not about red duck tape.

i am having the most trouble focusing on anything school related. i very badly just want to forget about school altogether. i'm just getting by in all of my classes, but i feel like i could be doing so much better. i dont know how those ap us history kids do it. they balance out 4 aps altogether. i wonder if they were ever sane. myself, nah my sanity left about two years ago.
ah, lets quit the crap. this post was supposed to be happy, to be light and airy. it was about to be about the many accomplishments through christ. it was supposed to be God honoring. that was my resolution, right? who can fight this off? im exhausted, in every sense of the word. i'm sort of tired of chasing my friends. i think for now on i'll just let them come to me. wait, no. i care for them too much. what the heck do i do? do i let the lost be lost, and the curious wonder? all i can think about is this dang spongebob silly band. not that its there, but that i feel like the biggest sinner in the world. maybe its the guilt cause i traded this poor girl a lousy seahorse for it. but she was happy to do it? is this really what my life has dwindled down to, silly bandz? look, i even spelled it with a z. how cool am i.
the other day after work homework and a shower, a thought occured to me- wow, i am way too tired to even complain about being tired. i have cyc tomorrow, i should be freakishly excited, but lets face it, i'm not. im dreading it because im so tired. i hate feeling like this. last year, i took four hour naps. this year, i sleep four hours a night. well, not really, more like 5 or 6. but i feel like im just taking naps. i dont shower as much as i used to, and i really only do laundry once every two weeks, because i just dont have the time.
I DONT WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS FOREVER. someone please tell me it gets better than this. these are supposed to be the best years of my life. but i'm not living. im routining. every day, monotonous and mundane. i get so discouraged by chemistry, its not even funny. its fourth period, so its not like it could be at a worse time. i am just so sick of coming to my car every day afterschool and either sitting there and crying or driving away angrily while blasting brand new. i just hate living like this. constantly on the run, without sleep. i need the job, i really do. its doing me good. or thats what everyone is telling me. but what if it effects my grades too much. what if i end up not getting a high enough sat score and i have to go to a local college and i'll have to live at home. then i'll still have to work, plus do college and still look after the house- i dont even want to think about this. life is coming at me, full speed for a crash landing. i dont want to be there when it crashes. bang.

i still feel like i have tape over my mouth.