i can't.

school is absolutely the worst thing that can ever exist. i hate it so much. i honestly do not understand how people attend it every day, let alone feel okay about it. there is so much work to be done, but i cant even STAY AWAKE long enough to do anything. I AM JUST SO TIRED. i cant continue like this. i am freakin fading away too quickly. i dont want to blame everything on my new job, just on my new lack of time. THAT is killing me. i dont have any time to do anything, or strength. but i cant abandon this job. i have it too good. i need this, the money, the relationships, the connections. theres no way i can leave. but school is just freakin kicking my butt. i want to drop out of highschool so badly. and im not sure leaving rocky river would even cure my hatred for school. no, anywhere would be hard. i am just so frustrated. no one freakin gets it. no one else i know has the same stress load that i have, but i feel like everyone is condemning me for it.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO IN TWO HOURS. yet here i am. avoiding anything, looking for a distraction.
i think my junior paper is this week. but my paper is not in my possession. I GOT A SEVENTY THREE ON MY PAPER. do you know how much that pisses me off? I PUT MORE THAN SEVENTY THREE PERCENT OF MYSELF INTO THAT PAPER- i didn't freakin slay myself for two solid weeks on that, i took at least FOUR all nighters working on that freakin thing. just like tonight.
i tried to get some sleep when i got home, but my dreams are freaking killing me. and now i have to read that stupid "their eyes were watching God" book, thats so hard to understand, and i have to write a million things about it, and i havent even finished reading. i am just so overloaded. i have so much work to give to my english teacher, i just want to curl up and DIE. i hate life so much right now. i cant stop crying long enough to get any work done. i have spanish project due wednesday, and im not even sure how to do it because the directions are in spanish, and i also have a spanish lab due today, but i didnt do anything for it.
my calender says my junior paper is due wednesday, like for good. but i have no idea when i'm going to get it back from tim, so..that looks like its not happening.
I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF FAILING AT EVERYTHING I DO.
my grades are absolutely dreadful. never before have i had so many Ds and Cs. i want to just quit everything and sleep forever. im so sick of being overwhelmed and tired. I JUST NEED SLEEP. like ten really good, solid hours of sleep. BUT THERES NO WAY I CAN GET THEM. not during the week, no. i'm lucky if i get ten TOTAL hours of sleep a week. and i cant on the weekends, not recently. everything has been devoted to stupid holidays. I HATE HOLIDAYS. i really do. stupid decorating. and i cannot stand this cold weather. the moment i get outside, i want to die, the cold air freakin piercing me deep in the bones, i cant even move its so cold to me.

i have so much crap to do. school has just become this big pile of crap where i dont understand anything. and this is not an overstatement. i dont understand ANYTHING in chemistry. its a whole freakin different language that i am most likely going to fail. i just want to skip school today. i really do. i just need a day to get over all this work. because i have to leave the house in three hours and im just not going to make it. i'm half attempted to just do it, and walk into the school counselor's office and just say HELP. because this is just too much for me to handle. i need someone to just keep me accountable. someone solid and sturdy. i shouldnt be up at 3 am trying to finish homework. I HATE MY SITUATION RIGHT NOW.
i shouldnt be getting such bad grades. i shouldnt be this stressed. i shouldnt want to destroy myself over this. i shouldnt want to stay home every day. i shouldnt hide out in my car every day and cry before and after school. i shouldnt feel this miserable. i shouldnt be having such a hard home life. i shouldnt be talking like this, or thinking these thoughts. i shouldnt be doing this.
but i am.

i am just a disgusting human being. i have no idea how jesus can take me in. not when i act like this. think like this. i am disgusted of myself and of this world.

some people just really grind my gears.

did i really just think that? on thanksgiving day?
i am the most selfish person on the freakin planet.
on wednesday night, i felt so thankful for life, now im dreading waking up to it. seriously?
this is what happens when i'm bound at my mothers for an entire holiday.
looking back, i never did think that i would miss the day that my holidays were split into three's and fours. for the past eight years, its always been wake up at moms, go with dad to step relatives. then to mawmaws/cousins house. then back with mom. with christmas, its worse. i dont even want to describe it.
it really bothers me that we have a fake tree. why do we even acknowledge that it's a tree. there should be another name for it. like suckorama. or fakefest. seriously, why?


my eyes are burning. i have no idea why. like the corners of them. i hope its not pink eye.

...did that just rhyme?


i stare at my bare arms and i love and hate them. after ripping off all of my bracelets in that teenaged angst i tend to have, i feel better. but also worse. worse because it feels like that itch in the middle of your back that only someone else or a long pointy stick can handle. and its taunting because you cant fight it off yourself. but its like no one is good at scratching except for this one being that you know, one that you have to come humble to. and here you are, wishing death among yourself and everything in the house, selfish and arrogant as can be, and you cant even ask them to scratch your back.

october 30th

i am sleeping way too much than i should be. but i feel like i really need it. i took night time cold meds last night, hoping to officially terminate this flubug, but all it did was extremely tire me even more. i was already exhausted by midnight, so falling asleep was not the hard part. getting up was. i slept for nine hours, i should have felt refreshed, but i felt awful. like i got hit by a truck in my sleep. i got up to hopefully get an early start on my paper, but thirty minutes later, i was knocked out again. i got up periodically at 10 and then 12 to pee, but i was still tired so i slept again until 1:3o. thats the latest ive ever slept.
so i got up and read for the next hour, promising myself that i would start my paper at three. i went to take a shower, but it ended up being one of those "sit in the tub and shave with the shower running" showers, but i found myself sitting there staring into space. it was scary, i took a 30 minute shower- that isnt typical of me. i got out, got dressed, and sat down on my bed. the next thing that i know, i am out cold. well, warm really. it was 4 pm and im bundled up next to my cats sleeping. suddenly, i awake to a car alarm. some idiot's car alarm went off about every 8 minutes for the next hour. the same hour that i spent sleeping...again. i deciced to get up when i heard my mother yelling about dinner. it was 6 o'clock. i hadnt started my paper at all. and here i am, freaking out, because i shouldnt be this tired!
really thinking about it, i think i slept over 18 hours in the past twenty four hours. and i am still very tired. i could curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of the night, if i allowed myself to. but my rough draft is due monday, and i still dont know how to incorporate a visual into my paper. i really havent done enough research, i know this for fact. i'm terrible, miserable, setting my own doom. if it were a research paper, this thing would be done. i would have my visual, i could ownnnnn any topic. why did i have to pick such a dumb topic? "the constitution does not support the separation of church and state." blahh boring. why am i making myself do this?
what the heck is wrong with me?

willy wonka is so silly.

i have dandruff.
i bite my nails.
my car will always be dirty.
my clothes will prolly never be perfectly folded, nor clean.
the hair on my head will always be nappy.
i can only do "windows" and blare music when it's just me in the car. everyone else must pick one or the other.
i come with a guarantee for tripping.
saying "uhm" is my way of living.
mispronouncing words is my specialty.
i say "i'm sorry" because i'm from the south.
i AM from the south, i cannot tolerate northern driving.
i frequently replace R's for W's, and W's for L's.
i am not "honors" material.
i will always joke about drugs, but i will never do them.
the people at my school either
a) intimidate me
b) mock me
c) make me ashamed of humanity
my family isnt a family. were a household unit.
my art isnt art. its an explosion of my brain.
my room is a symbol of my sanity.
it's also 97% of the time messy.
i will complain about everything, but not ever mean the words i say.
i will tell people everything i think; other's opinions dont hold me back.
i still have love for everyone though.
most of the time, i probably sound like a huge ol' hypocrite.
i pick at my scabbs.
i have little to no self confidence.
i dont wear the right shoe size.
i dont really pay attention to what i say, just what i think.
i exaggerate a million times a day.

and yet, after all of these things, i am still pretty alright with who i am. ive been ridiculed a couple too many times by friends because of this. i'm not accepted as i'd like to be, thus, i am twice as acceptable. or so i try. please, i just want companionship.

not about red duck tape.

i am having the most trouble focusing on anything school related. i very badly just want to forget about school altogether. i'm just getting by in all of my classes, but i feel like i could be doing so much better. i dont know how those ap us history kids do it. they balance out 4 aps altogether. i wonder if they were ever sane. myself, nah my sanity left about two years ago.
ah, lets quit the crap. this post was supposed to be happy, to be light and airy. it was about to be about the many accomplishments through christ. it was supposed to be God honoring. that was my resolution, right? who can fight this off? im exhausted, in every sense of the word. i'm sort of tired of chasing my friends. i think for now on i'll just let them come to me. wait, no. i care for them too much. what the heck do i do? do i let the lost be lost, and the curious wonder? all i can think about is this dang spongebob silly band. not that its there, but that i feel like the biggest sinner in the world. maybe its the guilt cause i traded this poor girl a lousy seahorse for it. but she was happy to do it? is this really what my life has dwindled down to, silly bandz? look, i even spelled it with a z. how cool am i.
the other day after work homework and a shower, a thought occured to me- wow, i am way too tired to even complain about being tired. i have cyc tomorrow, i should be freakishly excited, but lets face it, i'm not. im dreading it because im so tired. i hate feeling like this. last year, i took four hour naps. this year, i sleep four hours a night. well, not really, more like 5 or 6. but i feel like im just taking naps. i dont shower as much as i used to, and i really only do laundry once every two weeks, because i just dont have the time.
I DONT WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS FOREVER. someone please tell me it gets better than this. these are supposed to be the best years of my life. but i'm not living. im routining. every day, monotonous and mundane. i get so discouraged by chemistry, its not even funny. its fourth period, so its not like it could be at a worse time. i am just so sick of coming to my car every day afterschool and either sitting there and crying or driving away angrily while blasting brand new. i just hate living like this. constantly on the run, without sleep. i need the job, i really do. its doing me good. or thats what everyone is telling me. but what if it effects my grades too much. what if i end up not getting a high enough sat score and i have to go to a local college and i'll have to live at home. then i'll still have to work, plus do college and still look after the house- i dont even want to think about this. life is coming at me, full speed for a crash landing. i dont want to be there when it crashes. bang.

i still feel like i have tape over my mouth.

everything that i've done, i really do owe to God.

i cannot imagine what my life would be like if God was not my prime motivator. earlier today it hit me in the hallways- wow, i am so thankful to be living for God. and not for others. i have no one to impress but myself. i dont have to subject to any silly or foolish commands, everything God commands me to do is justified by his word. i dont have to listen to the world, God is whispering every move in my ear! it's fantastic...when i listen at least.
i imagined today to be a very difficult day. outwardly, i complained of how painstaking my homework load was. but really, it wasnt all that bad. i mean yes, this is the most ive had all year, but that's my fault. im the one who procrastinated- what i'm saying is, i was able to do it diligently through God.
someone recently pointed out to me that one way of glorifying God is through diligently trying, giving something your very best and nothing less. because when you reach full potential, God gives His potential to you.
it was 7pm. my spanish lab partners had just left, we actually got a lot of work done, from 5:30-6:30. we talked about all the nights work we had to do- and unison groan echoed through my dining room. by 8pm i had eaten dinner and braced myself for what was to come. but my eyelids grew very droopy. i set a 7 minute timer on my phone and decided to give my eyes a break. i set the short alarm, quickly begging God that this would give me the energy to keep going. the timer went off and i tried resetting my alarm to go off at 8:12. i remember falling into a pretty deep sleep, when i suddenly felt the need to get up and get going. i awoke very quickly, and i felt extremely well rested. i checked the clock-8:18, i never remembered hearing the alarm. God had woken me up! in my sleepy awakening, i reset my alarm for the am, but God nudged me awake. he said "lets go, you can do this. here have some stregnth!" and he just mercifully gave it to me, with me barely asking! and here it is, 12:30, and i feel super energized, well sort of. i had just enough left in me to write this, and also read some scripture.

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and knowledge, so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gifts, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord. God is faithful, by whom you wer called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
-1 CORINTHIANS 4-9

a justified offence.

offending people. it seems like thats all i do these days.
the first amendment says we have freedom of religion, assembly, press, petition, and speech. and yet, if it suddenly offends someone, no doubt one of my promises are taken from me. like at school, i was brutally reprimanded by a friend for talking about the differences of denominations, while also talking about forming a CYC club. lets see, that takes away 1)religion, 2)assembly, and 3)speech. all because people don't like what i'm having to say.
on that same day, i wrote a very biblically supported argument to my friend about how this is what i'm called to do- offend people, make them feel uncomfortable in their current ungodly situations. in matthews, jesus eats with the pharisees, and they call him out for not cleaning before eating, and he's like "dont worry about me, i am good. you are bad. you care more about your fancy practices than the heart inside. WOE TO YOU!" and the phariesees are like "you offend us!" and jesus is like "you offend God for doing this!" and it just about shuts them up.

well, what if the present day church was offending God today? God is significant, right? YES. so is the president, right? yeahh. so why do people dress up for the president, but not for God. would you show up to the white house in sweat pants, or jerseys, or low cut tops, skinny jeans, (or jeans none the less) or in a hat? no, you wouldnt. so why would you show up to church like that. God doesnt want to see that. the bible says not to worry about what you wear, but it also calls us to respect God and ourselves with what we do wear.

i also dont understand how people can be offended by something when it doesnt even apply to them. like non practicing catholics. theyre comfirmed when they're little, but dont go to church anymore. if you dont care about something, then how can you even form an opinion about it? its not justified.

i think the monks had it right. to be completely separated from the world, in a peaceful environment, just meditating on scripture day and night. a lot of these modern day churches are about emotions; they feed off of them. "listen to our sappy song, watch our depressing video. now give some money or i'll make you feel even worse." thats what elevation was about today. or on others "listen to our revved up music with our fancy lights, listen to us NOT praise God by conforming to the patterns of this world(despite what romans 12 tells us!)" it just bothers me, thats how they get people going. through emotion. when they sing songs like "i found you jesus, i was dead and now i am alive because i found you." or something like that. it isnt even true. jesus found YOU. you did nothing. bah. i cant even describe any of this right. i guess i should just go back to writing my own paper. just had to get this out.

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stomach hurts. want to throw up and pass out at the same time. my body is telling me how tired i am. there is so much to be done, so much i'd rather be doing right now. i could handle it before. its just that now, i feel like i am wasting time in the areas that matter the most. this junior paper has gotten me all in a fuss. class of 13 doesnt have to do it, but class of 12 does. what gives? arg. its argumentative too. not just a boring ol research paper. its making me so frustrated.

i am just so tired. work is killing me. sounds pathetic. but people dont understand how hard it is to watch 7 children, ages 5-10 for four hours. its a lot harder than you think. especially when alone. everyone is touching you, everyone asks questions, everyone critiques. they are lucky they are blocked by childhood ignorance.

unlike instructor tarrus, who's snappy remarks are just not wanted. theres this one guy who comes like every other day to king tiger, he teaches class and helps leads and what not. but he a jerk to the kids and to me. if someone is changing in the bathroom, he makes them get out so he can change. even if these kids are butt naked. he doesnt even use the mens bathroom, he changes in the womans! kicks the girls out, and changes. thats just wrong. plus, he acts like he's never had kids himself, when in fact, he is married and has two college kids. he speaks spanish, but he mocks me for mine. he corrects every word i say, the only difference is that his accent is stronger. he's got an ego. and it really ticks me off when he tells me how to do my job. like today, i was talking to a disobedient mexican girl, who speaks more english than spanish, but still not much of both. i was speaking in english, and this guy comes of and starts pattering off in spanish. i understood most of it, stuff like "listen to us, you need to tell us whats wrong. get up, talk to us, smile, be happy." i got all that. but what's funny is that the little girl didnt. another kid said that she didnt understand what he said, i said i caught a little bit of it, and he turns and laughs and said to be "nahh, no you didnt." and it really ticked me off, because i did. im not some ignorant gringa! but then the little girl he was lecturing is like "i dont understand him!" and she ran off. it was so hilarious. i laughed my freakin butt off.

crap. its 12 am. i have to get up in 5 hours. ughhhhh. i freakin hate this. i am gone from 6:30 am- 6:30 pm every day. i dont start hw till about 7:30. if even that. ughhfhdagvhsdlknghsdhkhdvkhvzdkvhd. life is stressful right now. im so sleepy.

i thought about

getting a tumblr. having a fresh start.
but then i realized the only way to achieve this is by not starting over. no, that just puts me back where i started. after all, this is titled "developing from the negatives." no, i am not yet developed, in the metaphorical sense, but the picture is clearer now. negatives act as a basis for perception. sometimes it's difficult to discern what was really there, what was really happening. but when held to the light, things arent so bad. the picture isnt so muddy, and appreciation forms for the details that went into your photo.

which to bury, us or the hatchet?

i think you know what i'm getting at. our fun is so upsetting that the memories that you select- you keep the bad, but the good you just forget. and even though i'm angry, i can still say i know my heart will break the day that you peel out and drive away, i can't believe this happened.

and all this time, i never thought that all we had would have been all for naught.

No, i don't hate you, i don't want to fight you.

know that i'll always love you, but right now i just don't like you, cause you took this too far.

MAKEYOURDECISION and don't you dare think twice. go with your instincts, along with some bad advice. this didn't turn out the way i thought it would at all. you're blaming ME but some of this is still your fault. i tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge. i tried to hold your hand, but you'd rather hold your grudge. i think you know what i'm getting at-YOU said goodbye, and i don't want you regretting that.

WISDOM always chooses the black eyes and the bruises over the heartache that they say never completely goes away.

NO! i don't hate you. i don't want to fight you. you know i'll always love you, but right now

i just don't like you cause you took this too far.

what happened to us? i heard that it's me we should believe.

what happened to us? why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?

And know that i don't hate you. And know that i don't want to fight you. And know i'll always love you. but right now, i just don't.

and you said i know that this will hurt, but if i don't break your heart, then things will just get worse. and if the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

Best Epic Win Of My Life

Erica Wright i think its dumb when you have pages that say "when a friend back stabs you."

because then it says "larry likes 'when a friend back stabs you." but i really im pretty

sure NO ONE likes being back stabbed..it just doesnt make sense to "like" it. DUMB.

Erica Wright that was just an example by the way

Nick Casale Hah I think they're funny how people spend so much time with them.

Erica Wright how people spend so much time with what?

Nick Casale ‎"liking" pages

Erica Wright oh oh, yeah youre right. i mean sometimes they just popp up on my news feed and

sometimes ill agree&like it, but most of the time, theyre just dumbbbb

Nick Casale Invariably they're a waste of my innumerable clicks. They're not deserving!

Erica Wright hahaha do you think your clicks are limited?

Nick Casale I NEVER know when my mouse will go to electronic heaven.

Erica Wright what if it goes to electronic hell? or worse... PURGATORY?!

Nick Casale How dare you insult my Modest Mouse's integrity! They have a word for That in

the Temple!

Erica Wright well if your modest mouse wants to pit it verses my Sick Puppy, then bring it

dude. I'll even call up a Pussy Cat Doll so your mouse can Dig Your Grave!

Nick Casale Well fine, just know that my Modest Mouse has a team of Adolescents with Brixton Rifles and your Pussy Cat Doll is no match to my Razorkat.

Erica Wright dude my A*Teens are loaded with Guns&Roses, so they can totally handle your

Adolescents. regardless, my Black Crows will eat your Modest Mouse and it's beety little

Bright Eyes. Your Razorkat is just a Dear in the Headlights to my 1982 Relient K.

Nick Casale ‎:O where did they go?

Erica Wright they all went to Owl City.

Nick Casale Erica Wright, you just owned me. If I could delete them I'd send them all to

Subvert City though.

Erica Wright i think my life is complete.

Nick Casale As it should! That was one of the cleverest means to this end I could possibly

think of, I totally didn't expect that but simply a back and forth continual, it truly was

PWNAGE.

Erica Wright :D

asdfjadfhsaks

i'm getting pretty bummed lately. i still have a passion to be with christ, but its my emotions that are getting to me now. and my mother. and i dont mean that as bitterly as that sounds. i just mean that discouragingly. she is constantly wailing on me for things that i lack around the house. because she is in her office all day, she's left me in charge for cleaning and the such. and driving now. i'm like her lacky. and its like no matter what i say to her, she wont leave me alone. i can scream at the top of my lungs that i dont like her and she still talks to me. what gives? doesnt she know that as soon as i go to college i wont be talking to her at all? she is just so discouraging. people tell me to just comply to her demands, to just do it without complaining, but they dont see what's going on. after i leave for college, she wont take care of the house. who will cut the grass? who will unload the dishwasher? vacuum the stairs, the floors, change lightbulbs, dust cobwebs, change vent filters, feed the cats? NO ONE! because she doesnt do it now. she says the house will be clean always after i'm gone, but if i live upstairs now, and its still dirty..i just dont get it.

and driving. i get my license in about a week. she doesnt understand that once she is out of the car, i will be so much better off. there wont be as much stress or pressure. i know what i'm doing when i drive, but she treats me like i dont, and then reprimands me for doing things on my own. i dont understand. its so frustrating to be around her. i just hate being here. living with her. everything is my fault around here and all she does is bicker at me. she stares at me when she thinks i dont notice. what does she see? WHAT DOES SHE SEE? WHAT IS SHE LOOKING FOR? its completely nerve wrecking.

the worst part is, no one can understand this. the rest of them just get mad at me for not honoring God in this relationship, but i just cant. and i keep hearing of these stories that nothing gets fixed until you fix your relationships.. i just hope thats not the case with me.

Little Bitty Pretty One by Shaggy erupts in the background. He smiles joyfully at the irony of the pandemonium. The girl screams, taken defenseless. He cradles her gently, her sheltered cries shaking. The woman glares in envy, her rage vibrating trough the knife she is holding. The young girl resists, terror rising in her disposition. They dance, a knife held in his mouth. It is both highly disturbing and humorous at the same time. The woman's knife glides across the wall, her facade evident; her face broken with a grimace. The other's cower in a corner, an unspoke alliance is formed.

His swift feet bring the dance to an end, and the girl on the floor. Her eyes are begging with protest. She is bound, his laughter sounds. The moment is almost sexual as he wraps her limbs together, but it is broken by the woman, chanting distressful sounds. The moment twists in unexpected glory, and the girl is genuinely scared. Slight tears form in the corners of her eyes as she is denied verbal sound. He shows mercy and the girl is momentarily set free.

The woman repeats death threats; her singsong voice perverted into words of haste. She lingers between jealousy and pure ecstasy. The passion is unknowingly strong and her movements are bitterly sarcastic.

The complete scene is altogether hard to witness. It defines the moment of pure horror. The faces of Love broken by distress and calamity. It is most sickening to remember that this is all a joke. A game of mind and rash emotion, propelled to seem enjoyable to only those who manipulate said emotions.

The most painful thing of all, however, is the rupture of beauty portrayed during the whole thing. Beautiful people, beautiful souls, outwardly disturbed. Contorted seems fitting. Twisted. Once impeccable now evil, heart shattering.

I cannot bear to witness such a seemingly meaningless event.

you know what for me the most heart breaking thing in the world is?

knowing i will always be second to any best friend that i encounter.

to christian friends, i will be third, counting God into the equation.

God will always be first.

but in an average person, their lover comes first.

then the friend. the sidekick. the second thought.

YES i realize that this is a selfish dream. however,

the most serious i have ever been, i just want to be loved.

and that is why friendship hurts.

restless kitty, restless kitty

sleep well, restless kitty.

you squirm and you fight

itching and scratching and licking and moving.

just rest, sleepless kitty!

i love getting hair cuts. for the record, ive only had like 5 in my whole life time. no short exaggeration, i just throughly enjoy long hair. but i always feel like i change when i get them. its a good thing for sure this time!

i know im wrong in a lot of areas in my life. right now, they feel so weird and awkward to accomplish. 16 years of habitual pattern is something short of impossible to break. but nonetheless accomplishable through God. which is why im doing it in the first place.

this could have double meaning to anyone who knew my heart. but alas, that is only two persons, and thankfully, the other is the best secret keeper in the whole universe.

He hides himself from everyone, yet knows all.

He's my Abba, and i'm crying to him for help.

restless soul, restless soul

sleep well, restless soul.

you wiggle and you resist

running and fleeing and racing and waiting.

just sleep restless soul!

your Abba will bring you Home.

hey little world!

dear world of media,

your constant commercials are taking over.

seriously, we cant even GAS UP without having them shoved down our consumer throats.

and im starting to think that shows like American Idol and America's Got Talent are more commercial than they are show. this is my first time watching America's Got Talent, and let me depict to you what ive seen so far:

two minutes of introduction

commercial.

background info on a person

commercial.

"brought to you by" add.

talent. cut short talent. x2.

long commercial break. one act. commercial break. END.

yadda yadda. you get the point.

on the topic of America's Got Talent,

can i just share my opinion that i dont think singing and or dancing qualifies as talent? to me, its just not original. and i think that because a lot of people can do it. i dont mean that harshly, but i mean im watching America's Got Talent. NOT American Idol. so, show me the guy who sings about cheese. show me the crazy hula hooper. show me something that ive never seen before!!

HA! i just heard a commercial that says "everyone's got talent."

exceptttt kirsten stewart.

HELLO WORLD!

lets wake up from this illusion. and notice that in every single movie that kirsten stewart has been in, she has still sucked. ive seen her in three other movies and she's basically had the same role in every film: shrieking chick. like seriously. i dont know the name of the other movies, but i promise you, ive seen them. and they were not good.

just like the twilight movies.

the books- YEAH a good idea. not the greatest writing, but a cute fantasy for every tween girl.

BUT NOOOO, the media had to KILL it.

seriously. if it wasnt for the picture of edward cullen that has been described by stephanie meyer, no one would find anything about the twilight movies attractive.

the whole eclipse movie is really pissing me off. and i just have to get this off my chest.

TWILIGHT SUCKS TWILIGHT SUCKS TWILIGHT SUCKS.

you wait. breaking dawn. will ruin them all.

follow the spiders?!

there are exactly 3824083205.2 spiders currently living in my house. theyre tiny tiny tiny, and you can only catch them if youre staring off into space and come back to reality, in which, ONLY THEN can you see them, when your eyes are refocusing to whats in front of you and not in your imagination; tiny, moving, hanging creatures!! and im not talking about Kreacher.

they are terrible. ive killed about 6 today. and then i was walking in my hallway and i saw a MEDIUMSIZEDSPIDER crawling around. i got scared and ran away. cause you know what happens when you FOLLOW THE SPIDERS?? you find BIGGER SPIDERS. and eventually, VOLDEMORT! hm. thats weird, i thought i autocorrected my cpu to change that to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. i feel bad for j.k rowling, having to type that so many times. cripes, after awhile i would just control-V that sucker, haha.

hmm. thats about all i got tonight.

Disrupted

i hate how i have to turn on the stupid light to see.

its summer. not officially because its not monday. but it will be. but its already sucking. i didnt do anything today. except mow the grass. it wasnt that i couldnt do anything, i just felt tired. all day long. went to bed at like 10 and actually got out of bed around 12. its so hot in my room. and only my room. i swear, every other room is nice and air conditioned. but no. my dang room wont cool down. the window unit only makes it hotter, the fan only moves the heat around.

i hate that my bed is so uncomfortable. i miss my blue squishy pillow, i slept so well with that. im getting like no sleep, and thats why im so cranky and irritable. i just want to sleep. gosh, so badly i just want to sleep. what the heck is wrong with me?

i also want to shave my head. i hate my hair right now.

i have this stupid annoying cut on the side of my foot and it rubs up against everything.

I HATE HOW EVERYTHING ITCHES. i have 358238204585 million bugbites and they itch. so. badly. I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SCRATCH THEM TOO. cause if i scratch them, they will profusely bleed. and then scab. and then ill pick at the scab. then it will scab, unscab, rescab, and unscab about 8 more times, and it will SCAR. and i do not need any more stupid little scars. and there are so many stupid little bugs crawling around my house. i dont even know where they come from. same with the snakes and lizards. last year, we had a lizard problem, now we have snakes living in our bushes. and every little thing i see i think is a snake. its not like we live in the boondocks! but the wild interaction here sure seems like it.

i hate that my mom watched juno with me. that is MY movie, and here she is watching it with me, laughing at all the parts that arent supposed to be funny, RUINING IT. really, shes the source of all my problems. she keeps buying all this stupid shelving that we dont even need. im pretty sure she BOUGHT NEW things to actually put on the shelves. worst part, its all black. it doesnt even match. she says our house isnt finished. well its gonna take 4 moving trucks if we ever want to get out of this hellhole. ugh. i cant tell if im pmsing or if this is just built up.

i hate self discipline. its so hard to manage. cause if you screw up, you've got no one to blame but yourself. actually, anything that happens, everything you feel, its all because of you. theres no redirecting the emotions, you cant. because you KNOW that its your fault. I FEEL SO OUT OF PLACE. so disrupt. bothered. like my skin is too dry and my hair is too wet. and everything still itches. and im so tired, but i just cant sleep. nor can i cry. and thats just the worst.

the storm of the calm.

its thundering. raining hard, i imagine too.

im surprised at my attitude towards this one,

after a long night, this storm feels good.

the clouds are releasing built up pressure

the sky is letting it out.

i'm so in love with this storm.

the thunder rattles the plates on the wall

and sends a relaxing shiver down my back.

the rain cools the groud after such a hot night.

this storm is reviving more than just the earth.

No Body.

hair. sometimes, you can look really nice. your curls are hidden beneath length, but we'll take care of that soon. you don't always like what i put on you, but you listen to me. and i thank you.

ears. you hear more than i want you to. i try very hard not to damage you in any way, because i rely on you constantly. you help me catch burglars in my house.

eyes. you have seen far too much. you feed the brain everything. though youre naturally weak, i still dont like forcing glass in front of you. thank you for having just enough cones and rods to decipher all the right colors.

nose.you dont get aggravated easily. pollen doesnt do anything to you. thanks little bud, for being just the right shape.

lips. you let too much slide between of the both of you. is it because you were severely hurt at such a young age? sorry i dont give you enough chapstick.

shoulders. youre so sturdy. youre good at having others lean on you. keep it up.

boobs. sometimes, i wish you were a tad bigger. but take youre time. i think youre holding back.

stomach. because you have caused me stress. you just get in the way. i've abused you too much. im ready to help you now. please be cooperative.

arms. because you cannot carry the world. i wish you were stronger. im so careless with you. forgive all the ink i've pressed into you.

wrists. i wish you were covered in more bracelets. i pop you so much that it hurts sometimes. but you get too clouded for me to handle. please dont get arthritis.

hands. because you have helped to destroy my soul. you have created many things. some are worth pride, others shame. you aren't very pretty to look at, you have a lot of meaning behind you. youre quite destructive most of the time.

fingers. because you act on sin. though you are chubby, you can type fast. and you don't mind the hard metal strings of my guitar, so thats okay too. i wish you got along better with rings though. and im sorry for cracking you too.

legs. because you've changed so much. youre so reliable. but also, troublesome. i dont like the places you've carried me, though you've carried me far.

knees. i fall on you, but not in the right way. youre so scarred, but rough. i wish more things brought me to you.

calves. because no one thinks twice. you are so strong. but youre masked in too much. i want to show you off again. i know the power is there, but we need to build you up again. youre cramps kill me, by the way.

ankles. thanks for never being seriously hurt.

feet. because i do not like where you have brought me. i loved showing you off though. you seem to like grass, and you dont mind the outdoors. converses make you happy. i just wish i hadnt killed you too. im so sorry.

toes. youre quite the little stumps. but you dont get in the way. i just wish you werent so little.

mind. i do not like you. youre easily deceived and perceive everything wrong. you create too many emotions, and make me do stupid things. you open the door to the devil, to sin. i wish you were purer.

heart. because i wish you were friends with mind, so you could agree more. i know jesus lives in you somewhere, he's probably just hiding behind all the unhealthy crap that runs through you. i'm sorry you've been hurt and lied to. hold fast to my light please.

im only trying to be fair!

i figured i only blog when im unhappy. so this is me being pretty content. i told you, bipolar.

last week, mr puckett, my psych teacher, told us to think of three positive things that happened every day. "positive thinking" is apparently a new form of therapy, i cant really explain it, but it does wonders to a brain, go figure. but i realized, anyone can think of positive thoughts. that whole week had like a reverse effect on me. i may have written positive, typically happy things down, but i didnt feel the emotion that should have followed through. you could say i was a bit apathetic last week. i dont even remember what happened last week.

so anyways, this is me, not thinking positively, but rather, viewing positively.

i was going to sit here and list a couple things that could be viewed both positively and negatively, and say my content perspective with them, but i think this sentence is enough. its kind of like those "make a note of" thoughts, the kind you dont really say out loud, but you just think about heavily, storing it close to the front of the mental filing cabinet.

i dont really like that analogy though-you can only see the labels of the memories you've stored, not the actual memories. like im sure if i said order of operations, you'd find that "tab" in your brain and think "please excuse my dear aunt sally." but you dont really think on it hard. so i'd say our memory storing capabilities is more like a giant box. you open the box and its filled with crap. you can see through so several different layers, cause its not all crammed down, its like piled up, if this makes sense. OKAY NO I GOT IT. your memory is like your messy room- you know where everything is, but still a long reach into a pile of crap to find it. some of the stuff is not pleasing to look at, like the occasional glass of liquid someone has left in your room. but some stuff is so quick and helpful, like those water bottles conveniently dropped beside your bed on the floor, so that in the middle of the night you can just reach down and take a long swig.

i sort of lost my point through all this analogy talk. but the point is, im not crying my eyes out or hating the world right now. im a little tweeked at myself for procrastinating, but thats what Coke is for. (the drank, not the drug). i mean really, all i can say is that prom is this weekend. yikes?

Dig Your Grave.

i just need to vent. sorry, gotta be selfish.

one day. i am going to take all of my mother's pretty little plates and smash them to pieces. just like she did to me. as i was lying there on the floor, with both her and my brother yelling me to get up, all i could think was how much i hate her. i dont think i have a single greater passion than that of hate.

on the other hand, i also have an extreme amount of jealousy for so many people. i feel so ordinary, so PLAIN. i take envious looks at other's photos of their awesome lives and i just feel this huge amount of jealousy towards them. not just a "pang" but a whole freaking-stab-in-the-side or jealousy. i know, the bible says that we arent to covet or feel like this, cause we have God. well, maybe its not enough. i wish i could cram the world into this jesus sized hole, but i cant even do that. i am especially envious of those who follow God and still seem to have everything. there are those who make life look so easy. like they have emotions, but they are all happy. positive. and here i am, sulking in my hatred of my mother, and i cant even get myself together. i wish i could just skip life and go to heaven. i think my motives are so wrong though. in everything. i would take a bullet for ANYONE, but i think thats just cause theres a chance of dying from it. NO IM NOT SUICIDAL, i just dont want to feel this envious anymore. i dont want to feel this hate. "i just need a fresh beginning (too), all of my regrets are nothing new."

i dont have any incredible stories. i havent done anything worth mentioning. im just barely surviving highschool. without a job. without good grades. without a life. and what feels like, without a God.

i know my situations arent really this bad, that im just perceiving it all to be this way, that "if i only changed my attitude, everything would be alright!" NO. unless someone wants to rip open my head and give me a new brain, that is not happening. NO YOU KNOW WHAT, DO AHEAD AND DO IT. im freakin tired of my mind. let me see how someone else thinks. how they are able to keep a straight face and a strong mind. because i just cant do it. IM A TREE, SWAYING IN THE WIND OF THIS WORLD. branches broken by sin. cut me down, burn me for wood. cause im no timber.

Goodnight is not so Good.

drawing with words, writing with pictures. none of it can capture what im feeling right now.

el grande dolor pero, no puedo llorar.

oh Lord, intercede with the groans that i cannot express, for i do not know what i ought to pray for.


off a poetic note, i should announce that i lost all relations with school. ive officially checked out of butler by terminating the last of my school friendships. they never would have lasted anyways. but im officially not going to prom, fourty bucks down the drain. managing relationships with people who are not christians is a tough task. i do not understand how Jesus did it. they will never understand me, or my relationship with God (though they call it a foolish religion). they doubt my faith. they doubt me. they mock me every day. according to them, and I QUOTE i "don't know shit about the work. [i] dont see past [my]self." if i had my bible with me, i would look up where it says "their words lash out against me all day long, i suffer from their tenses." its somewhere, worded basically like that. but the address is unknown to me.
the point is that im done with these phoney relationships. i hate being dropped by my friends, or rather, those who surround my life.
i know God has made me hyperaware of my friendships for a reason, but i do not yet know why. i value them so much, im so afraid to be left alone in the awful world. i have nothing productive left to say on this matter, however venting is oh so necessary right now.

one of these days

im going to buck up enough nerve to seriously cuss my mom out and leave.
maybe ill punch her in the kidneys. cause man, she really pisses me off. perhaps i should just rip out her ears too. its not like she uses them or anything. not for anything important at least. just to listen to people...THROUGH THE PHONE. maybe we should fight via phone conversation instead. she isnt very good at focusing at the stuff in front of her. i wonder if i lit myself on fire if she would notice. perhaps she would only smell the burning and wonder "oh, i probably just left something on the oven too long, AS ALWAYS." oh, but thats right, she doesnt admit to fault. she just turns the blame on someone else. "NO! I DIDNT DO IT! IT WAS HER! LOOK WHAT SHE DOES!"
OH and then she pulls the "you have verses on your walls but you dont act on them" card. oh lordy. if she would have known what was screaming behind my skull. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT I PUT UP WITH EVERY DAY! shes like "you could just learn to live with it." are you serious. LOOK LADY, JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE UP ON ME DOES NOT MEAN IM GOING TO STOP FIGHTING AGAINST YOU. i really cant stand her. her ignorance, her selfishness. her STUPIDITY. her ego. im tired of putting up with her little "house make overs." SHES RUINING OUR HOME!! nothing from my childhood is left. shes replaced it with new, better things. as always.
i just cant freakin wait to move out. i might do it sooner than im allowed to.

uhm, HELLO AMERICA, WAKE UP!

can i just bring this to someone's attention? just anyones? since the media clearly doesnt want people to know this. geeze, leave it to the people to do the governments job.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIAzGKykKU8

just click on it. thats all the proof we need.

UGH.

failure knows my name.

i hate my sin. my sinful nature. i hate it. i struggle with it every day, but it attacks me at night. always. im such a night owl. i never accomplish anything worthwhile until night. but thats also when im most vulnerable. i feel so raw- my sin constantly rubs an abrasive scathe against my heart, against my spirit. my sins only cause me to sin more, or make me want to sin more. i hate living in the moment-such instant gratification. i hate it. hate hate hate. thats a sin too? to hate?
i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. for what i do is not the good i want to do, no the evil i do not what to do-this is what keep on doing. James says to confess your sins to one another, but my friends would never accept it. they hardly do now. we arent very accepting of sin unless we participate in it too.
i dont know the difference between guilt and true repentance. i feel like i should repent, but i repent of this every time i do it, and yet, theres hardly a struggle to fight it. but then, after its done, it feel sorrowful. disgusted. it makes me hate myself. but it also makes me want to take some sort of action against myself, punishment. i deserve it. but its just more sin. at that point i just give in and cry about it. then i feel repentance. but i dont know how long that lasts. i want this sin gone. i want to conquer it. i want all my sins gone! i hate living like this. i feel disgusting. i feel sickening, repulsive. i dont deserve the love of Jesus.

failure by design?

mr. pucket (my psych teacher) read one of my dreams from my dream journal assignment aloud to one of his classes. ashley and alyssa both told me it happened. when i confronted mr pucket, he said that he enjoyed the structure of the dreams, and the content. he said i have a gift for writing. i elaborated, wrote pages for a single dream- i cant help it, i remember everything about my dreams, especially those so vivid. but this moved me. my parents have always said i have a "gift" for writing, but parents will tell you anything you want to hear and cant be trusted. nor can they accurately judge. but he talked in depth with me about how he hardly sees "such a gift." that was touching. he told me that i should pursue an english based career. i said ive considered it.

skitzophrenia

whatever, ill fall out if i want to fall out.
but do you want to fall out?
..no... i really dont. but i dont think they'd stop it. they sure dont mind now.
i thought they were you best friends.
i thought they were too.
you sound kind of angry. i thought you said you werent going to be mad.
i did say that. and now i take it back. i see whats more important. feeding the heart.
thats kind of harsh.
i know. but so are their actions.
this is a bit dramatic, dont you think?
oh i know- im already drifting, might as well go out with a bang.
and this is your ideal way of a bang?
no. i was hoping (if it had to happen at all) that it would happen when the current juniors left for college.
so what now?
i guess i get to know the neighborhood kids.
the school friends.
yes.
the ones that arent christians.
like that matters anymore? their the ones that are always end up hurting you more. they say true christians have that "inseparable bond." whatever.
well that means one of you arent doing your part.
id say more than one.
who's to judge here?
whatever. theyre not stopping it and im trying my best to prevent it.
tragic.
it is to me. these guys were my life. i still want them to be.
what about God prioritizing your life? him changing it for the better?
im not ready to accept that this is really happening yet.
but you just said it is.
well, maybe i was letting the drama get to me.
yeah..maybe you were.
what you think this is for real?
well if you said it is....whatever happened to that "if you set your mind to it" deal..does that not apply here?
look i dont want this to happen. i just want to be accepted..and loved. love is important.
you dont want to get hurt.
never. i want to be happy. but i dont think i can without these guys.
i see.
...its all my fault. i must have done something for them to not like me. for them to only talk to me out of pity. i hate it when they say that they miss me. its NEVER genuine. they dont know what missing someone really feels like.
they dont?
oh i dont know!
then what do you know?
that i should probably be submitted to a mental institute.
good idea.

letterbomb.

im pretty bummed right now. the sophomores received their class ranks today at school, and out of 635, im 171. top 26 percentile. everyone says that its "not bad" but to me, its not good enough. im working my butt off, staying up late, doing all the extra credit, really putting effort into everything, and i can only pull away with a 3.1 unweighted gpa. when all the so not overachievers of my grade taking all regular classes are sitting here with all A's and having some of the highest stuff.
knowledge has become so foreign to me lately, i cant really explain it, but i feel like people who understand different languages and who can decipher calculus as a sophomore, and who can write really really well, theyre like a different specie. i feel like all these people at my school are so incredible gifted, whether in memorizing data, or learning the basic facts, drawing, singing, playing an instrument. i feel like im doing it all wrong. i feel like the school sent out a memo to everyone but me explaining how to grasp this knowledge. this mutual understanding of things. and i see it, and i envy it. i long for it so badly. im starting to think that im really not all that great and dandy. like im not this "outgoing, intelligent kid" my folks have raved about. no, thats my brother. rather, i feel more average, more plain and stupid. im starting to wonder if i have a mental disability. i feel like i cant grasp things as easily, even though im putting some real solid effort into things. its almost as if my brain has a maximum capacity and its filled to the brim. i feel very unintelligent. all i care about is psych. i dont want to learn anything else. that and sociology. i just want to get out of highschool already. im signing up for classes for the the new high school, they have next to nothing. its like all the basic classes and like 4 gym classes and like ap crafts. and thats it. oh and creative writing. i put that as an alternative, cause i dont think i can summon any creativity. maybe right now, but i find all my works being dark.

on another note, the youth is out tonight. this is the 4th night ive let this happen. a big problem is because i dont have the 8, or 10, or 5 bucks to allow me to do things. whats really disapointing is that ive paid so many times for people, like i buy stephen drinks, and i buy the girls coffee, shoot i even provided 20 bucks worth of bojangles and no one paid me back. i bought cc a 4o buck christmas gift and i said it was from everyone. all im saying is that it would be nice to get some of that back. like instead of saying "oh sorry that sucks you cant come," how bout you guys spot me the 4 bucks it takes to go skating. i know, four dollars, most people can find that in change under their couch cushions. i just cant.

my grandpa came up to me and told me that when he was enrolled in a boy's school in greece, he and the a bunch of the boys would sit by a fire and listen to an old record player. one of their favorite records had a spanish song on it, and he told me some of the lyrics. Estan grande el dollor no puedo llorar. the pain is so large i cannot cry. thats pretty much how i feel right now. green day's opening lyrics to letterbomb sort of ring in my ears too: Nobody likes you, everyone left you, theyre all out without you, having fun. thats exactly how it is right now. even though i told kimberly i wouldnt be mad about her decision, she did decide to go hang out with stephen and them rather than follow through with our plans.
i will be so crushed if they play in the rain.

MMHMM

The way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods
I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
Clear myself of this clouded mind- I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found.
I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships i've thrown away so many things that could have been much more
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
what happened to us? i heard that its me we should blame. why didnt you stop me from turning out this way? i know i dont hate you, and i know that i dont want to fight you.
ive got to get away, to get away from all of my mistakes. I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that?
running from you is what my best defense is.
And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint to get cut enough to wake me up.
and you said "I know that this will hurt but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse."
i will stare at you in disbelief, crying out for consistency.
I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
who i am hates who ive been.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again.
who i am hates who ive been.

downtown

today i went to downtown charlotte for a gallery crawl, but we really only went to one gallery, or one place really- the light factory. some of the work was really inspiring, but not in a way that you would think. i think it opened my eyes to see that i was NOT cut out for this art thing. i think we were all born with this innate, natural gift, some with many. like how some people can just stare at a soccer ball and it practically bounces for them, or how some people are those born musicians. eh i just dont think art is my thing. but these people..these people who can draw, paint, sculpt, and create..theyre just awesome! i went to the city with a group from my school, from the national art honors society club..i have no idea why im in that, but anyways, some of their work was actually in the galleries, no lie. and i saw them, and im just like, dang, theyre good. so unique. they may have plain features, but they are beautiful in being.

but walking around the streets and sidewalks made me want to blog so badly. but now that im home in boringsville, i suddenly didnt want to. but i forced these few words out of my system.
and now, im really tired. maybe ill blog about my moments tomorrow.

Untitleable.

i cant think of anything to do for my art project. we have to use linear and aerial perspective. meaning stuff has to be in our back, middle, and fore ground. everyone is doing city scenes with buildings and people. and i dont want to do a water scene, it doesnt "fill the space." were going to turn the image into a colligraph(sp) ; where going to recreate the image with string and paint over it several times to make prints out of it. its a cool idea, i just have no inspiration. i think i want to have people, or a person in it. but i dont want to do nature scenes. but thats the only thing that i can think of. i've lost all inspiration. and mayday's lyrics keep ringing in my head: "i do that thing, you know what i do, when i find inspiration." BUT I HAVE NO INSPIRATION. art is just discouraging to me these days. i dont even know why. last year was good, back in art 1. but we havent done many exciting things so far. its second semester and i havent finished any of the art projects weve worked on. why is this even bothering me this much? i dont think art is my thing, like it used to be. im not sure what my thing is right now. you know, like how everyone has a thing, a hobby, a talent. like cecelia rides horses and plays soccer, nate does sports, some people play an instrument, some people have that awesome gift of writing, or a knack for
poetry. some people can sing like an angel. most people just have that natural gift that they love. i dont know what im good at, or what my "thing" is. i dont really have something that really defines me. from ages 6-13 i did taekwondo. that was my identity. that and being a charter school kid. i was also into writing back then, like short stories with cheesy morals. i was sort of into that, but i went through that whole dragon, elves, magic stage and started writing about that. but then i dropped tkd for soccer and lost all interest for that stuff. soccer was so much fun, but it was just fun. i know i cant even keep up with highschool soccer, its too intense. i wanted to just join a rec team- ashley was on one for a while but she never told me when tryouts were. then i aged out of the team. so that sucked. then at the end of 8th and into 9th grade i tried out art. i got into art one and made some semi successful pieces. but i dont have that natural eye for shadowing and memorizing shapes and structures like some really awesome people do. i can mimic artwork and doodle here and there, but i dont have a solid "identity" in art. so now its 10th grade and im still working on guitar. im really waiting for a teacher though. i dont know how to read music but im hoping that can be taught. i want to get into that, but i dont think ill be like a devout guitarist. i want to learn all the good kimya dawson songs and play for my youth group, but thats really it. i dont have high dreams for it. and now im left contemplating what i want to do with my life. people are always asking where i want to go for college and do when i get older. but im really just not sure. ive been telling people app, but i think thats just cause it seems like a cool school thats far enough away from home, but also in state. but the more i think about it, the more i want to move further away. i was thinking maybe north, but now im thinking south. maybe alabama or georgia. this is what im trying to distract myself with this sunday.
everyone's out and enjoying this awesome weather. my window is open, but its kind of a bummer to go on walks alone. this is becoming more a ramble fest than something productive. im just bent out of shape over really dumb things. and i want to talk about them, but i dont want to sound pathetic and needy. even though i know i most likely am.
i wish the fray would combine their music and lyrics with linkin park's. cross "in pieces" by linkin park with "heaven forbid" by the fray. that would be the best song.

Another Downer

its difficult being happy, okay? im just an overthinker who cant let things go. just let me be for now, please.


having an uncomfortable home life is unsettling; it makes everything harder. it causes more fights, more callouses, more wear and definitely more tare. it causes split lips and heavy hearts. poor grades and sloppy art. lonely nights and torched feelings, over eating and much screaming.

telling her all this wouldn't solve anything. shes not progressive. she doesn't care that much. we're both selfish people, but im not totally clueless. it's one thing to see an problem, another to do something about it, and a hurtful thing not to do either.
i don't want a relationship with her. i just want it to be gone.

dude this weekend just wasn't that enjoyable. i felt sick like the entire time because of either the food, the people, or from myself. and i am not glad to be home. i didnt exactly receive the "welcome wagon" upon my arrival. in fact, i got more of a "welcome home" from other's parents than i did from my own. i hate living here.

i learned in psychology that a toddler has egocentric thinking; meaning that they cannot view another perspective besides their own. "In a youg child's view, it is very possible that it rains because the sky is sad. If your baby brother gets sick and goes to the hospital, it could be your fault if you were mad at him the day before. If you want something very, very badly and it happens, then your wanting caused it to happen" (Benjamin Spock). but im wondering if we as humans really ever lose or grow out of that mentality. if we think that others reactions are just responses to our actions. i know i think like that. but i always correct myself. im not nearly that significant anyone's life to have such reactions. but how i would love to be! sometimes i read things and secretly hope they are about me. sometimes the irony is so crisp, how it relates to them, yet spells out my life, my wants. i am incredibly selfish! justification: is it so much to ask to be loved for who i am? i cant tell if this is genuine infatuation or simply because i want some one to love. sometimes though..i think we could be 'yolked,' as he call it. its something i never considered until now. oh the risk of telling! i feel very egocentric. and dramatic. but im hoping. and praying about it every day. i just hope he's in God's will.

one two three, counting out the signs we see

my cat bites my other cat in the neck and it just about breaks my heart. i yanked spike away from tiger and he bit his butt instead. maybe he was just playful, but it hurt him. even though tiger is older and bigger, spike is young and more active, and definitely more playful. he gets very rambunctious but it hurts tiger. tiger is getting old, and that makes me so sad. i love this cat to death. he's been my best friend forever. he gets sad too, like right now. we get eachother.
i know, hes a cat. but they are really smarter than we give them credit for. they're capable of problem solving and insight. theyre incredible creatures.
spike just tried to bite tiger again. i saved him. but they ran off, outside of my room. i hope hes okay.

ROMANS 8

i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
the creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.
for the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be freed from its bondage to decay, and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

we know that the whole creation has been groaning since the pains of childbirth, right up to the present time. not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
for in this hope we were saved.
but hope that is seen is no hope at all. who hope for what he already has? but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

in the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us and groans with words that cannot be expressed. and he who knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose. for those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son, so that he might be the first born among many brothers. and those he predestined, he also called; he also justified; those he justified he also glorified.

what then, shall we say in response to this? if God is for us, who can be against us? he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for is all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died-more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

who shall seperate us from the love of Christ?
shall trouble or prosecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
as it is written:
"for your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
no, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. for i am convinced that neither death
nor life,
neither angels
nor demons
neither the present
or the future
nor any powers
neither height or depth
nor ANYTHING ELSE IN CREATION
will be able to seperate use from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS, OUR LORD.

1/11/10

blab. blab. blab.
too many people are misinterpreting the wrong words. its like nothing is clear anymore, like everyone's written tone is off. which sucks, cause it makes it hard for communication.

i think its ironic how the people who have the most trouble with adults are having trouble with this whole stacey thing. and those whose parental background is decent are finding it easy as pie.

i really should do hw. but really, all of its review. i gave up on doing biology at home since i found a new way to get by during lunch time.

are you ready for some serious irony?
a year ago this past weekend, hunter went to winterjam with the friends that i lost her to.
i went to winterjam this weekend with the friends i think im going to lose too.
despite what they say, i think i believe in fate too, i swear oedipus is rubbing off on me, but i think im inevitably driving people away. why or how, i dont know. but it happens every year. but its why im going to lay off for a while until i can be sure the waters are safe again.
you think im kidding? i have a way with repelling people.
i lost danielle the end of my 7th grade year, jon the end of my 8th, hunter the middle of ninth, come on, who next? who else does God want to bring into my life, let me attach a few heartstrings to, and then rip them away like a bandaid? "it will only hurt for a little bit" yeah maybe, but you cant hide the scar underneath it. and i think i mean that as literally as possible.

january 7th, 2010

i read the words, i hear the voice, the tone describes whats left unsaid. let the actions speak loudest.

sighhh

things are just kind of goin right now. i think im finally getting things right in my life, for once.
i dont even know why im up. i dont think my body will be able to sleep. im all achey.
itunes is making me mad. it wont sync my music. like it wont put my new playlists on it. idkk. and genius, i have no idea how to work it. it must take a genius to work it. aha. punny.
okay, so im a lameo. with a big heart. lately, aha call me a girl, but i have been getting sad over the weirdest things. i guess its a good thing.
i love how in the bible, when people are distressed, other people can mourn with them. like in job, when he is down, his friends stop by, see in him pain, and suffer with him. they rip their robs, pull on their hair, rub dirt.. cry.. idk what else. but like, they were so expressive back then, i wish i could do that now.
like when kimberly was put in the hospital or whatever happened, i was so panicked, i started crying a little.
when gabby was left behind by her family over the break, and she was stuck at her aunts house, i felt exactly what she would feel, cause i kind of know what thats like. but i felt the hurt along with her.

i dont know exactly where im going with this, but its just something ive noticed over the past few days. most of the time i want to mourn or cry with the people, but i hold them back. for some reason, i feel its not right. i have no idea whats going on.
but tonight was excellent. everyone was there, i was so, so so so, happy to be with everyone, finally.
im not sure whats going on, but im seeing God working his way back into my life. or thats how i'd like to view it, even though i know he's always been there. im just starting to see him again.

so much for an epiphany

i always have the been breakthroughs when im in the car. seriously. but i never have anything to write them down with. i really need to though. while waiting for my mom, i finally figured myself out. its far too long to write on here, to write in general. i tried to write it. but it causes for so much explanation and just..so much. too much to reveal anything on here. far too public. but i think it will just stay in my head. for now.
the point is though, i had this amazing break through, i finally figured myself out, and yet, nothing. it sounds all nice and pretty in my head, but when truth comes to truth, im too much of a coward to fight for it. or weak. i dont know. this isnt a pity party blog though. this is me trying to get some crap straight.
THE POINT IS i freakin ruin everything for myself. none of my priorities are straight, if i even have any. making it through the day is solid enough. i dont really know what im saying, or why im saying it.
i just dont know right now.

the words are coming out

the dreams aren't so still
its not your fault
youre just here for the thrill
your conscious is screaming
right and wrong fight for your soul
the message is clear
youre loosing all control.
reoccurring, they haunt you at night
you wake and you wake and you toss and you turn
its obvious everywhere,
youre filled with concern.
but why fight the inevitable
what you cant overcome
your conscious is mocking you
waiting for you to succumb
some call it foreshadowing
others call it fate
its the sin thats got you hooked
the reason why you hate.
in the dreams it's so real
it brings you a scare
could you ever get that desperate?
its your only prayer.
you feel obligated
yet want to fight
its so easy to sink in
until everything's alright.
your breath uneven
your voice you cannot trust
so hear yourself now
"ive got to fight, its something i must."
its something thats feared, hated
yet part of you yearns
the easy escape,
so much simpler than he who learns.
another day, another war wound;
the battle still rages on
its only a dream,
a night till its gone.

this is a pointless entry.

some people are really starting to bother me. no one you know, but consider yourself lucky.
there are those who are almost scary. like im not sure if i should talk to them or not. friends from life's past. you know? like im sort of thinking.. hmm do i really want to talk to these people again? but im putting myself on a leash, not going to let it go far.
ah, theres a lot i want to say. but i feel afraid to say it all. and that took a lot of gut to say too. crap. am i becoming a recluse again. crapcrapcra.
yes, this is just a pointless venting poolosa. myspace is filled with too many.. ah, readers. yeah. and facebook. well i have to gaurd everything i say now. i didnt realize how much my family pays attention to that. now theyre going to be all freakworried again cause i included "sketchy lyrics" in my status and picture. woopie deeee.

im really mad that none of my school friends bothered to return any of my texts over the two weeks. like tyler. he always thinks hes so much more important than the rest of the world. like he only has time for him and his girlfriend. its gotten to the point where his annoying little brother texts me more than he does. i dont really talk much to the "friends" i have in school either. like we may all sit together in the morning, but i really dont want to. i sit in this huge throng of people, and my friends like tyler and alyssa sit in the back, in the middle, and so its weird cause im just like this awkward 34732 wheel to this group. theyre all older than me, but the sophmores of the group all sit near the front, and i know them a lot better and frankly find them more interesting, but im not on the same level as them, psychologically. it consists of those like philosopher want to be people, the veterinarians and twilight freaks. the save the earth people and the 'let me ask you a ponderous question' people. but theyre still fun to talk to. idkk.

im very ready for the new highschool to open up. i think ill feel so much more...better about it.
ugh. im stressing about the school work too. i just rememebered that i have to to stay after for two tests in bio after school, but i really need to stay for the tutoring too. crap.
i think im going to take a walk, then see if i can go home.
hasofhasofhakfhsdhfdsg.
sorry this one is dumb.