i need to get a lot out. i need to be expressive. im stressed out, yet dont have a reason to be. though today i learned how shallow my whole entire family is. thats the problem with seeing them so much, i get to know them too well.
basically, im agrivated with them,.
basically, im the only one who sees the problems.
basically, im too much of an underdog to do anything about it.
my uncle still looks at me like im a little kid. just because i dont know any 1980's trivial pursuit doesnt mean im unintelligent. though my grades may say otherwise, there are things that cannot be learned from textbooks.
im going to do it. i just have that kind of mindset. its sort of an oxymoronic type of discipline, though.
I AM SO NEGATIVE. gah, can you tell im pmsing? i certainly can. these mood swings are dangerous! and i FREAKIN RAN OUT OF TAMPONS. UGH. and of course every freakin store is closed on christmas! so its not like i could have gone there and fixed my problem. ugh.
okayyeah. im depressed. it irritates the living crap out of me. i freakin hate my constant depressive state, my negative stand point. but given my positions in life, i dont know how else to view things.
i know i wasnt given this observant over analytical mind for nothing. but what am i supposed to do with it? its like a gifted curse, you know? maybe. IM EGOTISTICAL. what can i say? i find my faults in other people and then learn to despise them. so yeha, i hate myself. what to it? i think that if i ran into an exact replica of me somewhere else in the world, exact personality and everything, i wouldnt like it. like even if i tried to be friends with myself, i wouldnt enjoy it. this isnt the first time ive thought that either. when i was younger, and didnt have that many friends, i used to think what it was like to be friends with me. sometimes i thought it would be cool. then i thought it would suck, cause i used to throw temper tantrums. aha, i was deranged.
man, am i pmsing or what. seriously. i hate being a chick sometimes.
lksajasknfsdlkfnlkdsnflkanlmnasfnsfmndsfmnams.
ramble.ramble.ramble.
EXPRESETATE!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
i cant sleep
its 7:03 and i cant sleep. i think my mind went on auto-self power around 5:50, cause im still not used to the whole sleeping in thing. but really, im just thinkin about my guitar :]]]
seriously, theres so much to learn, and im so EAGER to learn! and my uncle, aka an awesomeeee musician, is in town, and he was showin me some stuff last night. he jammed out on my bad boy. hahah i want to name my guitar, cause all my friends who play have named theirs. its usually after boyssss or something like that. but idk what i should name mine. i was thinking about naming it after some character from the bible, but i havent decided. ahh idk. call me obessessed, but im a little kid with a new toy.
actually, im a little kid with LOTS of new toys. toys i totally shouldnt have. i know im spoiled in somethings, like friendship and love, but material possessions...idk, with mom's whole lack of job thing, i havent had much of anything. im totally not complaining though, because, hellooo, its been like that for a long time. i think both my parents just wanted to finally give me worthwhile things. well thats what my brother told me at least. cause i was feeling really guilty over everything.
mann am i selfcentered today!
its 7:09 and im really hungry. its weird. ive been goin to bed realllyy late, only to wake up realllyyy early. and it sucksssssssssss. cause i want sleep.
but i really like my guitar. ima try and post a pic of it...
its a silvertune, nothin fancy, which is exactly what i need.
thats spike. he was checkin it outt.
but anyways. im not any less tired, yet awake, than i was 12 minutes ago. im still excited about what can learn. i think i learned about 4 chords yesterday. kimya dawson's songs have about that many in the whole thing. so im gonna see if i can learn her songs. for the record though, incase ANYONE is curious, i've learned A, C, D, and G majorrrrr. :DDD it makes me happy to speak guitarrrrrrrr. hahahahh. okay. IM ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED, RIGHT?!
good. cause i am. cause ive waited since 8th grade to finally get one of these suckers. :DDDDD
thanks God for being so providing :]
seriously, there was no way that we could have normally afforded ANY of this, just by our wimpy incomes. oh no, some DIVINEEEE money went into these spendings.
like the day before christmas eve, my mom took my brother and i dressy clothes shopping, something we've needed since forever. btw, shes finally gettin her income back in with this new debt relief help job shes got. cause everyone's in debt, and shes the gal to get you out. its kind of nice, actually. cause its one of those government system beating programs. but anyways, so we went shopping, and i was in need of a coat, and i ended up getting this REALLY nice one. long story short, between my brother, myself, and a few christmas gifts, we rung up almost 500 dollars worth of stuff. then, the cashier scanned a coupon we had, scanned another thing behind her teller, my mom used her khols card, and waaabaaam, its five bucks over 200 dollars. but lemme tell ya, we got a BUNCH of clothes!! it was aaahhhhmazzin! its sooo crazy to see God work this..LIVE in our lives! aha if that makes sense. like hes never been so..surreal? i guess. ahh idk. im just really thankful for everything.
okay, and i know this is a really selfcentered post, and it prolly makes me sound like a rich little white chick, but IM NOT! im just thankful! i am. i dont like being spoiled! dont think bad thoughts pleassssee!
seriously, theres so much to learn, and im so EAGER to learn! and my uncle, aka an awesomeeee musician, is in town, and he was showin me some stuff last night. he jammed out on my bad boy. hahah i want to name my guitar, cause all my friends who play have named theirs. its usually after boyssss or something like that. but idk what i should name mine. i was thinking about naming it after some character from the bible, but i havent decided. ahh idk. call me obessessed, but im a little kid with a new toy.
actually, im a little kid with LOTS of new toys. toys i totally shouldnt have. i know im spoiled in somethings, like friendship and love, but material possessions...idk, with mom's whole lack of job thing, i havent had much of anything. im totally not complaining though, because, hellooo, its been like that for a long time. i think both my parents just wanted to finally give me worthwhile things. well thats what my brother told me at least. cause i was feeling really guilty over everything.
mann am i selfcentered today!
its 7:09 and im really hungry. its weird. ive been goin to bed realllyy late, only to wake up realllyyy early. and it sucksssssssssss. cause i want sleep.
but i really like my guitar. ima try and post a pic of it...
its a silvertune, nothin fancy, which is exactly what i need.
thats spike. he was checkin it outt.
but anyways. im not any less tired, yet awake, than i was 12 minutes ago. im still excited about what can learn. i think i learned about 4 chords yesterday. kimya dawson's songs have about that many in the whole thing. so im gonna see if i can learn her songs. for the record though, incase ANYONE is curious, i've learned A, C, D, and G majorrrrr. :DDD it makes me happy to speak guitarrrrrrrr. hahahahh. okay. IM ALLOWED TO BE EXCITED, RIGHT?!
good. cause i am. cause ive waited since 8th grade to finally get one of these suckers. :DDDDD
thanks God for being so providing :]
seriously, there was no way that we could have normally afforded ANY of this, just by our wimpy incomes. oh no, some DIVINEEEE money went into these spendings.
like the day before christmas eve, my mom took my brother and i dressy clothes shopping, something we've needed since forever. btw, shes finally gettin her income back in with this new debt relief help job shes got. cause everyone's in debt, and shes the gal to get you out. its kind of nice, actually. cause its one of those government system beating programs. but anyways, so we went shopping, and i was in need of a coat, and i ended up getting this REALLY nice one. long story short, between my brother, myself, and a few christmas gifts, we rung up almost 500 dollars worth of stuff. then, the cashier scanned a coupon we had, scanned another thing behind her teller, my mom used her khols card, and waaabaaam, its five bucks over 200 dollars. but lemme tell ya, we got a BUNCH of clothes!! it was aaahhhhmazzin! its sooo crazy to see God work this..LIVE in our lives! aha if that makes sense. like hes never been so..surreal? i guess. ahh idk. im just really thankful for everything.
okay, and i know this is a really selfcentered post, and it prolly makes me sound like a rich little white chick, but IM NOT! im just thankful! i am. i dont like being spoiled! dont think bad thoughts pleassssee!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
stuff is gettin better.
maybe its cause its christmas, and people are nice during the holidays. maybe because things are finally calming down. but things are just goin good now. unusual stuff is happening, and my perspective is positive. its odd, but im welcoming it.
m brother is being really nice to me. its such a change from how it used to be when we were younger. but were maturing.
seriously, weird things are happening, but im just sort of goin with them. mylifeisaverage isnt that funny to me anymore, cept the ones about harry potter. things change i guess.
i see the change in me too. like change even from last month. within the next week or so im gonna write about the changes from last year, but that wont be a happy one. this one is.
maybe im just livin in these happy moments. i know they wont last forever, but everything is just so.. right ..right now. as stephen once said "everything's happy."
m brother is being really nice to me. its such a change from how it used to be when we were younger. but were maturing.
seriously, weird things are happening, but im just sort of goin with them. mylifeisaverage isnt that funny to me anymore, cept the ones about harry potter. things change i guess.
i see the change in me too. like change even from last month. within the next week or so im gonna write about the changes from last year, but that wont be a happy one. this one is.
maybe im just livin in these happy moments. i know they wont last forever, but everything is just so.. right ..right now. as stephen once said "everything's happy."
Sunday, December 20, 2009
"Make it your ambition to lead a quite life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
1st thessalonian 4: 11-12
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6f4a3cpSow&feature=related
1st thessalonian 4: 11-12
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6f4a3cpSow&feature=related
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
some people never change.
whether the level of ignorance is bold, or whether they've noticed the change is needed,
it's still a disappointment to see the lack of adjustments.
sometimes, the change is blunt and brutal.
that it happens so fast that it's hardly witnessed.
but, the effects are never forgotten.
other times the change can easily be seen.
it may be slow and gradual, but progressing nonetheless.
change is tricky
and oh so easily conceived.
yet change within yourself might be harder accomplished.
this time, it belongs solely to you.
mind over matter, they say.
but what if you've lost your mind?
what if the wanted accomplishment is too vast for your mind to conquer?
what if the big picture is too big for your canvas?
what if youre just scared?
what if youre nervous for the furture?
frighten by what it holds.
intimidated by its consequences.
worried for how you'll accept them.
sometimes you cant see your own change coming.
whether the level of ignorance is bold, or whether they've noticed the change is needed,
it's still a disappointment to see the lack of adjustments.
sometimes, the change is blunt and brutal.
that it happens so fast that it's hardly witnessed.
but, the effects are never forgotten.
other times the change can easily be seen.
it may be slow and gradual, but progressing nonetheless.
change is tricky
and oh so easily conceived.
yet change within yourself might be harder accomplished.
this time, it belongs solely to you.
mind over matter, they say.
but what if you've lost your mind?
what if the wanted accomplishment is too vast for your mind to conquer?
what if the big picture is too big for your canvas?
what if youre just scared?
what if youre nervous for the furture?
frighten by what it holds.
intimidated by its consequences.
worried for how you'll accept them.
sometimes you cant see your own change coming.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
the aftermath of a storm.
maybe its the fact that i saw ms ramsey today. maybe i missed her sarcastic humor and witty comebacks. and learning from her, more than just math knowledge, maybe it just brought back some old memories. some old feelings.
or maybe was once again surrounded in a queens grant atmosphere. where i met up with some old friends and heard about old relationships.
or perhaps its cause i got reconnected with ash, and finally had some quality best friend time together, the kind that reminds me of a time way back, the kind where we used to sit on the driveway for hours and talk about nothing, in the deep heat of summer. that was the best.
maybe it was ash's family. they always make me happy. a perfect family of four. who sit down and have dinner every night and keep the house clean. maybe they just make me peaceful.
maybe it was youth. maybe tonight's lesson hit somewhere deep. tim's been striking home in my heart these past couple of weeks. maybe i got to see everyone tonight, and that made me very happy.
maybe it was the fact that things are falling back in place with some friends, that the damage is finally healing. that forgiving and forgiving is really possible.
maybe its the fact that i have something to look forward to. to finally get to go to the school of my dreams and see a comical play with the people i love in it.
maybe, maybe im just happy for once.
maybe the good finally outrules the bad.
im just, peaceful.
maybe its cause i listened to the fray and relient k all day. music effects my mood, thats for sure.
maybe, maybe it just feels good to be open, a little exposed, but also, not. im still protected by words. and that is comforting to me. maybe because its so simple. im really not sure. but i know im just peaceful for once.
i sort of feel like a storm:
before the storm, the wind builds, the dark clouds roll in, the dark clouds take position, ready to battle.
then you hear it. the thunder billows, the lightning strikes, attracted to the all,
destroys the most vulnerable-
but never strikes twice.
the rain pours furiously, it blinds the sight from seeing whats ahead.
the wind slaps against you, its bitter and cold.
the storm fights. it strikes and blocks and yells and screams.
its a battle between the forces.
and as quick as it came,
it leaves.
it lightens, the rain lessens, the wind dies down.
the lightning looses intensity,
the the thunder fades,
the clouds roll away.
and youre left with a beautiful scene;
the sky is decorated in multicolor hues,
the clouds reflect it all,
light streaming in from the cracks,
and eventually,
the clouds break,
the light exposed,
the sky is bright,
light shining everywhere,
a magnificent portrait of beauty.
the storm clouds are hidden between light and dark,
oh, theyre not ignored,
or forgotten,
just set aside
until its time to pour out again,
delivering a whole new round of storms.
but until then,
we wait,
bracing ourselves,
but soaking up the scene in front of us.
or maybe was once again surrounded in a queens grant atmosphere. where i met up with some old friends and heard about old relationships.
or perhaps its cause i got reconnected with ash, and finally had some quality best friend time together, the kind that reminds me of a time way back, the kind where we used to sit on the driveway for hours and talk about nothing, in the deep heat of summer. that was the best.
maybe it was ash's family. they always make me happy. a perfect family of four. who sit down and have dinner every night and keep the house clean. maybe they just make me peaceful.
maybe it was youth. maybe tonight's lesson hit somewhere deep. tim's been striking home in my heart these past couple of weeks. maybe i got to see everyone tonight, and that made me very happy.
maybe it was the fact that things are falling back in place with some friends, that the damage is finally healing. that forgiving and forgiving is really possible.
maybe its the fact that i have something to look forward to. to finally get to go to the school of my dreams and see a comical play with the people i love in it.
maybe, maybe im just happy for once.
maybe the good finally outrules the bad.
im just, peaceful.
maybe its cause i listened to the fray and relient k all day. music effects my mood, thats for sure.
maybe, maybe it just feels good to be open, a little exposed, but also, not. im still protected by words. and that is comforting to me. maybe because its so simple. im really not sure. but i know im just peaceful for once.
i sort of feel like a storm:
before the storm, the wind builds, the dark clouds roll in, the dark clouds take position, ready to battle.
then you hear it. the thunder billows, the lightning strikes, attracted to the all,
destroys the most vulnerable-
but never strikes twice.
the rain pours furiously, it blinds the sight from seeing whats ahead.
the wind slaps against you, its bitter and cold.
the storm fights. it strikes and blocks and yells and screams.
its a battle between the forces.
and as quick as it came,
it leaves.
it lightens, the rain lessens, the wind dies down.
the lightning looses intensity,
the the thunder fades,
the clouds roll away.
and youre left with a beautiful scene;
the sky is decorated in multicolor hues,
the clouds reflect it all,
light streaming in from the cracks,
and eventually,
the clouds break,
the light exposed,
the sky is bright,
light shining everywhere,
a magnificent portrait of beauty.
the storm clouds are hidden between light and dark,
oh, theyre not ignored,
or forgotten,
just set aside
until its time to pour out again,
delivering a whole new round of storms.
but until then,
we wait,
bracing ourselves,
but soaking up the scene in front of us.
Monday, December 7, 2009
oh man.
my essay sucks.
its 12:01 am and i think im going to die.
not really, but sometimes i think its better than whats to come. lets seeeee
-spend and eternity in heaven with God?
orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
-go to school an fail at everything?
im just sayin. sometimes it doesnt sound so bad.
back to my essay. i realized how off topic i am through two whole pages of the essay. shes gonna count off hard on that one. :/ ugh. i wish i could just work on it one more day. I HATE THAT I WAITED THIS LONG. this is why i hate my undisciplined self. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.
i told my mom all this and she said, "eh youre probably gonna be kickin yourself for a while about this one, arent ya?"
all i said is "something like that."
meanwhile, i think my computer has a virus. not only that but it started putting random porno icons on my computer. TALK ABOUT FRICKEN AWKWARD. so i gave up and just went back to using my moms. ugh.
i think im doing everything wrong.
i wish i could just skipp the next two weeks of my life. theyre gonna be so hard. ugh.
okay. well if you'll excuse me, im going to go print this failure of an essay and prolly go cry my eyes out now. mk?
mk.
its 12:01 am and i think im going to die.
not really, but sometimes i think its better than whats to come. lets seeeee
-spend and eternity in heaven with God?
orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
-go to school an fail at everything?
im just sayin. sometimes it doesnt sound so bad.
back to my essay. i realized how off topic i am through two whole pages of the essay. shes gonna count off hard on that one. :/ ugh. i wish i could just work on it one more day. I HATE THAT I WAITED THIS LONG. this is why i hate my undisciplined self. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.
i told my mom all this and she said, "eh youre probably gonna be kickin yourself for a while about this one, arent ya?"
all i said is "something like that."
meanwhile, i think my computer has a virus. not only that but it started putting random porno icons on my computer. TALK ABOUT FRICKEN AWKWARD. so i gave up and just went back to using my moms. ugh.
i think im doing everything wrong.
i wish i could just skipp the next two weeks of my life. theyre gonna be so hard. ugh.
okay. well if you'll excuse me, im going to go print this failure of an essay and prolly go cry my eyes out now. mk?
mk.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
by myself
what do i do to ignore them behind me?
do i follow my instincts blindly?
do i hide my pride from these bad dreams
and give into sad thoughts that are maddening?
do i sit here and try and stand it?
or do i try and catch them red handed.
do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness
or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?
because i cant hold on when im stretched so thin,
i make the right moves but im lost within.
i put on my daily facade, but then
i just end up getting hurt again
by myself.
i cant hold on
to what i want when im stretched so thin.
it's all too much to take in.
i cant hold on
to anything watching everything spin,
with thoughts of failure sinking in.
how do you think ive lost so much?
i cant tell you how to make it go.
no matter what i do, how hard i try,
i cant seem to convince myself why
im stuck on the outside.
thankyou, dear Linkin Park for these lyrics, for capturing all the right words.
do i follow my instincts blindly?
do i hide my pride from these bad dreams
and give into sad thoughts that are maddening?
do i sit here and try and stand it?
or do i try and catch them red handed.
do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness
or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness?
because i cant hold on when im stretched so thin,
i make the right moves but im lost within.
i put on my daily facade, but then
i just end up getting hurt again
by myself.
i cant hold on
to what i want when im stretched so thin.
it's all too much to take in.
i cant hold on
to anything watching everything spin,
with thoughts of failure sinking in.
how do you think ive lost so much?
i cant tell you how to make it go.
no matter what i do, how hard i try,
i cant seem to convince myself why
im stuck on the outside.
thankyou, dear Linkin Park for these lyrics, for capturing all the right words.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
brick by brick
so many things
so many things id like to say.
so many words
so many words that seem to fail.
those that cannot express
get left behind.
regret.
but not repentance.
guilt.
but not repentance.
those are the devil's feelings.
and im not going to take them on.
such words
such words you speak,
preach
teach.
how do you know
how do you know that youre children can hear you?
did you know
did you know im hard of hearing?
excuse me,
i said, excuse me, can you speak up?
i cant hear you over the world.
if they could just settle down,
calm down.
deep breath.
everything would be alright.
but everyone is screaming.
yelling.
hate rolls off their tongues like words.
those words
those words you said were pretty cool.
they made me think.
conviction.
but was it strong enough to make it stop?
i dont think so
i dont think so many people understood quite what you meant
when you said you wouldnt bring us out here to drown.
so why am i six feet under and upside down?
barely surviving
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause im so used to living underneath the surface.
if i could just see you,
everything would be alright.
all right.
enough is enough.
lets kick these cliches out
and make some progress.
the same progress
that you destroyed.
like a city
like a city whose walls are broken down
every brick, fallen
every solider, fallen.
every being, humbled.
humility.
the true breaking.
how that city fell,
straight in the heart,
right in the back.
defeated.
fallen.
broken.
all the kings
all the kings horses and all the kings men,
couldnt put him back together again.
back together.
like a fallen city,
should also be the reconstruction of a character.
brick by brick.
so many things id like to say.
so many words
so many words that seem to fail.
those that cannot express
get left behind.
regret.
but not repentance.
guilt.
but not repentance.
those are the devil's feelings.
and im not going to take them on.
such words
such words you speak,
preach
teach.
how do you know
how do you know that youre children can hear you?
did you know
did you know im hard of hearing?
excuse me,
i said, excuse me, can you speak up?
i cant hear you over the world.
if they could just settle down,
calm down.
deep breath.
everything would be alright.
but everyone is screaming.
yelling.
hate rolls off their tongues like words.
those words
those words you said were pretty cool.
they made me think.
conviction.
but was it strong enough to make it stop?
i dont think so
i dont think so many people understood quite what you meant
when you said you wouldnt bring us out here to drown.
so why am i six feet under and upside down?
barely surviving
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause im so used to living underneath the surface.
if i could just see you,
everything would be alright.
all right.
enough is enough.
lets kick these cliches out
and make some progress.
the same progress
that you destroyed.
like a city
like a city whose walls are broken down
every brick, fallen
every solider, fallen.
every being, humbled.
humility.
the true breaking.
how that city fell,
straight in the heart,
right in the back.
defeated.
fallen.
broken.
all the kings
all the kings horses and all the kings men,
couldnt put him back together again.
back together.
like a fallen city,
should also be the reconstruction of a character.
brick by brick.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
im about ready to cut my brains out.
"how does he know which ones to cut out out?"
IT DOESNT MATTER. THEY CAN ALL GO FOR ALL I CARE!
today has been one of those days,
that kind where a buttload of crap happens, and no matter what you do or how you veiw it, all you can think throughout the day is "oh crap."
like:
oh crap, i forgot to do laundry yesterday and im out of clean clothes. or, oh crap, i just cut my leg open on this stupid bleacher. or, oh crap, i just walked down the hallway with a line of blood down my leg. it probably looks like i got my freakin period. or, oh crap i just turned that test in without a name. or, oh crap, i just went through that entire 87 step problem and forgot to divide by two first. or, oh crap, i didnt mean that, but now i think i do.
i had a "discussion" with one of my oh-so-lovely "school friends" yesterday. this is basically how it went down.
-what are you doing friday night?
[let me start off saying that this friend is constantly wanting to bum at my house just so she doesnt have to be at hers, or just so she can say she has plans. in a using kind of way. i hate being used, btw. ] oh, idk yet, why?
-maybe we can hang out?? god knows tyler cant haha
eh, maybe. ash and i have been wanting to get together, idk when though. ill keep you posted.
-okey dokey
sorry we can never hang out. its just my plans arent finalized until the last minute.
- no, its cool. i just wish it wasnt this difficult.
well you could stop mocking my religious choices. then maybe i'd actually want to hang with you guys. just sayin.
-what??
-im sorry if you feel that way, but we werent mocking you
oh no, of course not. you were just laughing and making jokes about the things that are important to me. how silly of me to get those mixed up.
or you could have just not done it in the first place. you know, like cared?
-erica. obviously i didnt know it was bothering you.
obviously, you didnt care to even wonder if it was.
-we joke around all the time about everything. its not that i didnt care. its not right for you to say that.
and its right for you to joke about my choices like that in the first place?
-erica we were not talking about you. or making fun of you.
yes, yes you do. all your little jokes really bother me.
- what do i say?
everything today[stuff about how cyc must force feed us jesus juice, they saw the bracelet sydney gave me and said it was stupid. they mentioned how i always wear woodlands stuff and said that it sounds lame. they said that our youth group was stupid and that my wwjd bracelet was lame too.] all the crap you guys give me about cyc, its practically daily. im done putting up with it all.
-you could have told us sooner. and youre not exactly completely innocent either
[ i like how minuscule she made that sound..not exactly..completely. hm very strong -__- ]
tyler knows how much it bothers me, and yet he doest speak up. what difference has it really made?
-if you would tell i would stop. i try to have a good friendship with you guys, but obviously its pointless. if you cant tell me how you feel, then why bother??
as if it hasnt been written all over my face for the past month. and in case you didnt realize, this is my way of telling you.
i didnt know!!! and you cant be pissed unless you have verbally said "alyssa, what you are saying is bothering me"
i have every right to be angered by this. as a "friend" you shouldnt mock things that are important to other friends.
-okay well all i can say is sorry. but i am really fed up with all of this.
hm, wonder what thats like.
-at least i say whats bothering me and dont expect people to read minds.
at least you do.
this happened yesterday. and all day today, i dont think ive ever tried harder to avoid someone. i ended up almost being late to a class in which im usually one of the first few people present, just to not run into her. but you know what, we ended up passing in the hallway. oh crap, there she is..look away!
on another note,
something is up with my mom. i think shes depressed again. and lying to me about this "money" that shes making. shes always like "oh a check will come on this day, with this amount."
i check the mail every day. today was the first check in a long time.
regardless, shes depressive. which of course, rubs off on me. i feel...pathetic..around her. like everything is pathetic. shes lost her creativity. she doesnt try hard any more.
but what really bothers me, (i wont admit this often) is that she puts more effort into sitting in her office all day, making phone calls, then she does making dinner, or cleaning the house, or talking to me. she didnt acknowledge that i was home until 5:15 today, where she found me in her bed, asleep with the cats. (it was cold, and i was tired).
all im saying is that she worries me.
IT DOESNT MATTER. THEY CAN ALL GO FOR ALL I CARE!
today has been one of those days,
that kind where a buttload of crap happens, and no matter what you do or how you veiw it, all you can think throughout the day is "oh crap."
like:
oh crap, i forgot to do laundry yesterday and im out of clean clothes. or, oh crap, i just cut my leg open on this stupid bleacher. or, oh crap, i just walked down the hallway with a line of blood down my leg. it probably looks like i got my freakin period. or, oh crap i just turned that test in without a name. or, oh crap, i just went through that entire 87 step problem and forgot to divide by two first. or, oh crap, i didnt mean that, but now i think i do.
i had a "discussion" with one of my oh-so-lovely "school friends" yesterday. this is basically how it went down.
-what are you doing friday night?
[let me start off saying that this friend is constantly wanting to bum at my house just so she doesnt have to be at hers, or just so she can say she has plans. in a using kind of way. i hate being used, btw. ] oh, idk yet, why?
-maybe we can hang out?? god knows tyler cant haha
eh, maybe. ash and i have been wanting to get together, idk when though. ill keep you posted.
-okey dokey
sorry we can never hang out. its just my plans arent finalized until the last minute.
- no, its cool. i just wish it wasnt this difficult.
well you could stop mocking my religious choices. then maybe i'd actually want to hang with you guys. just sayin.
-what??
-im sorry if you feel that way, but we werent mocking you
oh no, of course not. you were just laughing and making jokes about the things that are important to me. how silly of me to get those mixed up.
or you could have just not done it in the first place. you know, like cared?
-erica. obviously i didnt know it was bothering you.
obviously, you didnt care to even wonder if it was.
-we joke around all the time about everything. its not that i didnt care. its not right for you to say that.
and its right for you to joke about my choices like that in the first place?
-erica we were not talking about you. or making fun of you.
yes, yes you do. all your little jokes really bother me.
- what do i say?
everything today[stuff about how cyc must force feed us jesus juice, they saw the bracelet sydney gave me and said it was stupid. they mentioned how i always wear woodlands stuff and said that it sounds lame. they said that our youth group was stupid and that my wwjd bracelet was lame too.] all the crap you guys give me about cyc, its practically daily. im done putting up with it all.
-you could have told us sooner. and youre not exactly completely innocent either
[ i like how minuscule she made that sound..not exactly..completely. hm very strong -__- ]
tyler knows how much it bothers me, and yet he doest speak up. what difference has it really made?
-if you would tell i would stop. i try to have a good friendship with you guys, but obviously its pointless. if you cant tell me how you feel, then why bother??
as if it hasnt been written all over my face for the past month. and in case you didnt realize, this is my way of telling you.
i didnt know!!! and you cant be pissed unless you have verbally said "alyssa, what you are saying is bothering me"
i have every right to be angered by this. as a "friend" you shouldnt mock things that are important to other friends.
-okay well all i can say is sorry. but i am really fed up with all of this.
hm, wonder what thats like.
-at least i say whats bothering me and dont expect people to read minds.
at least you do.
this happened yesterday. and all day today, i dont think ive ever tried harder to avoid someone. i ended up almost being late to a class in which im usually one of the first few people present, just to not run into her. but you know what, we ended up passing in the hallway. oh crap, there she is..look away!
on another note,
something is up with my mom. i think shes depressed again. and lying to me about this "money" that shes making. shes always like "oh a check will come on this day, with this amount."
i check the mail every day. today was the first check in a long time.
regardless, shes depressive. which of course, rubs off on me. i feel...pathetic..around her. like everything is pathetic. shes lost her creativity. she doesnt try hard any more.
but what really bothers me, (i wont admit this often) is that she puts more effort into sitting in her office all day, making phone calls, then she does making dinner, or cleaning the house, or talking to me. she didnt acknowledge that i was home until 5:15 today, where she found me in her bed, asleep with the cats. (it was cold, and i was tired).
all im saying is that she worries me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
okayokayokay
i think ive got this figured out.
i dont think i could have picked anyone better to tell. and i mean this. or at least i want to mean this.
its just gonna take a lot of courage and strength, that i dont have yet, to get over this.
but in the mean time, bear with me.. all i ask for is understanding..and love. love would be nice.
youre allowed to be mad, though it might just make it worse. you wont believe how much pressure im getting from just hearing you talk about this. its so unusual for me, it sort of sends me running in the opposite direction. its going to take some getting used to.
i dont think i could have picked anyone better to tell. and i mean this. or at least i want to mean this.
its just gonna take a lot of courage and strength, that i dont have yet, to get over this.
but in the mean time, bear with me.. all i ask for is understanding..and love. love would be nice.
youre allowed to be mad, though it might just make it worse. you wont believe how much pressure im getting from just hearing you talk about this. its so unusual for me, it sort of sends me running in the opposite direction. its going to take some getting used to.
Monday, November 9, 2009
the battle of one.
its still a surprise to me, too. if i let my mind wonder on it and realize the truth, what i did, it scares the living crap out of me. something ive fought to protect from you for ages..i still cant believe i did.
please dont expect immediate change. its hard.
strikeone
ive always viewed you guys and my problem as polar opposites. i dont think i was mentally there on saturday night, erm.. morning i should say. i honestly think God took over my mouth there and just... threw up words.
strike two.
i love you guys so much. i feel like ive hurt you. i know i have for sure, some of you. and im sorry. really, honestly, sorry.
strike three.
i feel like i have so much to say. but words fail to express.
ugh, its not a very metaphorical day, is it?
im out.
CONTRADICTS ARE BLISS!
please dont expect immediate change. its hard.
strikeone
ive always viewed you guys and my problem as polar opposites. i dont think i was mentally there on saturday night, erm.. morning i should say. i honestly think God took over my mouth there and just... threw up words.
strike two.
i love you guys so much. i feel like ive hurt you. i know i have for sure, some of you. and im sorry. really, honestly, sorry.
strike three.
i feel like i have so much to say. but words fail to express.
ugh, its not a very metaphorical day, is it?
im out.
CONTRADICTS ARE BLISS!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
the world is too small.
everyone knows everyone.
we recently got new seats in biology. i sit next to two jessicas and an alexe [girl.] at the end of the day, i was all hyped up about mysterygoogle and what not in the lab, and we all got on the topic of schools or something. i brought up queens grant, mkay? and so alexe is like "oh do you know catlyn such and such" and im like yeah i do, why are you on her softball team? and shes like "oh i was, but yeah.'' and of course, i always ask "oh, so do you know hunter hopkins?" and she said yes. it was more like "yeah shes alright. she was fun to be around sometimes, but most of the times shes was..ehh idk, really depressed." i was so confused. she had worded it like she still knew her and i was like.. but i dont think shes like that anymore. i asked "what? when was the last time you talked to her?" and she said "oh this was like more than 6 months ago. i would ask her how her day was and she'd be like 'oh it sucked' or something like that.''
this didnt surprise me. hunter had her days and, at the time, hated going to practice.
but i was just so taken aback at this. more than six months ago. so like, january? february? that was right when we stopped being friends. her next statement hit me.
i asked "oh...well have you seen her recently? is she still like that?"
"eh not really, i havent seen her much, but shes apparently all Godly and what now."
me:"oh thats good"
her" yeah i guess, i dont see her that much, but still."
and then we changed the topic.
it just bothers me. apparently, i was this huge burden for her. apparently, she just changed as soon as we stopped being friends. apparently, i wasnt good enough for her.
i know its been forever, but no one gets how much this whole thing has effected me. this sounds weird, but i dont go a day without thinking about it. i mean, i just dont. when you loose the best friend of your life, you just dont forget those things. those emotions just dont disappear, no matter how much prozac your on.
ha, i dont really take prozac, but i used to wish i did.
ahh, i dont know. it just bothers me. i dont know how else to explain this. it was just so..weird. such an odd coincidence. i feel like everywhere i go, someone knows her.
and what really sucks is there this girl named savannah who looks a lot like her. she acts a lot like her too, like disposition wise. its just hard to get over this when being constantly reminded.
ugh, now i feel like such a creeper. but please understand that that isnt the case. its just, idk, as creepy as this does sound, i do care about her. im allowed to to that right? i should be able to. but sometimes, i hate her, but not really. i just get really mad for what she did. sometimes i envy her for her faith in God. and sometimes, i just miss her.
is it really bad that i have all these conflicting emotions for someone im not even friends with anymore?
we recently got new seats in biology. i sit next to two jessicas and an alexe [girl.] at the end of the day, i was all hyped up about mysterygoogle and what not in the lab, and we all got on the topic of schools or something. i brought up queens grant, mkay? and so alexe is like "oh do you know catlyn such and such" and im like yeah i do, why are you on her softball team? and shes like "oh i was, but yeah.'' and of course, i always ask "oh, so do you know hunter hopkins?" and she said yes. it was more like "yeah shes alright. she was fun to be around sometimes, but most of the times shes was..ehh idk, really depressed." i was so confused. she had worded it like she still knew her and i was like.. but i dont think shes like that anymore. i asked "what? when was the last time you talked to her?" and she said "oh this was like more than 6 months ago. i would ask her how her day was and she'd be like 'oh it sucked' or something like that.''
this didnt surprise me. hunter had her days and, at the time, hated going to practice.
but i was just so taken aback at this. more than six months ago. so like, january? february? that was right when we stopped being friends. her next statement hit me.
i asked "oh...well have you seen her recently? is she still like that?"
"eh not really, i havent seen her much, but shes apparently all Godly and what now."
me:"oh thats good"
her" yeah i guess, i dont see her that much, but still."
and then we changed the topic.
it just bothers me. apparently, i was this huge burden for her. apparently, she just changed as soon as we stopped being friends. apparently, i wasnt good enough for her.
i know its been forever, but no one gets how much this whole thing has effected me. this sounds weird, but i dont go a day without thinking about it. i mean, i just dont. when you loose the best friend of your life, you just dont forget those things. those emotions just dont disappear, no matter how much prozac your on.
ha, i dont really take prozac, but i used to wish i did.
ahh, i dont know. it just bothers me. i dont know how else to explain this. it was just so..weird. such an odd coincidence. i feel like everywhere i go, someone knows her.
and what really sucks is there this girl named savannah who looks a lot like her. she acts a lot like her too, like disposition wise. its just hard to get over this when being constantly reminded.
ugh, now i feel like such a creeper. but please understand that that isnt the case. its just, idk, as creepy as this does sound, i do care about her. im allowed to to that right? i should be able to. but sometimes, i hate her, but not really. i just get really mad for what she did. sometimes i envy her for her faith in God. and sometimes, i just miss her.
is it really bad that i have all these conflicting emotions for someone im not even friends with anymore?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
so i had this dream
i was in a house.
i think it was like a very large fraternity house or whatever its called.
anyways. a bunch of random people lived there. with me.
and we all had to attended this anonymous meeting for some habit. like counseling. at one point, a female counselor, rather than the typical male, came in and said she needed to run some tests on us. the whole thing looked like a dental office; we lied down in a dental chair and they poked around in our mouths and tried talking to us with all this junk in our mouths. a big pet peeve of mine. but then suddenly, the scene was switched and the woman said im timing you. run when you hear the buzzer. i was suddenly back into the frat house and i had to like get to the top of the house or something. [it was a large house, several stories.] when the buzzer went off i panicked. i didnt know my way around, and suddenly, the floors were filling with this dark green..goo. it was so gross. i think i depicted it as vomit, but i dont remember what it was. but suddenly, i was running for something, trying to make my way through this green crap. but it was like i was saving someone. and every time i ended up drowning in it. the woman would sigh, and run the simulation over again. once though, i got real close, but i was already up to my neck in this goo, and i ended up kicking myself through a window. i landed on the ground, somehow unharmed. but the scene had changed. i was on a large street corner, but it had a field of grass around it. there was a telephone pole on the corner, where a girl was standing. everyone was yelling and gasping, and talking. some time had passed, but the next thing i knew, the girl had either jumped or fallen from the very tall post. when she fell, i recognized her as a girl from my basketball class. for some reason, this really scared me. all of her friends were there, and they were just gasping at the site of her crumpled body. she had fallen into a ditch and her arm was disconnected from her body. no one was helping her, and so i did. when i reached her, she was so tiny, like a real person, only maybe i had the larger hand here. regardless, i picked her up and she felt heavy, but limp. it was scary.
i think it was like a very large fraternity house or whatever its called.
anyways. a bunch of random people lived there. with me.
and we all had to attended this anonymous meeting for some habit. like counseling. at one point, a female counselor, rather than the typical male, came in and said she needed to run some tests on us. the whole thing looked like a dental office; we lied down in a dental chair and they poked around in our mouths and tried talking to us with all this junk in our mouths. a big pet peeve of mine. but then suddenly, the scene was switched and the woman said im timing you. run when you hear the buzzer. i was suddenly back into the frat house and i had to like get to the top of the house or something. [it was a large house, several stories.] when the buzzer went off i panicked. i didnt know my way around, and suddenly, the floors were filling with this dark green..goo. it was so gross. i think i depicted it as vomit, but i dont remember what it was. but suddenly, i was running for something, trying to make my way through this green crap. but it was like i was saving someone. and every time i ended up drowning in it. the woman would sigh, and run the simulation over again. once though, i got real close, but i was already up to my neck in this goo, and i ended up kicking myself through a window. i landed on the ground, somehow unharmed. but the scene had changed. i was on a large street corner, but it had a field of grass around it. there was a telephone pole on the corner, where a girl was standing. everyone was yelling and gasping, and talking. some time had passed, but the next thing i knew, the girl had either jumped or fallen from the very tall post. when she fell, i recognized her as a girl from my basketball class. for some reason, this really scared me. all of her friends were there, and they were just gasping at the site of her crumpled body. she had fallen into a ditch and her arm was disconnected from her body. no one was helping her, and so i did. when i reached her, she was so tiny, like a real person, only maybe i had the larger hand here. regardless, i picked her up and she felt heavy, but limp. it was scary.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
im just gonna be straight here,
i know its nearly been 48 hours, but its been tough.
i want to take back everything ive said. i want to words to be forgotten, but not their meanings.
it kills me that this is how our situtation lies. friendship shouldnt be like this.
i want to say sorry, and i want to forgive, but it just doesnt seem right.
i wonder if God forgives even before you repent. does he forgive you right after you sin? i dont think so...im not sure.
but from living from that knowledge, i dont think i can forgive. not just yet.
i sort of wonder if you even know what im talking about. if you even get why i think a repentance is in order. i wonder if you even know how badly it bothers me.
i want to take back everything ive said. i want to words to be forgotten, but not their meanings.
it kills me that this is how our situtation lies. friendship shouldnt be like this.
i want to say sorry, and i want to forgive, but it just doesnt seem right.
i wonder if God forgives even before you repent. does he forgive you right after you sin? i dont think so...im not sure.
but from living from that knowledge, i dont think i can forgive. not just yet.
i sort of wonder if you even know what im talking about. if you even get why i think a repentance is in order. i wonder if you even know how badly it bothers me.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
*insert catchy title here*
so it's been awhile. every time i try and write something on here, i end up writing these intense metaphors that only i get and then i feel stupid and write about that.
isnt that called poetry?
hahaha anywaysss,
life is kind of goin by right now. only half conscious of what im doing, just kinda wingin it.
school is rough, and i guess it always will be. i just wish it was over. highschool at least. i cant wait to go to college. i wish i could just skip the next two and a half years of my life.
i dont like where i am though, im sort of lost. like i feel like ive been standing on this path for awhile, and i was distracted by something, and i strayed off. and i now i want back on, but my mind was so set on this distraction, that i couldnt remember what i was doing or how i did it in the first place.
im kind of ready to move on.
isnt that called poetry?
hahaha anywaysss,
life is kind of goin by right now. only half conscious of what im doing, just kinda wingin it.
school is rough, and i guess it always will be. i just wish it was over. highschool at least. i cant wait to go to college. i wish i could just skip the next two and a half years of my life.
i dont like where i am though, im sort of lost. like i feel like ive been standing on this path for awhile, and i was distracted by something, and i strayed off. and i now i want back on, but my mind was so set on this distraction, that i couldnt remember what i was doing or how i did it in the first place.
im kind of ready to move on.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
RELIENT K RELIENT K RELIENT K RELIENT KKKKK
RELIENT K IS THE BEST BAND IN THE FREAKIN WORLD. I LOVE RELIENT K SO MUCH.
LAST NIGHT WAS THE
ABSOLUTE,
JAW-DROPPING,
MAKE YOUR HEART SKIP 3492384 BEATS,
SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS-
MOST
INCREDIBLE,
MOST
AMAZING,
BEST MUSIC OF YOUR FLIPPIN LIFE,
AWESOME.
they played
be my escape
high of 75
which to bury, us or the hatchet
let it all out- WHICH WAS SO AMAZING. the guy from copeland [the lead singer] was the other vocalist in it. IT SOUNDED PERFECT.
who i am hates who ive been
MOOD RINGS. HOLY COW. THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO SING. TO SEE THEM PLAY, TO HEAR EVERYONE ELSE SCREAMING ALONG. IT WAS SO AMAZING.
falling out
devestation and reform
bite my tounge..i think
must have done something right [[cc's favorite]] - we got them to come back on stage and play it. :D
they played a bunch of their new stuff from forget and not slow down, and they also played like four songs from the birds and the beesides, but i didnt know those too well, ha.
but seriously, to hear them play... to hear my favorite songs in person, to see the original composers play.. the emotion given off is so indescribable..it was a new, genuine happy, the kind i can only get from this uhmazing band. and God, you could definitively tell that he was there during this. the crowd was full of nice people, like there was this mini mash pit, like it wasnt fighting, just like a bunch of people jumping around and actin crazy, but excitement lead their motives.
while we were in line to buy stuff, this guy came over and talked to us about how the bible talks about different kinds of worship and how much he loves relient k and we mentioned how thier lyrics have double meaning, and we all agreed it was so cool, and how when they sing about God's love, its the real deal, ah hah. he was cool, but cc was freakin out cause he was older than 21. haha idk
my camera died half way through and i screamed out in the middle of a song "NOOOOOOOOO!" i was devestated. so i hate to suffice with my phone's camera and take pics and video with that. then i had to switch to recorded audio, so maybe i can do something with that, like make it into one big video. the audio isnt fantastic, but you know.
the whole theme was "three hour tour" and after a couple of songs, they started playing the gilligan's island theme song, and i got it cause they had like an ss minnow life ring, and some bamboo, and some steel drums and so they played like the little mermaid, under the sea, song, and they have random intervals of transition where they did like the office theme song with some lyrics, or the subway song, with the whole "sub way- EAT FRESH" deal, that was hilarious.
ahhh, i cant believe i finally saw relient k in concert. it was better than i imagined.
THANKYOU GOD FOR GIVING THEM EXCELLENT TALENTS :DDDD
LAST NIGHT WAS THE
ABSOLUTE,
JAW-DROPPING,
MAKE YOUR HEART SKIP 3492384 BEATS,
SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS-
MOST
INCREDIBLE,
MOST
AMAZING,
BEST MUSIC OF YOUR FLIPPIN LIFE,
AWESOME.
they played
be my escape
high of 75
which to bury, us or the hatchet
let it all out- WHICH WAS SO AMAZING. the guy from copeland [the lead singer] was the other vocalist in it. IT SOUNDED PERFECT.
who i am hates who ive been
MOOD RINGS. HOLY COW. THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO SING. TO SEE THEM PLAY, TO HEAR EVERYONE ELSE SCREAMING ALONG. IT WAS SO AMAZING.
falling out
devestation and reform
bite my tounge..i think
must have done something right [[cc's favorite]] - we got them to come back on stage and play it. :D
they played a bunch of their new stuff from forget and not slow down, and they also played like four songs from the birds and the beesides, but i didnt know those too well, ha.
but seriously, to hear them play... to hear my favorite songs in person, to see the original composers play.. the emotion given off is so indescribable..it was a new, genuine happy, the kind i can only get from this uhmazing band. and God, you could definitively tell that he was there during this. the crowd was full of nice people, like there was this mini mash pit, like it wasnt fighting, just like a bunch of people jumping around and actin crazy, but excitement lead their motives.
while we were in line to buy stuff, this guy came over and talked to us about how the bible talks about different kinds of worship and how much he loves relient k and we mentioned how thier lyrics have double meaning, and we all agreed it was so cool, and how when they sing about God's love, its the real deal, ah hah. he was cool, but cc was freakin out cause he was older than 21. haha idk
my camera died half way through and i screamed out in the middle of a song "NOOOOOOOOO!" i was devestated. so i hate to suffice with my phone's camera and take pics and video with that. then i had to switch to recorded audio, so maybe i can do something with that, like make it into one big video. the audio isnt fantastic, but you know.
the whole theme was "three hour tour" and after a couple of songs, they started playing the gilligan's island theme song, and i got it cause they had like an ss minnow life ring, and some bamboo, and some steel drums and so they played like the little mermaid, under the sea, song, and they have random intervals of transition where they did like the office theme song with some lyrics, or the subway song, with the whole "sub way- EAT FRESH" deal, that was hilarious.
ahhh, i cant believe i finally saw relient k in concert. it was better than i imagined.
THANKYOU GOD FOR GIVING THEM EXCELLENT TALENTS :DDDD
Thursday, October 8, 2009
sixt fifty two pee emm
im so tired i could sleep forever.
and consequensally enough today is one of those major homework days. honestly though, i havent had that many, typically the hw levels arent bad, its just its adding up. :/
im so tired i could sleep through next week.
and im having difficulty telling my dreams apart from reality.
like i keep forgetting what was said in real life and in my dream. its weird.
im considering staying home tomorrow. not really, then ill fall really behind in bio.
whatever.
it took me four times to correctly hit the period [ . ] button.
and consequensally enough today is one of those major homework days. honestly though, i havent had that many, typically the hw levels arent bad, its just its adding up. :/
im so tired i could sleep through next week.
and im having difficulty telling my dreams apart from reality.
like i keep forgetting what was said in real life and in my dream. its weird.
im considering staying home tomorrow. not really, then ill fall really behind in bio.
whatever.
it took me four times to correctly hit the period [ . ] button.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
just forget it, forget and forget. forget forget forget forget forget.
FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.
FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.
FORGET IT.
seriously, FORGET IT;
and let it be forgotten.
FORGET IT. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.
FORGET IT.
seriously, FORGET IT;
and let it be forgotten.
Monday, October 5, 2009
the ride up
rollercoasters; i either love them or hate them, but i typically hate them first. its the initial climb up the giant hill that gets me, the anticipation and anxiousness combined while sitting there waiting to come up and over,
and then eventually fall.
the fall is always scary as crap, i clutch on to anything for dear life, and then when the coaster hits the fellow swoop that brings you back up, my stomach reaches the rest of my body and i realize im okay and the cart isnt going to break either.
but i have to live it first, i have to test the water before jumping in.
lets say theres two coasters, coaster one is in a nicely lit area, doesnt look too tipsy tourney, goes upside down a few times, it looks a little fun actually. its steel, its stable and sturdy; you like it. its familiar and comforting. it goes fast, but its not scary. the slower parts are calm but enjoyable. its your friend's favorite coaster too.
coaster two looks familiar, but the differences are clear; its aged and damaged, its had too much time. some twists and turns look skeptical, and there are some killer drops. from what you can tell, all of the coaster is there, but part of it is blocked off by the first coaster. there are certain spots that look like they are about to break any moment. and you see that some tracks have been replaced, so its more smooth in certain areas, but those areas are followed by some of the worse looking tracks. the carts are an attractive color, and its got a catchy name. youre oddly attracted to it, yearning for the daring experience, a chance to be brave. but you also want to ride it for your own curiosity, despite the epic and notable faults.
which would you choose?
would you stick with something plain and simple, familiar,
or would you try something drastically daring and risky, unknowing if you'd come out okay?
and then eventually fall.
the fall is always scary as crap, i clutch on to anything for dear life, and then when the coaster hits the fellow swoop that brings you back up, my stomach reaches the rest of my body and i realize im okay and the cart isnt going to break either.
but i have to live it first, i have to test the water before jumping in.
lets say theres two coasters, coaster one is in a nicely lit area, doesnt look too tipsy tourney, goes upside down a few times, it looks a little fun actually. its steel, its stable and sturdy; you like it. its familiar and comforting. it goes fast, but its not scary. the slower parts are calm but enjoyable. its your friend's favorite coaster too.
coaster two looks familiar, but the differences are clear; its aged and damaged, its had too much time. some twists and turns look skeptical, and there are some killer drops. from what you can tell, all of the coaster is there, but part of it is blocked off by the first coaster. there are certain spots that look like they are about to break any moment. and you see that some tracks have been replaced, so its more smooth in certain areas, but those areas are followed by some of the worse looking tracks. the carts are an attractive color, and its got a catchy name. youre oddly attracted to it, yearning for the daring experience, a chance to be brave. but you also want to ride it for your own curiosity, despite the epic and notable faults.
which would you choose?
would you stick with something plain and simple, familiar,
or would you try something drastically daring and risky, unknowing if you'd come out okay?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
SERIOUSLY GUYS
it wasnt even a big deal.
why are we letting something SO SMALL break EVERYONE UP?
this.is.so.dumb.
AND I WILL PUT A PERIOD AFTER EVERY WORD FOR ADDED EMPHASIS.
got a problem with it?
THEN DONT READ MY FREAKIN BLOG.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
game night was fun.
and guess what.
NO ONE WAS THERE.
minus rob, JARED, his friend, and justin.
i hate how screwed up everything is.
why are we letting something SO SMALL break EVERYONE UP?
this.is.so.dumb.
AND I WILL PUT A PERIOD AFTER EVERY WORD FOR ADDED EMPHASIS.
got a problem with it?
THEN DONT READ MY FREAKIN BLOG.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
game night was fun.
and guess what.
NO ONE WAS THERE.
minus rob, JARED, his friend, and justin.
i hate how screwed up everything is.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
suckageeee
i think there was a huge misunderstanding tonight.
what was supposed to be a study session appeared as something else.
i love you guys. it wasnt that voluntary, rides were just needed and given.
i hate leaving people out.
its all math's fault.
what was supposed to be a study session appeared as something else.
i love you guys. it wasnt that voluntary, rides were just needed and given.
i hate leaving people out.
its all math's fault.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
doesnt take a genius to figure this one out
twenty four oceans
twenty four skies
twenty four failures
and twenty four tries.
twenty four finds me in twenty fourth place
with twenty four drop-outs at the end of the day.
life is not what i thought it was twenty four hours ago.
still, im singing "spirit take me up in arms with you"
and im not who i thought i was, twenty four hours ago.
still im singing "spirit, take me up in arms with you."
theres twenty four reasons to admit that im wrong
with all of my excuses, im still twenty four strong.
see...im not copping out, when youre raising the dead in me
i am the second man now.
and youre raising these twenty four voices with twenty four hearts.
with all of my symphonies in twenty four parts.
but i want to be one today, centered and true,
so im singin "spirit take me up in arms with you"
youre rasing the dead in me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
RELIENT IS THE BEST.
I LOVE RELIENT KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
:]
:]
Thursday, September 24, 2009
it makes me laugh
when stupid people do shallow things. but they try to be indiscreet about it, and it turns out being obvious as poo.
has anyone noticed those white tiny tiny puffball flying insects??? theyre so creepy and theres about a million of them flying in my yard.
uhm so i got in this fight with my mom last night. no need for details, but it makes me laugh when she tries to be my best friend the next day.
"oh i made you lunch"
"hey lets go watch a movie"
"you wanna help me make dinner?"
uhm lady, about 19 hours ago you were screaming your guts off at me. go talk to your stupid clients.
has anyone noticed those white tiny tiny puffball flying insects??? theyre so creepy and theres about a million of them flying in my yard.
uhm so i got in this fight with my mom last night. no need for details, but it makes me laugh when she tries to be my best friend the next day.
"oh i made you lunch"
"hey lets go watch a movie"
"you wanna help me make dinner?"
uhm lady, about 19 hours ago you were screaming your guts off at me. go talk to your stupid clients.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
CUTE ADORABLE KITTEN
oh my gosh. so my dad was taking me back home from his house and we stopped to get some gas. as he's filling it up, i heard a squeakish meow coming from the car. i heard it like 3 times and was convinced it was a cat. mkay so i start opening the glovebox, banging on the dashboard, looking for this dang cat. i jump out of the car and pop to hood and start looking around for it in there. my dad had the idea to back the car under the light and look, and when he started the car, the cat ran out from under it!!
it was a little back kitten! no more than 2 months old.. i dont know, prolly way less. who knowss.
IT WAS SO CUTE.
i caught it and we eventually went back home while i had the poor little thing under my jacket. it was so scared, i felt so bad for it. and it kept meowing. BUT IT WAS SO CUTE!
so bev wanted to kind of keep it, but we have no moneys so we took it outside and grabbed a flash light and looked around in the bushes right next to my house.
my dad knew that there were some critters living there but we didnt know cats did. so i put down the little thing, which is actually a girl, and she walked around a little. meowed, but frankly, looked lost. so i picked her back up and took her inside and took pictures of her. we were gonna name it, but we would have gottened attatched. but my dad was like lets name it lucky, and i said how about grace, and bev said PT cause she came out from the pt cruiser.
by then it was getting late, so we took her deeper into the shrubbery and set her down. this time she was more cautious. she wandered into one bush, then meowed like crazy and this other cat, also black comes up. my dad didnt see it, but i told him about it. so i guess they found eachother. it was really sad, but sweet at the same time. there was much holding and petting and kissing before i let the little tyke go. i wanted her so badly. she was sooo preciousss. here are some pictures. they arent in the best quality, but theyre so cute. she was really little. i mean she could fit into the palm of my hand, but not very well, lol.
<-this one was supposed to be for porportion, thats like a 15x17 picture frame so... 
SHE WAS SO CUTE!Saturday, September 19, 2009
19.
loose lips might sink ships
but loose gooses take trips to sanfransico.
d o u b l e d u t c h d i s c o .
tech-tv hottie.
do it for scotty.
do it for the living.
and do it for the dead.
do it for the MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BED.
do it for the teenagers,
and do it for your mom
broken hearts hurt, but they make us strong.
and WE WONT STOP ..until somebody calls the cops
and even then
we'll start again
and just pretend that nothing ever happened.
WE WONT STOP
..until somebody calls the cops.
but even then,
we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened.
were just dancing...
were just hugging...
singin
screamin
kissin
tuggin on the the sleeve of how it used to be
hows it gonna be?
ill DROP KICK russell stover-
move into the starting-over house
and know matt rouse and jest are watching me achieve my dreams
and we'll pray all dang day, every day,
that all this crap our president has got us in will go away.
and we'll strive to figure out a way we can survive these trying times
WITHOUT loosing our minds.
so if you want to burn yourself, remember that
I LOVE YOU.
and if you want to cut yourself, remember that
I LOVE YOU.
and if you want to kill yourself, remember that,
I LOVE YOU.
call me up before youre dead-
we can make some plans instead,
send me an IM,
ill be your friend.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
17.
you know when you have something really important to say and so you wave you hand anxiously in the air while the teacher directly looks at you and still refuses to call on you, and then when you finally get to say it, you forget about it, and youre sitting there racking your brain until it hurts just to remember, and then when you finally remember you realize that it wasnt even that big of a deal, and then youre even a little ashamed for acting like an idiot, and you try to discard the thought all together and hope that no one saw you? thats basically me right now. only im not in a class room, and im not surrounded by other students and were not talking about the epic of gilgamesh or glucose or factoring. im just sitting here in an empty house, with two cats, a cell phone, and God.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
FINISHED MY FREAKIN ESSAY!
holy moley this took forever. thank you GOD for telling me what to write, cause i didnt know.
yeah im about to post it on here. im darn proud of this sucker. and besides, i mention 'my youth group' once, hahaha.
Mark Twain said it right when he said “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Any member of a community or society has a duty to perform for the well being of the area. Whether a society is considered to be a school, or in a neighborhood, or just in a general vicinity, everyone has a social part to play. To be responsible in terms fitting a member of society means to respect your environment, to give back to your community, and to not abuse the power of freedom.
Your environment isn’t just the surrounding nature, it’s the people too. To be environmentally responsible doesn’t just mean to be “eco-friendly,” but to also have respect for those around you. This includes cleaning up for yourself, and being considerate towards others. Take a walk down the street and pay attention to the ground, it’s littered in cigarette butts and blackened gum; at nearly every stop light a similar sight can be seen. Out side of stores and in parking lots, the pattern continues. Seeing the little, round, black spots decorating the sidewalk is unappealing to everyone and personally encourages me not to even walk there. A responsible and respectful member to the community would never consider polluting any common place like this.
A major role of a responsible citizen is giving back. It doesn’t matter if it’s contributing to your particular society or even that of another country’s. Every community needs some kind of help; the only action necessary consists of selecting a role. For me, my youth group and I went on a mission’s trip to West Virginia last year and worked on two homes together. We repaired and painted several things both inside and out of the house, preformed yard work, and improved their overall community. We finished over the course of a week and the homes looked immensely better. The owners of both homes were truly enlightened by our efforts, and the surrounding community was grateful too. Performing community service is one of the most beneficial parts of being a member of society.
One of the harder areas of being a responsible community member is not abusing the power of freedom. Living in the United States comes with many opportunities to express one’s opinions, feelings, and basically anything one wishes. An anonymous author once said that “freedom doesn’t mean you can do anything you want, but that you must be responsible for your freedom.” As a responsible person however, learning to control the power of rights is vital. Rules and normality are what holds a community together, if they are disrupted, the whole community is affected. Likewise, if the rules are broken, be prepared and accountable to accept consequences. Controlling one’s freedom is an important factor to being a responsible member of a community
Responsibility, as it relates to being a member of society, consists of attributes that have effects towards the entire community. These include respect, consideration towards others, a willingness to help, and being competent to abide to rules. A member of society will achieve responsibility by acting upon these characteristics.
yeah im about to post it on here. im darn proud of this sucker. and besides, i mention 'my youth group' once, hahaha.
Mark Twain said it right when he said “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Any member of a community or society has a duty to perform for the well being of the area. Whether a society is considered to be a school, or in a neighborhood, or just in a general vicinity, everyone has a social part to play. To be responsible in terms fitting a member of society means to respect your environment, to give back to your community, and to not abuse the power of freedom.
Your environment isn’t just the surrounding nature, it’s the people too. To be environmentally responsible doesn’t just mean to be “eco-friendly,” but to also have respect for those around you. This includes cleaning up for yourself, and being considerate towards others. Take a walk down the street and pay attention to the ground, it’s littered in cigarette butts and blackened gum; at nearly every stop light a similar sight can be seen. Out side of stores and in parking lots, the pattern continues. Seeing the little, round, black spots decorating the sidewalk is unappealing to everyone and personally encourages me not to even walk there. A responsible and respectful member to the community would never consider polluting any common place like this.
A major role of a responsible citizen is giving back. It doesn’t matter if it’s contributing to your particular society or even that of another country’s. Every community needs some kind of help; the only action necessary consists of selecting a role. For me, my youth group and I went on a mission’s trip to West Virginia last year and worked on two homes together. We repaired and painted several things both inside and out of the house, preformed yard work, and improved their overall community. We finished over the course of a week and the homes looked immensely better. The owners of both homes were truly enlightened by our efforts, and the surrounding community was grateful too. Performing community service is one of the most beneficial parts of being a member of society.
One of the harder areas of being a responsible community member is not abusing the power of freedom. Living in the United States comes with many opportunities to express one’s opinions, feelings, and basically anything one wishes. An anonymous author once said that “freedom doesn’t mean you can do anything you want, but that you must be responsible for your freedom.” As a responsible person however, learning to control the power of rights is vital. Rules and normality are what holds a community together, if they are disrupted, the whole community is affected. Likewise, if the rules are broken, be prepared and accountable to accept consequences. Controlling one’s freedom is an important factor to being a responsible member of a community
Responsibility, as it relates to being a member of society, consists of attributes that have effects towards the entire community. These include respect, consideration towards others, a willingness to help, and being competent to abide to rules. A member of society will achieve responsibility by acting upon these characteristics.
Monday, September 14, 2009
dont read this if you dont want to hear me complain
i told you not to read this, because for the next several paragraphs, i will be complaining, A LOT. so seriously, if you hate it when people do this, TOO BAD.
today sucked, to say the least. im tired of highschool sucking. why cant i ever enjoy it? i was so tired and groggy when i woke up today, and cold, for some reason. i grabbed my freshly warmed pj pants out of the dryer and headed out the door. the bus seemed later than usual, and i was out the whole bus ride. i almost didnt wake up when it was time to get off the bus. i had awful cramps last night and they continued this morning. my hair was gross and it got even worse after gym. speaking of which, the gym is so dang hot. and gross. and sticky. and the locker room is WORSE. its HUMID. and SICK. NASTY. and it smells. oh and then during basket ball like three guys all jumped for the ball and landed on me, and i fell back and my shoulder blade on the wheel to a volley ball net pole. and later on, this jerk jeremy like punched me in the arm making me drop the ball. it almost made me cry it hurt so badly. and it left a bruise. =(
during math i failed a quiz, correct the teacher twice, and almost fell asleep.
english is so discouraging. like seriously, i would "go happy" in that class if i could. stephen knows what i mean. the people are so judgemental, and the teacher is so narrowminded. i hate how i sit complete opposite from the door in that room, because when i enter, i have to cross the whole dang class, attracting stares, until i sit down and take out my books. ms blue is making english a dreaded subject for me. i had everything so planned out nicely with my essay and shes making me rewrite it because it doesnt "follow her suggestions." im like, lady, there ARE other ways of writing. she doesnt understand a single word i say and so it makes me so unsure of myself when im asked to repeat myself several times. its like each time i try and simple it up for her, and then she accuses me of not "elaborating."
shes gonna make me hate that word with a passion when im older, so that when i hear it, i just automatically cringe. its already taking effect.
biology was boring. i got my new teacher, ms day, and shes boring, definitively not who i thought she was. but shes trying, and thats all that matters.
but towards the end of the class, i sort of got into a religious argument with the girl in front of me. she said something about elevation and i coughed *cough theyareinitforthemoney cough* thing. and she was all offended and shes like, no im trying to be a good little church girl. and im like, a what? and shes like, 'yeah, i have to be for my parents!' and im like, are you a christian, and shes like yeah, and i said, im a christian, and i frankly find "good little church girl" quite offending. and shes like, well thats what im trying to be, and im sitting here thinking, no, you should try to be like jesus.
"good little church girl" is an insult to most christians. it made me upset. so i went to stand up to throw something away, and when i came back i sat down with like one leg in my chair, kind of funny, but i ripped my pj pants. not bad or anywhere embarrissing, it was just on the top part, like it got caught on a bolt on the chair and ripped =[
so then i get home, and its hot my house, its hot outside, the heat is so inescapable. then for some reason, my mom tries and "bond" with me and shes trying to talk to me about this sermon she heard, which i dont mind, its just she takes on this whole other..person when she does. like every time i try and talk about God, her voice gets softer and she talks slower, and she looks at me differently. like.. its like that awkward voice you hear when your getting the birds and the bee's talk. like it just makes you uncomfortable no matter what we were talking about. it makes me irritated though.
and i really dont want to do this esssay thats due on wednesday. the prompt is a definition of a responsible person as it relates to society. what the heck does that mean?? recycle? dont break laws? be nice to other people??
i tried to write it with a school society, but its the idea shes shooting down. so now i get to conform to the rest of the class and write about the same crap as everyone else!
the question is though, what?
i really dont get it. how does recycling make you a responsible person? it doesnt. it makes you eco-friendly.
when she read over my origional, she said that i was focusing too much on one person, on the reader. and im like, well does one person not effect the whole crowd? she said my thesis was all wrong even though i practically copied the examples, only changed the major parts. i just dont get it. im considering just taking a zero for this grade and doing really well on everything else. but idk how that will work out.
now im thinking ill just stick with my ideas and just take the grade i get from that. i honestly dont care anymore.
today just sucked.
all i want to do is sleep.
today sucked, to say the least. im tired of highschool sucking. why cant i ever enjoy it? i was so tired and groggy when i woke up today, and cold, for some reason. i grabbed my freshly warmed pj pants out of the dryer and headed out the door. the bus seemed later than usual, and i was out the whole bus ride. i almost didnt wake up when it was time to get off the bus. i had awful cramps last night and they continued this morning. my hair was gross and it got even worse after gym. speaking of which, the gym is so dang hot. and gross. and sticky. and the locker room is WORSE. its HUMID. and SICK. NASTY. and it smells. oh and then during basket ball like three guys all jumped for the ball and landed on me, and i fell back and my shoulder blade on the wheel to a volley ball net pole. and later on, this jerk jeremy like punched me in the arm making me drop the ball. it almost made me cry it hurt so badly. and it left a bruise. =(
during math i failed a quiz, correct the teacher twice, and almost fell asleep.
english is so discouraging. like seriously, i would "go happy" in that class if i could. stephen knows what i mean. the people are so judgemental, and the teacher is so narrowminded. i hate how i sit complete opposite from the door in that room, because when i enter, i have to cross the whole dang class, attracting stares, until i sit down and take out my books. ms blue is making english a dreaded subject for me. i had everything so planned out nicely with my essay and shes making me rewrite it because it doesnt "follow her suggestions." im like, lady, there ARE other ways of writing. she doesnt understand a single word i say and so it makes me so unsure of myself when im asked to repeat myself several times. its like each time i try and simple it up for her, and then she accuses me of not "elaborating."
shes gonna make me hate that word with a passion when im older, so that when i hear it, i just automatically cringe. its already taking effect.
biology was boring. i got my new teacher, ms day, and shes boring, definitively not who i thought she was. but shes trying, and thats all that matters.
but towards the end of the class, i sort of got into a religious argument with the girl in front of me. she said something about elevation and i coughed *cough theyareinitforthemoney cough* thing. and she was all offended and shes like, no im trying to be a good little church girl. and im like, a what? and shes like, 'yeah, i have to be for my parents!' and im like, are you a christian, and shes like yeah, and i said, im a christian, and i frankly find "good little church girl" quite offending. and shes like, well thats what im trying to be, and im sitting here thinking, no, you should try to be like jesus.
"good little church girl" is an insult to most christians. it made me upset. so i went to stand up to throw something away, and when i came back i sat down with like one leg in my chair, kind of funny, but i ripped my pj pants. not bad or anywhere embarrissing, it was just on the top part, like it got caught on a bolt on the chair and ripped =[
so then i get home, and its hot my house, its hot outside, the heat is so inescapable. then for some reason, my mom tries and "bond" with me and shes trying to talk to me about this sermon she heard, which i dont mind, its just she takes on this whole other..person when she does. like every time i try and talk about God, her voice gets softer and she talks slower, and she looks at me differently. like.. its like that awkward voice you hear when your getting the birds and the bee's talk. like it just makes you uncomfortable no matter what we were talking about. it makes me irritated though.
and i really dont want to do this esssay thats due on wednesday. the prompt is a definition of a responsible person as it relates to society. what the heck does that mean?? recycle? dont break laws? be nice to other people??
i tried to write it with a school society, but its the idea shes shooting down. so now i get to conform to the rest of the class and write about the same crap as everyone else!
the question is though, what?
i really dont get it. how does recycling make you a responsible person? it doesnt. it makes you eco-friendly.
when she read over my origional, she said that i was focusing too much on one person, on the reader. and im like, well does one person not effect the whole crowd? she said my thesis was all wrong even though i practically copied the examples, only changed the major parts. i just dont get it. im considering just taking a zero for this grade and doing really well on everything else. but idk how that will work out.
now im thinking ill just stick with my ideas and just take the grade i get from that. i honestly dont care anymore.
today just sucked.
all i want to do is sleep.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
IM NOT HERE TO BE DEPRESSED!
FACT: im not gonna let the dumb things get me down anymore.
FACT: I LOVE KARAOKE
FACT: i dooo nottt know how to spell karrr-eeee-ooooo-keee.
FACT: im so hyper. let me tell you about tonight.
dont be jealous, CC. were gonna do it again. consider this a warning for what is to come.
[[fact: im listening to techno as im typing this. YAY FOR BENNY BENNASSI.]]
okayyy. so i get to stephens and then like 2 seconds later, rob gets there. talk about good timing. so we drive to leah's. ROB DRIVES LIKE A MANIAC. but its fun. it makes me feel adventurous. but it also makes me appreciate momma's driving.
so we pick leah up and ethan is wearing shirt 4 times too small for him.
yeah so then we go get coffeeee, which takes forever. all these people think stephen is a freak for bootay boppin in the shop. we point and laugh at the 19 book that i see everytime we i go there.
we get our amazingly good coffee, get in the car, and go.
then were there.
we enter in awkwardly, and dont know what to do. we say hi to some people, and they just look at us.
so yeah. we pick out some songs to sing, and we end up like never singing any of them. but i have like a list of 4903284023 to sing. so yeah. the first song we sang was HAKUNA MATATA. [means no worries for the rest of your days] :]]
then we sang the circle of life.
and then tim sang the little mermaid song.
BTW. i mean tim troutman. not timmmm weldon.
so tim brought miguel, who was decked out in micheal jackson stuff, and so he danced to billy jean. it was really good. i got it on videooo. he was goood. and really funny.
so yeah. we sing other songs that i dont remember. a bunch of slowish ones. we sang horribly, but good at the same time. we sang rascal flats a lot, and love song by sara berrreellalskdakjdokasjd. and we sang hound dog and COTTON EYE JOE, which was awful, so we just danced and sung the chorus.
stephen danced with some old people, which was sweet. then i danced with tis old guy who liked to dance. i just basically moved my feet and stepped around, but it was dancing, and it was fun.
then rob and stephen sang write this down, stephen and i sand "i believe in a thing called love" WHICH WAS GREAT. cause it was realllyyy high pitched.
THE SONG BOOK HAD SICK PUPPIES IN IT. I WAS SOOO THRILLED.
it also had the weirdest songs. IT HAD THE SPICE GIRLS. i wanted to sing them so badly. and AARON CARTER. hahahah.
then at the end, tim was like "last one" and we sang "lean on me" and everytime i wanted to say "lean on STEPHANIE" i did a few times.
and then we sang like 3 songs after that. hahah. and at the end this lady grabbed the mike and sang like "will you save the last dance for me?" haha. it was cute.
and then they clapped, we clapped, and then said thanks, goodnight and left.
we heard someone say "what is that group called?!" we didnt realize she was talking about us, hahaha.
so we dashed out the door and decided to go to bohaaanglesss, where we sang in bathrooms,
where the cashier sang along and made "TWSS" jokes.
"holy crap thats so huge"
thats what she said.
stephen: haha it was so funny, there was something wrong with [i think he said] our vaccum, and my dad was explaining how to fix it. 'YOU SQUEEZE IT AND PUT THAT ON THE TOP OF IT' ha i cant say TWSS cause my mom is always like "who is she? why is she saying dirty things?' " xDDDDDDD
that guy was so funny.
rob" what are yo utalking about? im a senior! ...just not a senior citizen.
ahh ha. and then we got fries and talked a little bit with the rest of the workers, cause you know, it was just so danged packed at 9:30pm.
so then im like, i gotta go home.. erm to stephens house.
so we get our food and leave, but suddenly, we had to throw up. so we did a little. we threw an icecube at the window and it got the guy's attention, and then stephen "puked" fries, and the dude freaked out, and so then we just quickly ran away and drove away in the car, and hes like "okay what the crap?!"
hahahahahhahaa. it was sooo funny.
and rob was like speeeedin, and we wre spittin out the window, and singing and yelling and groaning.
it was great.
we drop leah off and sing and what not in the car. then we get to stephens house and i gawk at belle. shess a great dog. i want her.
haha. then i told stephen what all his friends meant by "have a great summer"
JAYKAYYYHDHSAJDASKD.
hahah. it was funny. and then i told off my mom, but mr caldwell said i was right, so that rocked.
then i got home and decided sleep was impossible and startedd this. only mozilla doesnt work anymore, and im running out of room on my pc memory and my cpu keeps telling me this. helllooo not like i can do anything about it, MKAY?
so now i have to use internet explorer, and it doesnt tell me when i spell things wrong anymore :[[
so anyways, i see woodlands pics from this year, and i like almost cry. they are amazing. i LOVE THEM SO MUCH. i dont even know whose they are. but i love them. i love woodlands. i love woodlands.
I LOVE WOODLANDS.
i want to be there...RIGHT NOW.
like right now.
come on geanie, come grant my wish.
but its 11:50.
SLEEP IS IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT NOW.
ahh haha.
WOODLANDS.
:]]]]]]
FACT: I LOVE KARAOKE
FACT: i dooo nottt know how to spell karrr-eeee-ooooo-keee.
FACT: im so hyper. let me tell you about tonight.
dont be jealous, CC. were gonna do it again. consider this a warning for what is to come.
[[fact: im listening to techno as im typing this. YAY FOR BENNY BENNASSI.]]
okayyy. so i get to stephens and then like 2 seconds later, rob gets there. talk about good timing. so we drive to leah's. ROB DRIVES LIKE A MANIAC. but its fun. it makes me feel adventurous. but it also makes me appreciate momma's driving.
so we pick leah up and ethan is wearing shirt 4 times too small for him.
yeah so then we go get coffeeee, which takes forever. all these people think stephen is a freak for bootay boppin in the shop. we point and laugh at the 19 book that i see everytime we i go there.
we get our amazingly good coffee, get in the car, and go.
then were there.
we enter in awkwardly, and dont know what to do. we say hi to some people, and they just look at us.
so yeah. we pick out some songs to sing, and we end up like never singing any of them. but i have like a list of 4903284023 to sing. so yeah. the first song we sang was HAKUNA MATATA. [means no worries for the rest of your days] :]]
then we sang the circle of life.
and then tim sang the little mermaid song.
BTW. i mean tim troutman. not timmmm weldon.
so tim brought miguel, who was decked out in micheal jackson stuff, and so he danced to billy jean. it was really good. i got it on videooo. he was goood. and really funny.
so yeah. we sing other songs that i dont remember. a bunch of slowish ones. we sang horribly, but good at the same time. we sang rascal flats a lot, and love song by sara berrreellalskdakjdokasjd. and we sang hound dog and COTTON EYE JOE, which was awful, so we just danced and sung the chorus.
stephen danced with some old people, which was sweet. then i danced with tis old guy who liked to dance. i just basically moved my feet and stepped around, but it was dancing, and it was fun.
then rob and stephen sang write this down, stephen and i sand "i believe in a thing called love" WHICH WAS GREAT. cause it was realllyyy high pitched.
THE SONG BOOK HAD SICK PUPPIES IN IT. I WAS SOOO THRILLED.
it also had the weirdest songs. IT HAD THE SPICE GIRLS. i wanted to sing them so badly. and AARON CARTER. hahahah.
then at the end, tim was like "last one" and we sang "lean on me" and everytime i wanted to say "lean on STEPHANIE" i did a few times.
and then we sang like 3 songs after that. hahah. and at the end this lady grabbed the mike and sang like "will you save the last dance for me?" haha. it was cute.
and then they clapped, we clapped, and then said thanks, goodnight and left.
we heard someone say "what is that group called?!" we didnt realize she was talking about us, hahaha.
so we dashed out the door and decided to go to bohaaanglesss, where we sang in bathrooms,
where the cashier sang along and made "TWSS" jokes.
"holy crap thats so huge"
thats what she said.
stephen: haha it was so funny, there was something wrong with [i think he said] our vaccum, and my dad was explaining how to fix it. 'YOU SQUEEZE IT AND PUT THAT ON THE TOP OF IT' ha i cant say TWSS cause my mom is always like "who is she? why is she saying dirty things?' " xDDDDDDD
that guy was so funny.
rob" what are yo utalking about? im a senior! ...just not a senior citizen.
ahh ha. and then we got fries and talked a little bit with the rest of the workers, cause you know, it was just so danged packed at 9:30pm.
so then im like, i gotta go home.. erm to stephens house.
so we get our food and leave, but suddenly, we had to throw up. so we did a little. we threw an icecube at the window and it got the guy's attention, and then stephen "puked" fries, and the dude freaked out, and so then we just quickly ran away and drove away in the car, and hes like "okay what the crap?!"
hahahahahhahaa. it was sooo funny.
and rob was like speeeedin, and we wre spittin out the window, and singing and yelling and groaning.
it was great.
we drop leah off and sing and what not in the car. then we get to stephens house and i gawk at belle. shess a great dog. i want her.
haha. then i told stephen what all his friends meant by "have a great summer"
JAYKAYYYHDHSAJDASKD.
hahah. it was funny. and then i told off my mom, but mr caldwell said i was right, so that rocked.
then i got home and decided sleep was impossible and startedd this. only mozilla doesnt work anymore, and im running out of room on my pc memory and my cpu keeps telling me this. helllooo not like i can do anything about it, MKAY?
so now i have to use internet explorer, and it doesnt tell me when i spell things wrong anymore :[[
so anyways, i see woodlands pics from this year, and i like almost cry. they are amazing. i LOVE THEM SO MUCH. i dont even know whose they are. but i love them. i love woodlands. i love woodlands.
I LOVE WOODLANDS.
i want to be there...RIGHT NOW.
like right now.
come on geanie, come grant my wish.
but its 11:50.
SLEEP IS IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT NOW.
ahh haha.
WOODLANDS.
:]]]]]]
everything is blue
i noticed this on the bus today. the bus's seats were blue, my jeans are blue, my jacket is blue, my phone is blue, my phone cover is blue. my notebooks are blue. my ipod case is blue. everything is blue. the sky, the ocean, jeans. facebook's theme is blue. twitter's theme is a blue bird. theres blue on blogger.MY ENGLISH TEACHER'S LAST NAME IS BLUE FOR CRYIN OUTLOUD. just look around. i could name 27 blue things right now. that blanket. that blanket. that bin. that binder. that book. that book. that flip flop. that shirt. that sock. that shirt. that pen. that marker. that paper.
its one of the most common colors ever.
i just found this really weird. and oddly similar to that song
yo listen up, heres a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world and all day and all night and everything thing he sees is just blue, like him, inside and outside. blue his house with the blue little window and a blue corvet and everything is blue for him and himself and everyone around.
its so true. i mean, its like a neutral color. its so familar, we dont even notice it. i mean i seriously didnt even realize that the bus's seats were blue. im mean BLUE. its so weird! blue seats in a yellow orange bus.
seriously. who came up with these color schemes???
ps: blue is just about the strangest word in the english language ever.
BLUH-OOOOH. its a mix of throwup and french.
its one of the most common colors ever.
i just found this really weird. and oddly similar to that song
yo listen up, heres a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world and all day and all night and everything thing he sees is just blue, like him, inside and outside. blue his house with the blue little window and a blue corvet and everything is blue for him and himself and everyone around.
its so true. i mean, its like a neutral color. its so familar, we dont even notice it. i mean i seriously didnt even realize that the bus's seats were blue. im mean BLUE. its so weird! blue seats in a yellow orange bus.
seriously. who came up with these color schemes???
ps: blue is just about the strangest word in the english language ever.
BLUH-OOOOH. its a mix of throwup and french.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
if actions speak louder than words, then consider me a mute.
i dont get it. theres no other way to tell you this, but frankly, im disapointed. everything we've adviced you, every step we guided, all our prayers, wasted.
go ahead, be angry. say we dont understand.
but kid, this is for your own good.
just because were not supportive of this particular choice, doesnt mean were not supportive of you.
no, i dont hate you, i dont want to fight you.
you know i'll always love you,
but right now i just dont like you
cause you took this too far
go ahead, be angry. say we dont understand.
but kid, this is for your own good.
just because were not supportive of this particular choice, doesnt mean were not supportive of you.
no, i dont hate you, i dont want to fight you.
you know i'll always love you,
but right now i just dont like you
cause you took this too far
Monday, September 7, 2009
a brief mezardjian history
tonight was the celebration of my grandparent's 55th aniversary. my grandma, hellen joanne matyok [match-ahk], is 76 and my grandpa, stephen mezardjian (who took on the middle name of hatchador* when he moved to the states), is 87.
my grandma's side is turkish/hungarian. when you get down to it, theyre about the same thing. its scary when you look at pictures of my grandma when she was my age and younger. we are IDENTICAL. we have a picture in my living room of her when she was about 12 or 13. below it is a picture of me when i was about 12. the similarities are uncanny. then as my grandmother aged, she began to look like my mother when she was in her 20's-30's. theres a picture of my grandma on her wedding day, and she looks identical to my mother on her wedding day. their facial features are very alike. so this makes me wonder, will i grow up to look like my grandma? when i was younger, 6-9, i looked a lot like my older cousin miranda, only with dark hair and without the freckles.so this will always be a mystery to me. but anyways...
my grandfather was born in armenia but was quickly moved to greece and stayed there the first chunk of his life. his father, hatchador* (disregard spelling) mezardjian (pronounced mez-ard-jin) was killed when my grandfather was very young during the hungarian massacre. this is brutal, but they actually took him in the middle of the night and shot him in their corn fields. its awful. but that allowed my grandpa and his brother, john, (or as they call him in greek, hhhhoe-nee.) so they lived together with their mother, traveling everywhere around that general area. during this period is where my grandfather learned so many languages; german, french, italian, spanish, greek. he was multilingual. he traveled from school to school learning all these languages, never staying there for more than 4 years.
i think he said it was when he was 20 something that he came to the states. he said he came over about '51 or '52. but i dont know for sure what age he was. his brother came over two years before him.
i think my grandparents met at a tennis club in their community, they both worked there. i think my grandma served food and my grandpa managed it or something like that. anyways, so they got married and had 4 kids. my grandpa's brother, john, on the otherhand, has a different story.
he came to the states around '49. it took him a while to learn the language, but when he did he found his wife, gertie, who was austrian and german. how they met, i dont know yet. she always nagged him to speak english, but he never preferred to. the two had three kids, mike, ari (are-ree), and monica. monica is a year younger than my mom and they get along great. ironically enough, she has the strongest southern accent in the family. ari is the more crude sibling of the family, and didnt get along well with others. mike on the other hand is a good guy, and ill talk about him later.
so john taught his kids german at a young age, and so they grew up bilingual. pretty cool. but john, being just as multilingual as my grandfather, taught the kids words gertie didnt know, and so she would always smack him when they used it. i thought it was funny. but when mike was 8, john died. and the three kids looked up to my grandpa as a dad. i think john died of some kind of organ failure, but im not sure either, its a touchy subject.
fast forward to present day, mike came to visit my grandparents today and surprised them when we were at outback. the whole time he filled us in on his family, people i was oblivious to until today.
when mike was younger, much younger, seeing as hes 60, he was working in his office and he saw this woman at the receptionist desk in the front building. during the day he purposely walked in her direction just to see her. he did that three times, and on the fourth, someone else was sitting at the desk. mike acted like he was there for something else when the woman said "are you wanting to talk to pat?" then he basically replied with "is it that obvious?" the woman handed him pat's business card and noted "she left you something on the back."
it was her phone number.
so inevitably, they went out and married 4 years later. they were deeply in love. they didnt have any kids though.pat got a long with the family like she was born into it. she actually became one of my mom's good friends. it was all goin fine until about 6 years ago, when pat had some sort of cancer and died abruptly. it damaged my whole family, especially mike. man he loved, and still loves, that woman. even though he's moved on and gone on with his life, his eyes still twinkle when he talks about her. im not even kidding. he loves her so much, to this day. i can see it in him. the whole time at dinner, he was talking about how non of his "match.com" matches can even compare to pat. its so sweet, a true definition of love.
"well what ever happened to so and so? you guys were serious for a while.."
"oh her, she was too tall"
"what are you talking about? you were taller than her."
"i know, but she doesnt stand right compared to pat."
it was so sweet.
my grandfather has such an amazing history. i want him to write it down, so he will live forever. but he hasnt even told his kids all of it, so you know parts of it are hard to talk about. but both of my grandparents are truly amazing. im blessed to be intertwined with them :]
my grandma's side is turkish/hungarian. when you get down to it, theyre about the same thing. its scary when you look at pictures of my grandma when she was my age and younger. we are IDENTICAL. we have a picture in my living room of her when she was about 12 or 13. below it is a picture of me when i was about 12. the similarities are uncanny. then as my grandmother aged, she began to look like my mother when she was in her 20's-30's. theres a picture of my grandma on her wedding day, and she looks identical to my mother on her wedding day. their facial features are very alike. so this makes me wonder, will i grow up to look like my grandma? when i was younger, 6-9, i looked a lot like my older cousin miranda, only with dark hair and without the freckles.so this will always be a mystery to me. but anyways...
my grandfather was born in armenia but was quickly moved to greece and stayed there the first chunk of his life. his father, hatchador* (disregard spelling) mezardjian (pronounced mez-ard-jin) was killed when my grandfather was very young during the hungarian massacre. this is brutal, but they actually took him in the middle of the night and shot him in their corn fields. its awful. but that allowed my grandpa and his brother, john, (or as they call him in greek, hhhhoe-nee.) so they lived together with their mother, traveling everywhere around that general area. during this period is where my grandfather learned so many languages; german, french, italian, spanish, greek. he was multilingual. he traveled from school to school learning all these languages, never staying there for more than 4 years.
i think he said it was when he was 20 something that he came to the states. he said he came over about '51 or '52. but i dont know for sure what age he was. his brother came over two years before him.
i think my grandparents met at a tennis club in their community, they both worked there. i think my grandma served food and my grandpa managed it or something like that. anyways, so they got married and had 4 kids. my grandpa's brother, john, on the otherhand, has a different story.
he came to the states around '49. it took him a while to learn the language, but when he did he found his wife, gertie, who was austrian and german. how they met, i dont know yet. she always nagged him to speak english, but he never preferred to. the two had three kids, mike, ari (are-ree), and monica. monica is a year younger than my mom and they get along great. ironically enough, she has the strongest southern accent in the family. ari is the more crude sibling of the family, and didnt get along well with others. mike on the other hand is a good guy, and ill talk about him later.
so john taught his kids german at a young age, and so they grew up bilingual. pretty cool. but john, being just as multilingual as my grandfather, taught the kids words gertie didnt know, and so she would always smack him when they used it. i thought it was funny. but when mike was 8, john died. and the three kids looked up to my grandpa as a dad. i think john died of some kind of organ failure, but im not sure either, its a touchy subject.
fast forward to present day, mike came to visit my grandparents today and surprised them when we were at outback. the whole time he filled us in on his family, people i was oblivious to until today.
when mike was younger, much younger, seeing as hes 60, he was working in his office and he saw this woman at the receptionist desk in the front building. during the day he purposely walked in her direction just to see her. he did that three times, and on the fourth, someone else was sitting at the desk. mike acted like he was there for something else when the woman said "are you wanting to talk to pat?" then he basically replied with "is it that obvious?" the woman handed him pat's business card and noted "she left you something on the back."
it was her phone number.
so inevitably, they went out and married 4 years later. they were deeply in love. they didnt have any kids though.pat got a long with the family like she was born into it. she actually became one of my mom's good friends. it was all goin fine until about 6 years ago, when pat had some sort of cancer and died abruptly. it damaged my whole family, especially mike. man he loved, and still loves, that woman. even though he's moved on and gone on with his life, his eyes still twinkle when he talks about her. im not even kidding. he loves her so much, to this day. i can see it in him. the whole time at dinner, he was talking about how non of his "match.com" matches can even compare to pat. its so sweet, a true definition of love.
"well what ever happened to so and so? you guys were serious for a while.."
"oh her, she was too tall"
"what are you talking about? you were taller than her."
"i know, but she doesnt stand right compared to pat."
it was so sweet.
my grandfather has such an amazing history. i want him to write it down, so he will live forever. but he hasnt even told his kids all of it, so you know parts of it are hard to talk about. but both of my grandparents are truly amazing. im blessed to be intertwined with them :]
Sunday, September 6, 2009
just grin and bear it.
none of you want to hear this,
just warning you ahead of time.
that way you can stuff your ears with comfort
and run from what is true.
they werent kidding when they said, ignorance is bliss,
but stupidity crosses the line.
did you not learn from your past,
or do i need to tell you what you've been through.
and as for you, you empty abyss,
our words go in one ear
and out the other.
im going to give up my pursue.
i hope this ends well, youre a people i would miss.
i wish, heck, we wish that this would end soon.
theres something i dont think you see,
and that it hurts us too.
just warning you ahead of time.
that way you can stuff your ears with comfort
and run from what is true.
they werent kidding when they said, ignorance is bliss,
but stupidity crosses the line.
did you not learn from your past,
or do i need to tell you what you've been through.
and as for you, you empty abyss,
our words go in one ear
and out the other.
im going to give up my pursue.
i hope this ends well, youre a people i would miss.
i wish, heck, we wish that this would end soon.
theres something i dont think you see,
and that it hurts us too.
Monday, August 31, 2009
la la la la la :]
so im sitting here waiting for a file to download. my phone chord hasnt been working so i decided to unistall the program i use for it, and reinstall it. i hope it will work. so far so good. im pleased to say that i think im finally doing something right for once. i just thank God that he's given me a paitent heart, because this is taking up quite a long time.
so i know most people dont do this, but im gonna ramble a little here.
today started off fine. it rained on me on the bus stop and it felt really cool outside. like 70's!! i was so thrilled. it still feels really nice outside. i cant wait until it starts to get cooler out so i cant wear muh sleevies again ^^
oh crap. this samsung program thing keeps telling me i need to update my program. so im downloading like 13.8 something.. im just like.. uh.. "yes" to everything. UGH. I JUST WANT TO GET MY PICTURES OFF MY PHONE!
but yeah. so im so excited for art. but no one else in my art class is. i think i know the chick who sits next to me from QG. im not really sure. she looks reallllyyy familar. im ready to start some projects, to just dive in and make something! art is probably going to be my favorite classes this year.
math is going miserably unwell so far. i swear, if butler doesnt get it together by next monday im calling in a complaint. this is ridiculous. MAYBE IF YOU DIDNT LAY OFF ALL OF YOUR TEACHERS, YOU WOULDNT HAVE 15 KIDS WITHOUT ONE AND A CRAZY OLD LADY SITTING THERE WASTING YOUR MONEY. hahaha.
english isnt too hot either. i dont like anyone in that class and they all look at me like im stupid. which im not. which i try not to be.
oh hey look my downloads are finished! yay! lets go look at them!
YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!
I FINALLY DID SOMETHING TECH SAVY!!
=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
im so proud. i finally hooked my phone up to my computer.
heehee.
now i can put all my glorious pictures on facebook!
okay, and i really need to give the credit to God here. i was like about to loose hope and the next thing i knew, my fingers were directing themselves to my phone settings, and changed something on my phone to allow it to connect. i seriously didnt even realize it, but the next thing i knew, it connected.
that was God.
like that might sound stupid to you, but God works in weird ways.
thats how he shows himself to me. like placing lost items in front of me, or like suddenly giving me thoughts like during class that i might not know.
hes just cool like that :]
but uh, i just had to disconnect my phone so i could take a phone call. lets see if this will work again. sweet, its connected. :P
so i know most people dont do this, but im gonna ramble a little here.
today started off fine. it rained on me on the bus stop and it felt really cool outside. like 70's!! i was so thrilled. it still feels really nice outside. i cant wait until it starts to get cooler out so i cant wear muh sleevies again ^^
oh crap. this samsung program thing keeps telling me i need to update my program. so im downloading like 13.8 something.. im just like.. uh.. "yes" to everything. UGH. I JUST WANT TO GET MY PICTURES OFF MY PHONE!
but yeah. so im so excited for art. but no one else in my art class is. i think i know the chick who sits next to me from QG. im not really sure. she looks reallllyyy familar. im ready to start some projects, to just dive in and make something! art is probably going to be my favorite classes this year.
math is going miserably unwell so far. i swear, if butler doesnt get it together by next monday im calling in a complaint. this is ridiculous. MAYBE IF YOU DIDNT LAY OFF ALL OF YOUR TEACHERS, YOU WOULDNT HAVE 15 KIDS WITHOUT ONE AND A CRAZY OLD LADY SITTING THERE WASTING YOUR MONEY. hahaha.
english isnt too hot either. i dont like anyone in that class and they all look at me like im stupid. which im not. which i try not to be.
oh hey look my downloads are finished! yay! lets go look at them!
YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!
I FINALLY DID SOMETHING TECH SAVY!!
=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
im so proud. i finally hooked my phone up to my computer.
heehee.
now i can put all my glorious pictures on facebook!
okay, and i really need to give the credit to God here. i was like about to loose hope and the next thing i knew, my fingers were directing themselves to my phone settings, and changed something on my phone to allow it to connect. i seriously didnt even realize it, but the next thing i knew, it connected.
that was God.
like that might sound stupid to you, but God works in weird ways.
thats how he shows himself to me. like placing lost items in front of me, or like suddenly giving me thoughts like during class that i might not know.
hes just cool like that :]
but uh, i just had to disconnect my phone so i could take a phone call. lets see if this will work again. sweet, its connected. :P
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