, its not even funny. its fourth period, so its not like it could be at a worse time. i am just so sick of coming to my car every day afterschool and either sitting there and crying or driving away angrily while blasting brand new. i just hate living like this. constantly on the run, without sleep. i need the job, i really do. its doing me good. or thats what everyone is telling me. but what if it effects my grades too much. what if i end up not getting a high enough sat score and i have to go to a local college and i'll have to live at home. then i'll still have to work, plus do college and still look after the house- i dont even want to think about this. life is coming at me, full speed for a crash landing. i dont want to be there when it crashes. bang.

i still feel like i have tape over my mouth.

everything that i've done, i really do owe to God.

i cannot imagine what my life would be like if God was not my prime motivator. earlier today it hit me in the hallways- wow, i am so thankful to be living for God. and not for others. i have no one to impress but myself. i dont have to subject to any silly or foolish commands, everything God commands me to do is justified by his word. i dont have to listen to the world, God is whispering every move in my ear! it's fantastic...when i listen at least.
i imagined today to be a very difficult day. outwardly, i complained of how painstaking my homework load was. but really, it wasnt all that bad. i mean yes, this is the most ive had all year, but that's my fault. im the one who procrastinated- what i'm saying is, i was able to do it diligently through God.
someone recently pointed out to me that one way of glorifying God is through diligently trying, giving something your very best and nothing less. because when you reach full potential, God gives His potential to you.
it was 7pm. my spanish lab partners had just left, we actually got a lot of work done, from 5:30-6:30. we talked about all the nights work we had to do- and unison groan echoed through my dining room. by 8pm i had eaten dinner and braced myself for what was to come. but my eyelids grew very droopy. i set a 7 minute timer on my phone and decided to give my eyes a break. i set the short alarm, quickly begging God that this would give me the energy to keep going. the timer went off and i tried resetting my alarm to go off at 8:12. i remember falling into a pretty deep sleep, when i suddenly felt the need to get up and get going. i awoke very quickly, and i felt extremely well rested. i checked the clock-8:18, i never remembered hearing the alarm. God had woken me up! in my sleepy awakening, i reset my alarm for the am, but God nudged me awake. he said "lets go, you can do this. here have some stregnth!" and he just mercifully gave it to me, with me barely asking! and here it is, 12:30, and i feel super energized, well sort of. i had just enough left in me to write this, and also read some scripture.

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and knowledge, so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gifts, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord. God is faithful, by whom you wer called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
-1 CORINTHIANS 4-9

a justified offence.

offending people. it seems like thats all i do these days.
the first amendment says we have freedom of religion, assembly, press, petition, and speech. and yet, if it suddenly offends someone, no doubt one of my promises are taken from me. like at school, i was brutally reprimanded by a friend for talking about the differences of denominations, while also talking about forming a CYC club. lets see, that takes away 1)religion, 2)assembly, and 3)speech. all because people don't like what i'm having to say.
on that same day, i wrote a very biblically supported argument to my friend about how this is what i'm called to do- offend people, make them feel uncomfortable in their current ungodly situations. in matthews, jesus eats with the pharisees, and they call him out for not cleaning before eating, and he's like "dont worry about me, i am good. you are bad. you care more about your fancy practices than the heart inside. WOE TO YOU!" and the phariesees are like "you offend us!" and jesus is like "you offend God for doing this!" and it just about shuts them up.

well, what if the present day church was offending God today? God is significant, right? YES. so is the president, right? yeahh. so why do people dress up for the president, but not for God. would you show up to the white house in sweat pants, or jerseys, or low cut tops, skinny jeans, (or jeans none the less) or in a hat? no, you wouldnt. so why would you show up to church like that. God doesnt want to see that. the bible says not to worry about what you wear, but it also calls us to respect God and ourselves with what we do wear.

i also dont understand how people can be offended by something when it doesnt even apply to them. like non practicing catholics. theyre comfirmed when they're little, but dont go to church anymore. if you dont care about something, then how can you even form an opinion about it? its not justified.

i think the monks had it right. to be completely separated from the world, in a peaceful environment, just meditating on scripture day and night. a lot of these modern day churches are about emotions; they feed off of them. "listen to our sappy song, watch our depressing video. now give some money or i'll make you feel even worse." thats what elevation was about today. or on others "listen to our revved up music with our fancy lights, listen to us NOT praise God by conforming to the patterns of this world(despite what romans 12 tells us!)" it just bothers me, thats how they get people going. through emotion. when they sing songs like "i found you jesus, i was dead and now i am alive because i found you." or something like that. it isnt even true. jesus found YOU. you did nothing. bah. i cant even describe any of this right. i guess i should just go back to writing my own paper. just had to get this out.

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stomach hurts. want to throw up and pass out at the same time. my body is telling me how tired i am. there is so much to be done, so much i'd rather be doing right now. i could handle it before. its just that now, i feel like i am wasting time in the areas that matter the most. this junior paper has gotten me all in a fuss. class of 13 doesnt have to do it, but class of 12 does. what gives? arg. its argumentative too. not just a boring ol research paper. its making me so frustrated.

i am just so tired. work is killing me. sounds pathetic. but people dont understand how hard it is to watch 7 children, ages 5-10 for four hours. its a lot harder than you think. especially when alone. everyone is touching you, everyone asks questions, everyone critiques. they are lucky they are blocked by childhood ignorance.

unlike instructor tarrus, who's snappy remarks are just not wanted. theres this one guy who comes like every other day to king tiger, he teaches class and helps leads and what not. but he a jerk to the kids and to me. if someone is changing in the bathroom, he makes them get out so he can change. even if these kids are butt naked. he doesnt even use the mens bathroom, he changes in the womans! kicks the girls out, and changes. thats just wrong. plus, he acts like he's never had kids himself, when in fact, he is married and has two college kids. he speaks spanish, but he mocks me for mine. he corrects every word i say, the only difference is that his accent is stronger. he's got an ego. and it really ticks me off when he tells me how to do my job. like today, i was talking to a disobedient mexican girl, who speaks more english than spanish, but still not much of both. i was speaking in english, and this guy comes of and starts pattering off in spanish. i understood most of it, stuff like "listen to us, you need to tell us whats wrong. get up, talk to us, smile, be happy." i got all that. but what's funny is that the little girl didnt. another kid said that she didnt understand what he said, i said i caught a little bit of it, and he turns and laughs and said to be "nahh, no you didnt." and it really ticked me off, because i did. im not some ignorant gringa! but then the little girl he was lecturing is like "i dont understand him!" and she ran off. it was so hilarious. i laughed my freakin butt off.

crap. its 12 am. i have to get up in 5 hours. ughhhhh. i freakin hate this. i am gone from 6:30 am- 6:30 pm every day. i dont start hw till about 7:30. if even that. ughhfhdagvhsdlknghsdhkhdvkhvzdkvhd. life is stressful right now. im so sleepy.